Want to get back with your ex?
Because you just can’t stop thinking about her and…
… Wishing you could win back her love.
Ending a relationship and losing the woman you love is a devastating and painful experience.
You don’t want to come across as being desperate, needy or clingy, but it is hard to know what the right things are to do and say when you are desperately trying to get her back.
The first hurdle you need to overcome is convincing her that you and the relationship deserves another chance and that things are going to be different this time around.
If you just can’t stomach the thought of your girlfriend or wife being happy with anyone other than you, keep reading for some strategies for winning her back and keeping her for good.
Get Back Together Again: Why Did She Leave?
If your girlfriend or wife left you and you want her back, there are a couple things you should be doing to ensure that it happens.
There are also things that you shouldn’t be doing and we’ll get to that later.
Today, it’s important that you focus on those first few weeks after the break up.
During this time you’re giving her space and allowing her to think through the situation.
Your goal is to determine why she left you in the first place – or why you left her. You may think that you know the reason, but it’s important that you dig deep now and figure it out for real.
Take a long minute over these coming days and weeks to think about what went wrong.
… You might think you left her because she was clingy – that’s a behavior that can change.
… Is there another reason underneath that might have driven you away?
- The important aspects are her character, morals, ethics and interests.
- Are these things what you’re looking for in a woman?
If she left you it’s time to think about what you might have done to contribute to the demise of the relationship. No woman is going to take you back when you’re the same person she left.
Any chance you have of recapturing the romance is to be the man she wants you to be and you know you can be.
- Maybe you didn’t pay enough attention to her.
- Maybe you didn’t pick up after yourself or participate in the relationship – just taking her for granted.
- Or maybe it’s something else.
Whatever it is – it is important that you work out the issues and discover them. Then it’s important to learn how NOT to do them in the future.
…Was it your anger?
… Your temper?
… How you treated her or how you looked at other women?
What did she say before you broke up?
- What were her complaints and concerns?
- Did you have any signs that the break up was coming?
- When she left you did she say why?
- Why did she fall out of love with you – or tell you that she did?
You might think the whole situation happened suddenly, but it’s highly likely. She’s probably been dropping hints for weeks or months.
The idea is to learn from this experience and develop a method of communication that lets her know you understand her perspective and are willing to make changes that will increase the probability this won’t happen again.
In other words, you’ll take out the garbage, do the dishes, talk with her after work, appreciate her and let her know that you appreciate her. She wants these things and because you love her, you should want them for her.
How You Approach Your Ex Depends on Who Broke it Off And Why
To make her want you back, there are several steps you must journey through to accomplish your goal. You have to give her time to cool off and for yourself to introspectively evaluate the reasons for the break up.
But at sometime or another you have to initiate contact if you hope to get her back. How you initiate that contact will depend upon who broke off the relationship and why.
Different circumstances require different techniques and strategies.
Did you break it off with her or did she leave you?
If she broke it off with you then it’s entirely possible that she’s still attracted to you, but left you regardless. She may feel like she wants to be with you but can’t – because of something in your behavior.
Something you’ve been doing makes her feel like you aren’t fully committed to the relationship and without that commitment she’s not ready to move the relationship forward without it.
On the other hand, it could have been other behaviors that made her realize that a long-term relationship with you may just possibly bring her more sadness than happiness…
… Maybe you don’t value her opinion
… take her for granted
… don’t participate in the day to day events at home
… don’t take control of the relationship (another form of not being committed to the relationship)
… or maybe you have a behavior issue she can’t live with – like anger management.
Whatever her reasons, to get her back you’ll have to know WHY she left before you can attempt to fix the issues. She’s going to want to know that you have put real effort and thought into rectifying your behavior and changing the future.
Once you know why she left and you’ve started to address your issues, it’s time to initiate a casual contact.
Don’t be pushy and don’t assume you’re hopping into bed today. It’s time to prove yourself and it could take a while.
On the other hand, if you left her, then the approach will be all different.
However, whether you are approaching after you broke up with her or visa versa, it’s important that you follow the steps and initiate contact within 3 weeks, or she may well have started to move on.
If you left her, then it’s time to be brutally honest about why you did it.
- Did she cheat on you?
- You got bored?
- your ex moved back in your life?
- or you didn’t feel ready for a relationship?
And if your reasons for leaving her were valid at the time, what makes it different now?
Be sure you are ready, willing and able to get back together with her at this point because if you initiate contact and you aren’t sure, you are just going to break her heart all over again.
But, if you’re sure and you want her back – you know you made a huge mistake, then this is the time to own up to that fact. Now is the time to tell her that you made a huge mistake and why.
Now is when you humble yourself and hope that she understands your transparency and authenticity. Without being transparent she’ll think that you’re playing her and you just are asking for a booty call.
After The Break up, When to Reconnect
After you’ve been introspective for two or three weeks after a break up, and you’ve both had a chance to cool down and decide if getting back together is what you want, it’s time to reconnect. Be prepared that she may not be interested – at all.
And, be prepared to not jump right back into the relationship you had before. You may have thought long and hard about what went wrong and decided to change your nasty habits – but she doesn’t know that.
All she sees is that you’re back at her doorstep asking to come in.
Instead, make the initial contacts very light. If the breakup was pretty difficult, then making it playful can also be hurtful to her. She may not have wanted to leave you but felt you left her no choice – or it could have been you who left her.
In both cases, playful communication says that the breakup didn’t really happen and you’re back on the same playing field you were on a month ago. Keep the text, email or phone call short, to the point and light hearted.
You’re just checking in to see how she’s doing and maybe suggesting that you could get together for a drink.
A communication that goes in the other direction – along the lines of “we have to talk” speak volumes about what you want to talk about. And honestly, she might not be ready to hear what you have to say.
The prompt you’re using is too ‘deep’ for a first communication.
She can be overwhelmed the first time you communicate with her, but remember to keep your cool. This means she might lash out at you, get angry or be rude. Just stay cool and keep it casual.
Suggest a quick cup of coffee, like you would with a friend. Because, after all, if you and she were close, you should have also been friends.
During your meeting show her the guy you were when you first met, the man she fell for – not the guy who she broke up with. Unfortunately, you probably forgot how to be the first guy after being together for some time.
It’s time you learn how to remember who he was..
… Flirty, fun, light hearted and engaging – without any suggestion of sexual tension, any talk about getting back together or any talk of any mistakes or improvements you made in the last three weeks.
There is time for that in the coming meetings. This is just to get you both back engaged in conversation.
After that first meet up if you continue to want to pursue the relationship then it’s time to suggest another casual meeting. Show her the fun side of who you are.
Send a text once in a while – not every day, not every hour – maybe every other or every third, the way you would with a friend.
Don’t email her daily and and don’t continue to communicate all the time. Don’t think about her all the time – try to keep up the attitude and behavior you did while you were apart.
In your next meeting you could tell her what you’ve realized and learned since the breakup and how you’ve made strides toward changing. It’s not enough to say you’ll change, you also have to do something toward making a change in yourself.
Be clear that you understand why you broke up.
The conversation will naturally evolve from there. However, remember not to jump right back into a relationship too quickly. Suggest to her that you start ‘dating’ each other again so she can see how you’ve changed and so that you can both work towards making the relationship stronger.
This demonstrates to her that you aren’t making a booty call and haven’t made any changes. You are truly interested in HER and making this relationship the best that it can be.
To Get Her Back, Focus on Yourself First
When she asks for time apart, it’s important that you honor that request. This does two specific things for both of you. In the first place it tells her that you will honor her request and you respect her.
It also gives both of you time to calm down from an emotional upheaval.
But, while you should stay away for a couple of weeks, there are things you should and should not be doing during this time. The success of your ultimate goal will start with how well you use these first couple of weeks, what you do and what you don’t do.
Let’s start with the positive and discuss what you should do in these weeks. We’ll talk about what you shouldn’t do at the end. This is a good time to focus on yourself.
Yes, you want to be single and learn to enjoy it, but you don’t want to jump headlong into anything that resembles a relationship with another woman.
Instead, it’s time to evaluate your personal growth and development, what you might want to improve and what may have led to the break up in the first place.
If you can realistically look at the relationship and determine what your part was in the break up and what you might have done or not done to contribute, it will go a long way toward winning her back when you are communicating again.
Watch out for yourself physically and mentally.
- Go to the gym
- start eating better
- go out with your friends and make new friends
Although you are taking care of yourself during these early weeks, there is also something very sexy about a guy who loves you but still has his own life. You’ll establish your own self-worth, both for yourself and with your ex.
You need that spring back in your step so that not only do you feel it, but she sees it.
You might run into people who recommend that you also start sampling what might be out there on the market. Some experts recommend against this ONLY if you are 100% sure that you want her back.
But, here’s the reality of the situation.
We’re talking about 2 weeks – not 2 years. You aren’t taking yourself off the market and putting yourself on a shelf for years, just a couple of weeks. Use this time to determine for yourself if you do want her back, and if you don’t to start healing.
A rebound relationship will only increase your risk of getting hurt again or hurting someone else – neither is a good situation.
Focus on this time to improve yourself and reflect on what went wrong in your relationship. If you’ve determined that you want her back, then these two weeks will be the foundation of reestablishing your relationship.
If you decide not to pursue your ex, then these two weeks will be the foundation of your next relationship. No matter what the decision, use these weeks the right way to be sure the next relationship is the right one.
You Want Her Back, Take a Break
Whether she admits it or not, one of the number one reasons that women will break off a relationship is because she needs space. She might need the space to figure out if she can live with your flaws or she might just want out completely.
Whichever it is, it is necessary that you give her that space. You might not know if she’s consider a rematch with you or are just joyful that you aren’t together any more, but a lot can change in the first weeks that you’re apart.
This is why it’s important that you both give her the break and space she’s asking for and that you use the time efficiently and effectively toward the pursuit of your intended goal to reunite your relationship.
… This is NOT the time to survey the landscape and see what’s out there.
… This is not the time to start sleeping with anyone else.
… This is definitely not the time to consider starting another relationship.
If your intended goal is to get back together with your girlfriend or wife, you can bet your sweet life that she’ll eventually hear about what you did while apart.
If you did anything to break her trust in you or to damage the relationship further, you’ve lost before you even left the starting blocks.
Anytime you break up it is emotionally draining and will sap you mentally. This is the time that you also need to breath, calm yourself and take time to place your life in logical order.
This space apart will give you both time to put things in perspective and reduce the electrical charge that created the lightening storm in the first place.
This is the time for reflection about what went wrong, what was your part in the play and how can you make changes to improve your odds with her the next time.
If you ignore this advice and start knocking down her door, so to speak, or cyber stalking her Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and LinkedIn accounts, she’ll go running for the nearest cover and never consider seeing you again.
You’ll have effectively driven her into the arms of another man – any other man. Although a man who loves her is cherished, a man who is needy and demanding is a turnoff.
Depending upon how serious the relationship was will depend upon how much time you should steer clear. If it was a serious long-term relationship then you’ll both need more time than if it had been more casual but you’re wanting something more now.
Don’t chat with her at parties, text her or even shoot a quick email to see how she’s doing. If you do run into her in public, then be social and polite but make it clear you aren’t there to bother her.
However, this is a very fine line you’re walking for these weeks – you want to give her space she needs – but not so much space that she finds another guy to take your place. In other words, you give her weeks to calm down and rethink her position, not months.
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What NOT to do to Get Her Love Back
After the break up, you’ve realized that it was a mistake – whether you initiated the breakup or she did, you know it was a mistake. There are definitely things that you can do to make this happen – and there are things you can do that will ensure it WON’T happen.
Here is what you shouldn’t do if you really want your woman back.
1. You want to contact her at some point but you do NOT want to bug her, text her hourly, call her daily or anything else that can even remotely resemble stalking.
Women respond best to men who aren’t needy and who have their own life, just like men respond best to women who aren’t needy. Make a casual appointment with her and then do NOT contact her again until after the meeting.
Even if you aren’t seeing her again for another week or two, resist the temptation to pick up the phone and tell her about your day, to look at the moon together or text her that you were thinking about her. Believe it or not, she knows you’re thinking about her.
2. Do NOT overlook the journey you must take before meeting her for the first time. You might think that you know exactly why you broke up, or what she thinks of you – but this is the time that you must spend thinking about the reasons she left you and how you can change them.
And then it’s time to actually make the change. When she meets you she wants to know that you are interested in making it work this time and not in wasting her time.
3. Don’t manipulate her. She knows when you’re trying to get her to do something when she doesn’t. This includes texting her for a favor when you don’t really need one, showing up where she’ll probably be and then act surprised to see her.
Show up at her work and pretend like you’re still together or anything else that remotely smells of manipulation, including telling her that you can’t live without her. No strong emotional relationship is built on neediness and she knows it.
4. Don’t declare your love for her. She knows how you feel about her – you’re the one initiating contact with her again. She understands what you want, she’s just trying to decide if you’ve taken the breakup seriously and if you’ve changed at all. Going back to the same relationship, “the way things were” is not what she wants.
5. Do NOT ask her friends or family for help. Now you’re putting HER friends between you and making her feel like they are on YOUR side and not hers. She needs to know that her friends and family are rooting for her and not for a stranger in their lives.
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What Happens After You Win Her Back And You’re Back Together?
Breaking up is hard to do. It’s a challenge to learn how to live life without the person you’ve been spending life with. But, if you were lucky enough at winning her back, what next?
What happens after you’re back together with your girlfriend or wife?
Think about it. . .
… imagine that all the happy make-up sex is over and you and your girlfriend/wife are settling back into everyday living. This is a time in a relationship that isn’t covered in a haze of love and in love feelings.
This is real living when someone has to pick up the groceries, make the dinner, clean the house, pick up the kids, meet with the family . . . in other words, balance work and life and do it well.
Now is the time that you MUST make good on the promises that you made to change your behavior and to be the person she wants. This does not mean you become a different person, or change the foundation of who you are – because that’s the person she loves.
What she doesn’t love are the shoes in the middle of the room, the unmade bed, the dishes on the table, the unbridled anger and temper, your lack of interest in her or taking her for granted each day.
Those are the issues that must change and which don’t mean a hill of beans to who you are – just in what you do.
Doing these things assures her that you aren’t back together for just a week or two, but shows her you are committed to becoming the best you that you can be. And, realistically that’s exactly who you want to be because no one really wants to be less than who they could be.
The mark of a truly great relationship and love is that you are the best version of yourself when you are together. If this isn’t something you can say about yourself and your wife then getting back together and staying together just might not be the best thing for you.
Unfortunately, the heart wants what the heart wants. Also, unfortunately, we don’t live in a fantasy land for more than a couple of weeks or months.
After the glow of new love has started smoldering, you’ll discover that if you aren’t the best version of yourself with your partner, you probably will start looking for ways to get out.
Have you experienced breaking up getting back together with an ex? Please share your comments below.