You just found out he cheated and you’re devastated.
You have endless questions about why, and a barrage of self-sabotaging thoughts that spin around in your mind.
You find yourself rubbing the center of your chest.
Your shattered heart is making it hard to breathe and the shame is overwhelming.
First I want you to know, there’s nothing wrong with you. You are not to blame.
You may be feeling physical, emotional or mental effects that are all totally normal; tightness in your chest, a constant lump in your throat, confusion, rage. You might be crying all the time, or feeling vengeful.
The betrayal is affecting your ability to function.
When moving on with your life feels impossible and you’re not sure what to do, you need answers. But you quickly jump to thoughts and conclusions about your relationship and yourself that do nothing but make everything worse.
Desperate attempts at understanding what happened mixed with rage-full fits of blame push him further away and you feel sick about fixing everything…
… But you can’t.
The first few months after finding out your husband cheated on you is hard, mentally, emotionally and physically.
Getting answers and finding peace and healing is possible.
But surviving those first few months can feel excruciating.
It doesn’t have to be.
It’s important to learn more about infidelity so you can start the road to recovery quickly. You don’t need to spend months, or even years in misery.
In this first part of a three-part series on surviving his infidelity we’ll answer some of the most common questions you might have so you can start to ease your mind and heart and begin a journey to healing more quickly.
It’s what you don’t know about infidelity that keeps you miserable and desperate.
You can learn how to turn that around into feeling peace and confidence again.
In part two of this series we’ll explore the opportunity for a deeper layer of healing and what’s possible when you do the mind, body and soul work you need to do to feel happy again. It’s all about getting your thinking straight.
You’ve been taught a lot of things about infidelity that won’t help.
Part two will be about uncovering those old beliefs and replacing them with new, effective ones. We’ll get your thinking straight and help you start a practice that will build trust, in yourself and in your partner.
In the final part of the series we’ll discuss further tools for building the kind of trust required for healthy relationships for your future, no matter if you’re with someone new, or you’ve reconciled with your partner.
It’s possible to trust again. And you’ll need a special kind of awareness to get you there.
Let’s begin this healing journey by easing your mind and heart by answering some of the questions you may have and getting you on the road to recovery much faster.
What should you do after learning you’ve been cheated on?
The moments after learning your partner cheated can feel like your heart is being ripped from your chest. It’s important to understand that it’s not your fault. There’s nothing wrong with you.
Learning more about why people cheat and understanding the big picture will help a lot.
Begin to notice your thoughts. You may even use a journal to help you release some of the emotions. And then it will be time to practice a new kind of awareness about how and why this all happened. You can begin to adopt “recovery thinking” right away.
Intrusive thoughts; do they ever end?
The mind instantly begins to conjure up all kinds of thoughts and most of the time they are painful, self-sabotaging, or incessant and ruminating. The over-thinking can feel like torture.
These thoughts will begin to ease but it’s really important to practice self care almost immediately.
Recognize the mind is desperate to figure everything out in a situation where that might not be possible right away.
Breathwork and meditation can be very useful tools, but it may be necessary to reach out to a professional who can help you with powerful mindset tools if you cannot control the intrusive thoughts.
How do you know if your relationship will rebound after an affair?
Healing a relationship that has been torn apart by an affair is possible and depends on the willingness of each party to communicate in a nourishing way.
You must first understand why your husband cheated.
That may be impossible at first without help. You can learn signs that’ll help you understand if the relationship is reparable, and what not to do and say immediately following the affair.
How do you shift out of the hopelessness?
Practicing awareness and a positive mindset is very important after your husband’s infidelity. This takes a regular practice of noticing your thoughts, feelings and sensations. The endless hopelessness comes from some of the unhelpful things you were taught about infidelity. And those things are all wrong.
You’re going to have to reprogram your thinking. This starts by knowing it wasn’t your fault, and then moving away from the old, conditioned “affair” type of thinking you’ve been taught in the past.
Why does happiness feel impossible?
It’s difficult to feel happy when you’re devastated and instantly drowning in thoughts of “why,” thinking everything’s your fault. We’ve been taught many “common sense” sorts of things when it comes to infidelity. It’s important to learn the truth about why men cheat.
When you begin to understand this from a bigger picture, things will start to make sense and you’ll be able to move toward the happiness you deserve.
How do I cope with lingering jealousy after an affair?
The first and biggest step is to move into a recovery kind of thinking and mindset; to get your emotions under control and begin to feel solid and strong in your thinking again.
Know that it’s normal to feel jealous after an affair, but that understanding the reasons why men cheat in the first place will help you to ease those thoughts and start a path to healing.
Begin to shift your thinking from jealousy to something more helpful.
How could I be so dumb?
Everyone goes through these thoughts. What you have to immediately realize is this has nothing to do with you being smart or good enough. It’s not your fault and you being smart enough isn’t an issue. Most of what you know about why men cheat is a myth.
As you learn about the different kinds of affairs you’ll begin to get your mind straight and clarity about next steps will come much more easily.
How did I not know my partner?
Knowing what makes people tick is complicated and it’s sometimes not until we’re smack dab in the middle of a long-standing relationship that a person’s true colors begin to surface.
There are many different reasons people cheat and understanding that psychology before you commit is impossible unless you’ve been trained to know the truth about why people do what they do.
You can begin to learn that important information now and move toward the healing and peace you desire.
Learning more could even save your marriage.
Is it normal to be still hurting, confused and feeling stupid and crazy?
It’s totally normal to feel the hurt long after an affair but it’s not necessary. With a greater understanding of why your husband cheated and some assistance learning about the real reasons, rather than continuing to think and behave in ways that don’t work, you’ll be able to heal.
The first step is shifting your thoughts.
Awareness is the key.
Then you’ll be able to communicate in a way that starts to repair the relationship and build trust again.
Should I forget, forgive or try to trust my partner again?
Forgiveness and building trust after infidelity is a process of awareness, learning and healing. We will cover that in more detail in the third part of this series.
In many instances you can’t just forget or forgive without fully understanding the why behind the affair. With some mindset training and new tools for communication you’ll be able to heal, forgive and move to the next stage of trusting again, when appropriate.
Right now it’s important to stop the incessant, intrusive thoughts and start to get more curious about the bigger picture.
Can I heal from this or will I always feel this way?
You can heal from infidelity.
You can stop the obsessive thoughts and triggers.
It will require you to adopt some recovery type of thinking. Your mindset is crucial to feeling whole and at peace again.
This is possible.
The problem is you’ve been trained to think a certain way about infidelity, none of which is going to truly help you heal. You can learn a strategy of thinking and communication that will help you move forward and feel happy again.
Should I ask for a divorce or try to reconcile?
This will depend on your partner’s willingness to change. You’ll need to ask yourself some critical questions about your relationship. There are several ways to assess whether it’s possible to reconcile.
You don’t have to stay stuck in confusion or indecision. Your partner didn’t just have an affair, they had a certain kind of affair.
Knowing what type of affair they had will greatly help you take the best next steps.
Is it good or bad to know all the details?
Many partners feel like if they just knew more of the details they’d feel better, or understand everything somehow.
This is false thinking. Knowing the details will not help you.
That is “affair thinking…”
… You need to be in a process of “recovery thinking.”
Recovery thinking will help you out of the obsessive thoughts and reactions that make things worse and into thoughts and responses that help you feel at peace.
We want to make this work but I can’t stop seeing them together. What should I do?
You do not need to feel stuck for months, or even years. There’s a way to think, believe and behave that will greatly help your ability to cope, and then thrive again.
If you’re stuck in thoughts and visions of the affair and you can’t get yourself out, it’s time to reach out for some help to get you back on track.
Remember, your pain comes from your thoughts. When you change your thinking you will start the journey to healing.
What do I need to learn to help me begin my recovery?
Now it’s time to get the in-depth answers to the mindset shift you need to make to take this to the next level and begin using more effective tools that will repair your heart and possibly your relationship.
That information and training is life-changing, because what you’ve learned about infidelity up until now is off base, ineffective and sometimes outright wrong.
When you finally understand why your spouse had an affair and the mistakes you’re making in your communication efforts, you can start to use effective tools to help shift things and move toward a healthier and happier life together.
There are seven types of affairs.
Just knowing the difference between them and where your situation fits will help you feel at ease.
You’ll also need to know when you shouldn’t continue to work on your relationship, and that information is clear once you have a full understanding about what made him cheat in the first place. It may not be what you think, in fact I guarantee it’s not.
Because what you’ve been taught to think about infidelity is based on an outdated theory of belief.
You’re not alone on this journey anymore. You can learn everything you need to know to not only survive but thrive in the first 100 days after infidelity.
Learn more HERE, and get on the road to recovery, healing, peace and confidence today.