Maybe it has been sometime or maybe you just found out your wife cheated on you.
The revelation left you shaken, devastated and completely broken.
Perhaps you’ve spent years creating that happy family you dreamed about, and now it all seems to be falling apart.
It hurts so much and it may seem that no one understands the pain you’re going through. With infidelity comes a feeling of grief, despair, and fear about your future. But this experience can mean a new beginning. You can pick up the pieces, recover, and emerge stronger than ever.
After finding out about the affair, your first thought is probably that your marriage may be over. While it’s true that some marriages don’t survive cheating, know that infidelity may lead you back together again. Instead of giving up on the marriage, you may find that talking things out resolves the underlying issues that led to the cheating. While you may choose divorce in the end, reconciliation may still be possible.
However, if you want to work things out and save your marriage, there is one mental monster that you need to deal with… forgiveness.
Is cheating forgivable?
Maybe.
In most cases cheating is forgivable, but not really forgettable. To forgive being betrayed by your spouse is very difficult to begin with.
Can you forgive her?
Whether your spouse is worth a second chance or not is something only you can decide. Trust is a serious issue and it’s also very personal.
Everyone messes up at some point. Whether your wife deserves a second chance or not depends on a number of factors.
So ask yourself.
- Has she taken steps to rectify the breach of trust?
- Do you feel she has changed her ways so it won’t happen again?
You must trust your basic instincts to decide whether you believe she’s telling you the truth and have intentions to follow up accordingly.
But know this; whether you two decide to make a go of things or go your separate ways, the forgiveness is not for the cheater. It is for you, so that you can heal and move forward. Forgiveness helps you move past the pain and hopefully begin afresh with your wife.
Experts agree that the path to emotional wellness begins with forgiving and forgetting. However, you may very well wonder, “How do you go about truly forgiving your wife when she has so grievously hurt you?”
If you’re willing and able to work on your emotional focus and release any desire for revenge, you have an honest chance of attaining your objective. It’s not possible to totally wipe the betrayal out of your head. But while the memory of what she did will remain with you, you can still “forget” by putting the past behind you and moving forward.
Follow these four vital steps to be able forgive and in time forget about her betrayal:
1. Acceptance. The first step to forgiving and forgetting is accepting that your wife cheated on you. You must accept that the affair happened and find a way to live with it. While the past is out of your control, you can control what happens in your future. Acceptance is the starting point for moving your life forward in a positive direction. Whether that means alone or rebuilding your marriage together.
2. Healing. It’s important to give yourself enough time to heal from the deep pain of betrayal. Healing may take some time, but it will come. The amount of time you need to come to grips with your pain varies; as each person heals differently.
Take positive steps to heal, but give yourself permission to feel the hurt from the betrayal. Over time, you’ll notice the hurt becoming less and less as you take action toward a new direction and a bright future.
3. Revitalize your relationship. All relationships, whether romantic or completely platonic, need nurturing in order to thrive. If you ignore nurturing your relationship for too long because you’re upset, it’s likely to wither away and die.
Once you’ve begun to experience the fruits of your healing process, begin spending time together. Go out for dinner, hang around your house or just spend a day together at the park. The location is of little importance, but the company is essential to revitalizing your relationship.
4. Rebuilding trust. This should be done simultaneously while revitalizing your relationship. Your wife should be working diligently towards making you feel secure in trusting her once again. Be open to her love, affection, and attempts to rectify her wrongs. If you hold a grudge, you may be stuck in this rut for a lifetime.
It’s also important to let your spouse know that it’s okay to trust you. Yes her mistake was brutal enough, so she’s more than likely expecting you to reciprocate and get revenge. Make an honest effort to reassure her that you wish to reconcile and start anew.
Trust is a very important part of any relationship. Without trust, an air of suspicion always clouds the relationship. Trust is the glue that holds any worthwhile relationship together.
To move forward, you must be willing to let go of everything you once thought was true and form a new reality together. This is the foundation for truly forgiving and forgetting.
But in this case, it takes two to tango. Both you and your wife must be willing to put forth an honest effort. Though it may seem unfair to ask you to make an effort when you’re the one that’s been wronged, this is the price you pay for freeing yourself from those toxic shackles.
People do change. Trust can be restored if both you and your former wayward spouse are willing to work at it. While the healing process may take time, two people who are willing to reconcile and consistently seek each other’s happiness will experience that happiness for themselves and an intimate relationship that will withstand the test of time.
Your wife’s infidelity can alter the course of your life in ways that may surprise you. It may be the end of the road for your relationship. Sometimes, however, infidelity is the catalyst to fixing the things that are wrong in your marriage and you may come through this with a stronger relationship than ever.
I have recently been dealing with a wife who cheated on me. My only problem that is bothering me most is her lack of effort to rebuild our marriage. She tells me to give her space so she can have time to get over what she has done, and in time this will all go away. If I ask to many questions or show her to much affection because I am deeply in love with her, she tells me I’m only making things worse and it will take her longer to get back to normal.
I am doing my best to listen to her request, but in all honesty it is tearing me apart!! What do I do?
Hi Stefan,
We have the same case. I am going through a very difficult process of rebuilding our family. My wife cheated on my, it was very painful, but I love her so much, she told me she is willing to rectify all things but I dont see enough effort.
Hi Stefan, I literally found out yesterday that my wife was having an affair. I am so hurt too because i love her so much. One thing i can tell you is that your wife needs to realize that she is the one that done wrong and you are the one that needs to heal not her. She should be open to any detailed question at any time until you find acceptance of what happened. She doesn’t need space whatsoever. It sounds to me like there is still an unresolved or insure feeling that she is having. If she truly feels like it was a mistake it will show by her actions and she will do anything within her power to show you she is sorry and listen to anything you have to say whether good or bad. She owes it to you!
I have exactly the same problem, wife has been texting for 3 years with a friend of ours and I keep finding out more and more information about it all.
But yes, give me space, don’t pressure me etc etc is all the same.
How are things with you now ?
Jonathan
she wants you to let go and tell all was your fault.
just give her all she wants, even more, give her her freedom with it.
take your time to heal and find yourself a nice woman and live in the light, not in the shadow of a bad memory
IDK, BUT my thgts r she’s not sry, she’s mad u kno now & still doin it…..how is it dat ur tryn & she’s not when she’s da 1 dat wrngd u??? SMH, IDK, BUT ITS A COLD WORLD, even while da 1s u love r n it. SAD.
She is still controlling you. Do not let her do this. Find your happiness elsewhere: friends, family, hobbies, whatever. Once you find your place outside of your marriage, only then can you honestly view your view of the relationship. She may not be worth staying in it. I am working through this as well. Good luck.
Go out and find yourself. Learn to love yourself. Learn that your happiness is not based on her, or anything else. It’s whether or not you love the person in the mirror. When you learn to love yourself, you’ll realize you don’t need her. When you don’t need her or anything or anyone else to be happy, you’ll become very attractive and then you can decide whether or not to take HER back. Neediness kills attraction. Saying you love her so much even after what she’s done? It sounds pathetic. Keep your head up, focus on yourself, and forget everyone and everything else and learn to love YOU. Then, you’ll be untouchable. When you don’t NEED each other to be happy, then your relationship becomes a choice.
I will be honest, from my experience.
my wife cheated on me behind my back with her ex boyfriend a few weeks before our wedding in 2014, only for me to find out a few days after our first anniversary. As it was, we were having problems during the whole of our first year in marriage (family member issues, homesickness issue that the wife would constantly run back home to her parents and health issues), to the point we did not have the opportunity to get intimate with each other. Mentally, the relationship was struggling to have any “joint completeness”.
Her overbearing family did not help and nor did my behavior of walling up to any conflict. However, to find out she only married me because her family told her to get married hurt and broke me. She never really loved me. It partially explained why she refused to get intimate with me and even refused to have sex with me. Only to go blaming me after and allowing her dumb mother to publicly call me Gay. To this day, her parents do not know the fact that she cheated on me!
Still, loving her and wanting to save our marriage, I was willing to forgive her mistake. I tried to reconcile and fix the marriage, but she never put any positive step forward, to the point she never told the true story of her misdeeds to her family, only for them to make up false rubbish about me and say it out in public. As one of her relatives later told me (who btw knows the full story and was disappointed at her), she was looking for any excuse to walk away. She never wanted to acknowledge her faults and never did she want to correct herself. She was easily pointing fingers back at me and everyone else, but she was constantly digging her own hole.
I loved her a lot, I have not been the same for the last 2 years since it all really got destroyed, but at the same time, seeing her move on easily by meeting random men from Instagram and on flights just says a lot about how fickle her mind was and that she never really loved me. Her very public flirting has made me deactivate my social media accounts, just to avoid seeing who she has become, as it hurts me and makes me feel ripped-off.
Going back to your stories above in this thread, you only know how much the other person really loves you by the effort they put in to fix the marriage. I tried to set up counselling sessions, both to improve myself and also for us as couples. She reluctantly came to one and just waited for me to say something she didn’t like to end it all. All I said was the truth and facts that had to be addressed, which she could not digest as a mature person. There has to be honesty in any reconciliation. If the other person refuses to honestly confess up to their faults or mistakes and are not willing to start afresh in hope to fix the marriage then in honesty the same trust issues and mistakes will be repeated again down the line. If they just want to throw all the blame on you and not grow up and deal with their own mess and faults, there is no chance of fixing the marriage. only grief lays ahead! IF the WIFE does not want to take the second chance you give, knowing the fact they are in the wrong for cheating, then there is no hope.
This is when you have to sadly question yourself “Is saving the marriage with this person who does not love you really worth it?”. I tried everything I could to the very last minute, but she never cared one bit. I have had to just let go and try to manage my hurt and anger alone. I do have trust issues now and I am reluctant to pursue a relationship again with another woman as the experience given by my ex-wife has been nothing but traumatic.
My wife had an affair. She calls it emotional, but it did cross the line and they did have sex. I’m having trouble forgiving her. Although we both made the choice to fix out relationship, and it has been good since that choice has been made. We act happy, and we are!! But I have so many unanswered questions thoughts that I can’t even mold into questions. It was a coworker…. Not just a coworker…. An inmate on work release…. Why? That’s my biggest question. I’m a very rational person, and I know that I have not been perfect in our relationship. Years ago a I carried on friends with woman that I did indeed have romantic relations with before me and my wife knew each other. My wife asked me if I had sex with them, and I said “no”. She later found out I did have sex with them and she has held that over our relationship for years. She clearly used this anger to justify her affair. I was also caught responding to sexual post on social media. I never acted on them, but I did respond in a sexual manner. Is that infidelity? I suppose it was, and I can accept that. That was when we were dating. Since we’ve been married I have walked the straight and narrow. Also, those indiscretions were YEARS ago. Her affair in only a few weeks old. I have no doubt she loves me and I love her in return. We want to make our marriage work. I’m having trouble with her sexual and emotional affair ruminating in my head, over and over and over again. She kissed him and confided in him until eventually they had sex. I know I love her, should I just get over my thoughts and move on? Thanks
This Read has been totally helpful and Amen to that.
Guys take it easy and its best to forgive but will be very hard to forget.
Depending on the seriousness of the cheating on you, you can decide your future with her or without her. Do it from within.
Its going to be tough but not Impossible!
Godbless
I am going through this also. My wife cheated on me with a man I know and lives down the street. She told me about the affair and thought she might be pregnant but I stayed with her and she said she had ended it and blocked him so he couldn’t get ahold of her. He is turning out to be a stalker and that makes it that much harder. Also I found out that she had been lying to me about not talking to him and was still seeing him for two more weeks and found out she went out on another date with him and got a hotel room but said nothing happened. I’m not stupid. But my issue is all my hurt is turning to rage and also extreme sadness but when I tell her I am hurt and sad she can’t deal with it but she says she wants to work it out I am having a hard time believing or trusting her at all. She said I can have her phone anytime I want but there are so many ways to talk to someone and delete it and I would never know. I love her but don’t know if I can ever forgive her. This is the worst thing I have ever dealt with in my life. I am a very strong man but dammit this will bring any size man to there knees I wish this on nobody ever. I don’t know how to handle all this deception.
Jo mate I feel your pain but if you can forgive her then your the bigger man my wife has done the same her mym died then she went off the rails and had an affrair with some old bloke. So weird when she is beautiful be strong mate.
This forgiving and forgetting is not easy. Wife who I loved cheated on me twice with two different men. She had a lot of psychological issues based on the psycho analysis and genuinely tries to rebuild and reassure me. But I can’t shake it no matter how I love her. We have kids which makes it worse.
The more I try the more I think it’s a forgone conclusion and that this marriage is over.
This forgiving and forgetting is not easy. Wife who I loved cheated on me twice with two different men. She had a lot of psychological issues based on the psycho analysis and genuinely tries to rebuild and reassure me. But I can’t shake it no matter how I love her. We have kids which makes it worse.
The more I try the more I think it’s a forgone conclusion and that this marriage is over.
I recently found out my wife cheated on me but with another woman, she says she is not gay and that it’s over but I don’t know how to accept this. I do love her and it’s a hard pill to swallow that she enjoyed kissing and making love to a woman. I try everyday to tell myself I forgive her but I’m hurting on some days that I just don’t want To be with her. She told me she loves me and me finding out about her infidelity, I realized that marriage is hard. How can she say she loves me and she was just telling this woman she loves her. I feel like I’m just being used so I won’t tell what she did too her family members and mines. I wanted to just kill myself to keep from dealing with this. I cry almost everyday and I have not been like this, i think she only wants me for a financial gain. Parts of me wants to also leave but I love my kids and it’s not fair that I have to be without them because of her infidelity.
Hi brothers, I have been through this for the last 8 months. My advice: if she does not show remorse… If she utters the words I love you but don’t love you…. Give me space…. Nothing happened…. You mention him every time and remind me…. I need to find myself…. Then my brothers, it’s time to move on. Things will only escalate. She is in limerance. She is not your wife any more. Accept that. Remember your beautiful memories because you will be the only one remembering them. She will re write your maritial history. You will think she is looking at your past with dark gloomy shades. It will never get better. Your wife has lost respect and attraction towards you. Nothing can get that back other than you Manning up and taking hold of your life WITHOUT HER. Advice: look at her without respect or attraction and get over her FAST. Anger numbs the pain but don’t take out your anger on her. Go to the gym. Do not revenge against the lover. It’s futile. Pain will not go away. Do not think of him. Ever. Just accept that you are not alone in this. We brothers are in this together and we will get stronger. There is nothing you could have done to avert this . So stop thinking about what you could have done to stop it in time. It was not your responsibility and not your task. All you had to do is stop girls flirting with you. All your wife had to do was be strong. But she was weak. Accept that and move on. Life is short. Do you really want her back only to wake up one day and wonder if she is still at it?
Bhagvat Smaran….. you sound like a decent fella also perhaps god fearing with moral values it sounds like u deserve better and I get the part where u don’t can’t trust other woman ….firstly that’s not fair on you secondly on other decent caring beautiful women so try to put perspective n it is clearly her loss in time it will catch up with her go and fine deserved two way love respect comfort peace God bless
i am a woman who cheated on my partner of 17 years. we have 6 children together and i love him very much. life was busy i was under alot of stress at home being just a mother and feeling unattractive after the 6th child.he got a new job with long hours and was away alot . he was very tired and it felt like he wud cum home and just be grumpy.i was also very tired with 5 small kids and a newborn. twins are included in this..financial issues etc.life was hard. i got attention off the wrong sort and unfortunaltly i gave into temptation and i betrayed. i was found out.my life has come crashing down on me and i am riddled with guilt regret and mental torture from my partner.he is living with me for the kids but he says he doesnt love me and its not the same and we are just two parents now in the same house raising a family but are no longer a couple. i am trying everything to win him back but he is rejecting me. i am a good person but i acted wrong and selfish. he is a good man and good father . i was foolish but i love him and i am sorry. i dont no what else to do.
My advice? Man up by being polite, kind, honest, strong, caring, understanding and wise. Be the kind of person you want to be – be a man of integrity. Decide if she (the cheating woman) is willing to do the work it takes to heal the relationship. If she is, then do the work, forgive and move forward. If she isn’t, then still do the work for yourself, forgive her, but get out of the relationship. Maintain your character. Be kind & understanding, be wise, but leave that skank ass hoe. You deserve better.
My wife Amy is cheating with her boss John… how do I handle this situation