Amongst the wreckage and aftermath of an affair, there are many processes that many women like yourself go through before they are able to reach a place of healing.
One of these processes is an unfortunate phase of uncertainty and dangerously low self-esteem.
During this phase, many women begin to compare themselves to the other woman. They think about the other woman almost as much, if not more, than their adulterous husband.
Is she prettier than me? Was she better in bed? Did she make him happier than I do? Is she thinner/taller/fitter/sexier than I am?
These questions are pretty natural, but it is a phase that you need to move past quickly and without too much thought. Obsessing with the other woman and comparing yourself to her will only serve to make things worse and hurt you more. Not because she is in any way better than you, but because these thoughts are toxic.
Six Reasons Why You Should Stop Comparing Yourself To The Other Woman
1) It’s Just Plain Unhealthy
Obsessing over anything too much is unhealthy, but obsessively comparing yourself to the other woman is an especially toxic behavior. It can cause a great amount of undue stress that can lead to elevated blood pressure, anxiety, severe depression, and even substance abuse among other significant health issues.
Obsessing about comparisons between yourself and the other woman is unhealthy both mentally and physically.
2) It Hurts Your Self-Esteem
Continuously comparing yourself to the other woman can be a hard blow to your self-esteem. Especially when you are going through such a tough time, your self-esteem is one of the most important tools you have to move forward.
These comparisons do not hurt your self-esteem because the other woman is better than you in any way, but because your obsession can and will make you see things that aren’t there. You will imagine that she is prettier, sexier, better and imagine all sorts of situations that will only serve to make you feel worse.
3) It Creates Unrealistic Expectations
No matter what your husband’s reasons are for cheating, or what the other woman knew, did, or looked like, she is not better than you. You are two completely different and separate people and comparing yourself to her creates unrealistic expectations that will only serve to bring you lower.
In most cases, affairs are built on fantasy. They occur outside of daily stressors, children, chores, and responsibilities. That alone can create a fantasy environment where this woman and your husband were able to feel excited and cast a rosy haze over their view of each other. None of it was real, however, and comparing your situation to that one is unrealistic.
4) It Stalls The Recovery Process
Spending so much time, energy, and effort on obsessively comparing yourself to the other woman actually stalls the recovery process. No matter if you want to reconcile your relationship with your husband or choose to move on in your life, you cannot make good decisions when your mind is bogged down with these obsessive comparisons.
You need to work towards finding yourself in a mentally healthy place so that you can process your thoughts and feelings without any added stressors. You have enough on your plate dealing with your individual issues and then figuring out how to move forward as a couple without her extra baggage too.
5) It Creates An Unhealthy Fixation
A continued obsession with comparing yourself to the other woman can cause a very healthy chronic fixation with comparing yourself to any and every one. It could even get to the point where you find yourself crippled by the weight of comparing yourself this way. It could affect every relationship you have, not just your marriage, but also your friends, family, and random acquaintances even.
If you and your husband decide to move forward and reconcile your marriage after the affair, this unhealthy fixation with comparing yourself to the other woman can make your life and marriage very difficult. Your obsession will follow both of you, and it will change the way the two of you communicate as well as cause an extreme case of jealousy and worry in every aspect of your marriage.
6) It Changes Your Relationship’s Outcome
Whether you truly want to save your marriage or not, the unhealthy obsession with comparing yourself to her will change the outcome of your relationship. Instead of you making the decision to save your marriage or not, the obsession will make the decision for you. Even if you stay married, you can never truly rebuild a happy relationship if you are always worrying over and comparing yourself to her.
Your mangled self-esteem, hurt from the initial shock of the affair, will only worsen as time goes on and that will affect so many aspects of your life and relationship. You could literally drive yourself crazy.
How To Overcome Obsession
If you find yourself unable to let go of thoughts of the other woman, and are constantly comparing yourself to her, you need to take steps to overcome the obsession.
Seek Professional Help: A therapist, counselor, or affair recovery program can help you make a plan to deal with and overcome your apprehensions about the affair as well as coach you through your own issues.
Seek To Understand: Learning more about the affair can help or hurt the situation, so tread carefully. For some people, trying to understand how and why the affair happened can help them to move past their hang-ups about the affair and the people involved.
Seek Self Worth: Constantly remind yourself of your own attributes and self-worth. You are an amazing person with so many great qualities, reminding yourself of that and building up your self-esteem will help you realize that you do not need to think about the other woman.
There are many phases in the process of affair recovery that can knock you down. Allowing yourself to become obsessed with comparing yourself to the other woman is perhaps one of the most detrimental behaviors you can hold on to. For the health of your mind, body, and your marriage do whatever you can to move past it.
I love your advice!
Hi,
Thanks for stopping by. I’m glad you found the information useful.
XO,
Mellie
How do you stop obsessing? How do you stop the thoughts and memories from entering your mind? You will always think he found someone better than me and he left me for her he chose her instead of me how do you get those thoughts to stop?
Hi Lynn, thanks for stopping by. I know it’s hard to stop the thoughts and memories from coming, but for the sake of your mental and physical well being, you have to work at it. No, it will not happen overnight and it may take a very long time, but you absolutely need to stop obsessing in order to heal.. with or without him. You may need professional help to manage.
XO, Mellie
This article was truly an eye opener. My ex boyfriend cheated on me repeatedly, and I have been with my current, loyal soulmate for six years now. I still however stalk women that my ex betrayed me with and I literally seek out eomen that I think my current boyfriend would like, to obsess about. I’ve stopped at times but whenever life knocks me down with other things to stress about, I always seem to find myself stalking on social media or daydreaming about walking into them. I know how sick it sounds, it’s horrible and I hate it. I’ve tried so many things to stop this habit that breaks me down to the point where I get very depressed and feel like giving up on life. It is horrible to never feel good enough no matter how wel you are loved. So to anyone else reading this, get out while you still can.
Hi T,
You have seriously just summed up how I feel perfectly! I have not been cheated on by my past partner (I’m really sorry to hear you have) but I have been made to feel visually less than other women over the years by my exes/own mother. My partner now loves me to pieces, physically and as a person, but it is so hard to believe him and I still stalk his instagram/facebook pages to see what his exes/hookups looked like and how I compare. He tells me daily how beautiful he thinks I am, but because of my past I just can’t see it. He knows the comparison thing hurts me a lot, but I don’t think he realizes that it has made me want to take my own life. I spent each and every day worrying who was better/hotter/prettier/sexier/everything and it eats me up inside. People tell me to just “stop doing it” and move on, but it really is not that easy. As bad as I feel for everyone who suffers from this, I am glad I am not alone. It is a shitty battle to fight and does drain all my energy and happiness. We deserve to feel comfortable in our own skin, and to not have to worry about those around us. Anyway, thank you for your post :).
How do you stop obsessing when she is your sister in laws best friend and she is still around? I still look at her picture on Facebook and wonder what she has that I don’t. It’s so hard to let it be
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 7 years now, and are 7 months pregnant with our first baby. 3 months ago I found out he cheated on me with a woman he met at his work. I’m devastated, and haven’t been able to move past it. He’s always said he likes natural women; not a lot of make up, natural hair, which is what I’ve always been. Not too thin, not heavy, but shapely. Pretty average, I guess. She, however, is absolutely gorgeous; ten years younger than him, box flame red hair always perfectly curled, piercings, heavy make up with red lipstick, the works. Under normal circumstances it would be hard to overcome the blow to my self esteem, but being 7 months pregnant and feeling horrible about myself has made this healing process even harder. Not to mention that even though he says everything is over between them, she still comes in to his work (he’s a bartender) and he has gone to her work (she’s a waitress) and then lied to me about it on multiple occasions. I want to believe him, I want to believe that nearly 7 years and a baby on the way is worth more to him than some young chick he met at his bar, but it’s hard when my self worth and self esteem are at an all time low. I don’t know how to stop comparing myself to her, especially in my heavily pregnant state. I’ve seen her in passing several times, and every time my self esteem takes another hit because she’s still gorgeous and I’m still pregnant and getting bigger with this growing baby. Please help me, I don’t know what to do.
I cant seem to move on at all I obesses constantly about her and we all live in the same town and I cant even stomach going to places they went to together makes me physically sick. We are doing marriage counseling but its not helping me. I think about it non-stop. I feel like its eating a hole in my soul. I have always been very prideful of my looks and being the pillar of community and this girl is SO complete opposite of me just very dirty and doesnt care what she looks like and I just dont get why her?? It honestly driving me crazy. I think the most hurtful is that he spent time with her son on our sons birthday but couldnt be there for our son. Pisses me off to no end.
It’s just plain hard not to obsess, compare urself etc. The blow on your self worth and security is horrible. Prayer, time and self help seem to be the most effective for me. Also just work to remove yourself from anything that reminds you. I its hard, hence time and prayer, but your willpower to recover is your biggest allie.
This article hits home so much right now. It’s 2 months since I found out and I am still constantly comparing myself. I found messages of him complimenting her on things that I have been self conscious about my whole life. I have always struggled with how I look and my weight, so I do nothing but compare myself physically to her. In addition, I always wonder about what she has that I don’t. I currently go to a therapist, but this isn’t something we have gone through yet. After reading this article, I know it’s time I open up to my therapist more about these issues.
I found my husband’s very detailed google history and particular porn actresses he admired, I of course although pretty in a very average kind of way, do not come close to comparing to these sexed up hoes, nor do I perform the kind of sex acts he’s apparently turned on by. It’s hard not to feel worthless and unwanted after someone you love and trust betrays you and treats your love carelessly. It’s affecting me to the point I have felt suicidal.
Hi Rachel, So sorry you are going through this difficulty. If you are feeling suicidal, please reach out immediately for help, don’t wait! There are people and resources out there that can help you.
I’m both comforted & saddened to know so many can relate to this plight. It’s been over 3 years since I got a phone call from the OW on New Year’s Eve 2014 from his phone, busting him for dating both of us. She was his rebound woman after he & I separated after a 5-year relationship. He’s an alcoholic & terrified to be alone, he was pretty untrustworthy most of our relationship. She contacted me on social media to let me know she’d ended their relationship after only 4 months, seeking my support (kind of odd) I was compassionate, empathizing with the drinking & deception she’d endured, having dealt with it for years. He & I reconnected shortly after after she contacted me & began what I thought was a reconciliation process. I should not have let him back in so soon! Fast forward 5 months to the phone call. It was so emotionally jarring that I threw up. I’m still haunted by her sometimes. Long story short, she was very vindictive & stirred up a lot of drama in our lives. In the end, it’s HIS actions that hurt me. I’ve tried for 3+ years to fully forgive him, but I don’t think I’ll ever fully recover from such a deep wound or trust him, the active alcoholism exacerbates matters. So I must gather the courage to let him go for good…
I have to say this was every thing i was doing thank you for the advice and how to over come it
My husband and I have been married for 8 years together for 14 years and have 4 children. Before we were married he cheated on me with 2 other women. He was faithful after we married but we had other issues and separated for over a year. He had flings with 4 women during that period. We’ve been reconciled for the past 8 months and things have been going well but I’ve been obsessed with the women he was with during our separation. Constantly wondering if they were prettier, skinnier than me better in bed ect. I hate women I’ve never met and it is eating me up inside. How do I get the image of him with someone else out of my head?
My boyfriend broke up with me 6 months ago and after a few weeks he had a new girl. About a month ago he came back to me, he was very sorry for everything and want me back. I accepted him again. But the problem is, Im really having a hard time to stop thinking about that girl. I stalk her social media accounts almost everyday and I always, always compare myself to her. Physically, personality wise and all. It’s draining me and affecting my self esteem in a really bad way. I slightly have a hatred towards this girl I think I really hate her so much for all the pain I felt before when they were together. How to stop this because its really getting out of hand. I cry almost every night