Recovering From an Affair – What to do When he is Not Giving You What You Need to Feel Loved and Secure

How long has it been since DDay? A few weeks, months or even a couple of years? The most important thing is that you and your wayward spouse have decided to reconcile because you still love each other and you feel your marriage is worth saving, so you’re going through the whole recovering from an affair process. Yet, despite your husband’s best efforts to make amends, you are still struggling to overcome the hurt and feel like he just does not get it on the level you need him to be on.

The Problem

The problem for most betrayed wives is that they get to a point in the recovery process where they feel like their wayward husband is not giving them what they need to feel loved and secure. Your spouse is doing all the right things, he has apologized, is remorseful and assures you of his love and his commitment to restoring the bond, and yet you are still having a difficult time reconnecting with him.

You want to express how you are feeling in a non-threatening way and you also do not want to come across as being too needy, right?

The Solutions

Don’t throw up your hands in desperation yet, all is not lost because there are things that you can do to communicate how you feel to your husband. Here’s three:

3 Ways to Reconnect

1) Your husband is not a mind reader – so do not expect him to magically know what you want or need, then grow resentful that they aren’t giving you what you need. You need to express in specific detail what your expectations are. Its OK to ask for what you want. If your husband is really remorseful and really want to stay together they will probably appreciate knowing what it is going to take to reconnect.

Related:  After the Affair: Getting Past the Pain

2) Learn to be open and honest – when you are working toward surviving an affair and growing back together, you need to be honest with your feelings and don’t try to hide your emotions from your spouse. You need to feel what you are feeling, for instance when you are having a bad day and you’re feeling sick and scared, confide in your husband and allow him to give you the help and support you need to get over the bad hump.

Aside from making you feel better, this will give him the opportunity to show you how truly remorseful he is and also prove to you that he’ll be there for you to help pick up the shattered pieces of your marriage. So don’t shortchange yourself and your spouse by hiding them. Let the emotions come out, ask for help, and receive that help.

3) Consider individual counseling or coaching – if you need some help in expressing your feelings, or don’t know the right things to say you should consider trying infidelity coaching. Having an IC gives you the opportunity to really talk about how you feel about the betrayal. With individual coaching or counseling the focus is on you, so you are able to speak freely without worrying about hurting your spouse’s feelings.


1 thought on “Recovering From an Affair – What to do When he is Not Giving You What You Need to Feel Loved and Secure”

  1. My husband had an emotional affair for 5 years! I’m devastated and not doing well! Discovered it in June! I don’t know how to move forward


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