Can you make him yours again after the break up?
It depends on…
… The reason for the break up in the first place.
… And whether you REALLY want him back.
And even though the pain of breaking up with the man you love can be overwhelming, sometimes a relationship is over for all the right reasons.
But more often than not a relationship can be worth fighting for. You just have to know the right way to go about it.
This article will arm you with strategies to help you restore your broken relationship and make him yours again. Keep reading…
Ask Yourself First if You REALLY Want Him Back
After you and your boyfriend or husband have split up you may have a knee jerk reaction of wanting him back.
… You could be lonely.
… You might miss the couple you used to be before the reason for the breakup came up.
… Or you might believe that you miss the man in your life.
But, whatever you believe, before investing time and energy into getting him back in your life, you’d better be sure you want HIM back in your life.
In some instances, hindsight is 20/20 but in other cases you tend to fantasize the past.
Your memories can play tricks on you.
While you might remember that he forgot your birthday every year, but today, when he’s no longer IN your life, that may not be as important as it was when it happened in the first place.
The problem is that while it may not be as important 5 months after the fact, if you are back together, the likelihood is that he’ll forget your birthday every year.
Take the time to honestly and authentically look at your past relationship and what it REALLY was and not what you thought it was.
Yes, you might love him and he might love you – but if you both can’t compromise, honor and respect each other and give each other grace for the bad things in life, then even if you get back together the final results can be the same.
The questions you must ask yourself are:
- If this man is the one you want in your life or if it’s the man you dream about . . . the relationship you thought you had . . . that you want back.
- Were you both able to work together?
- Did he respect you?
- Did you respect him?
- Did he show you that he loved you?
- And if he didn’t show the way that you wanted, was he willing to change?
- Was he willing to do things with you?
- Was he willing to learn and grow?
If you aren’t honest with yourself about these questions, you could only be prolonging the inevitable in your life.
Getting back together isn’t always the answer you’re looking for.
Sometimes you just have to go through the pain of losing the relationship you thought you had to get to the one you really want.
What Was The Reason You Broke up With Your Ex in The First Place
Before you can develop a plan to get back together you have to work through just a few issues. One of these is why you broke up in the first place.
The reason behind the break up can give you a big clue as to whether getting back together is feasible, reasonable or is something you really do want to do.
If you broke up because he was cheating on you then you’ll do things differently than if he asked for space while he worked out some of his own issues.
The two reasons are vastly different and the ultimate results can also be different.
If he was cheating on you then he may not want to get back together with you – he may have fallen hard for the ‘other’ woman. On the other hand, she may have been a distraction from a relationship that had gotten dull and boring to him.
Depending upon how you feel and how far you can forgive, will determine whether or not there is hope for a future together.
The other side of the spectrum is a man who says he needs space because other aspects of his life are not going well and he truly needs the space to work through the issues that are problematic for him.
He doesn’t want you to coddle him or make it all go away. Men are funny that way. He wants to work it out for himself and he needs you to be OK while he’s doing it.
There are no guarantees that he’ll be back, but you can bet he’s telling the truth that he doesn’t want your help.
But what if he didn’t leave you and you left him?
What if you decided that one, two or ten of his characteristics were things you couldn’t live with and you just had to get away?
When those characteristics don’t involve psychological problems, then finding help to work through the issues could be just what the doctor ordered to establish and grow a strong and vibrant relationship.
However, when the issue was abuse of some nature or a true psychological disorder, then getting back together may not be the healthiest thing that you can do for yourself or for him.
Without the impetus of you being gone to make changes in his life, he could just go on with life as usual.
As you are determining if getting back together with your boyfriend/husband is both the smart thing and the thing that you want in life, you have to take a strong look at the reasons you broke up in the first place.
Without acknowledging and learning from your history you are destined to repeat that same pattern all over again.
Your Current Situation Plays a Role in Getting Him Back
In life there are things that happen to us over which we don’t have any control. But, for the most part, what happens is often the result of our own actions.
They are the result of the things we do, the things we say and more importantly sometimes – things we don’t do and say.
If you and your husband have broken up and you are contemplating whether getting back together is the right thing to do, it’s important that you also take a strong look at your own current life situation.
Sometimes break ups happen for a good reason.
You might not think so at the time and your heart may be entirely devastated, but once past the worst part of the grief you can see how he may not have been the right person for you or you might be in a situation where not having a man in your life makes decision making easier.
There are times in life when we are at a crossroads. Making a decision will make a difference in the journey you are taking. You may be contemplating a move to another State or even another country. Tied by a boyfriend you may not make the best decision for you.
On the other hand, if in your current life situation you aren’t willing to make changes or compromise then getting back together is probably not the best path for you to take.
The reason for this would be if you both return to a relationship that failed the first time and neither of you has changed or have any intention of changing or compromising, then it is safe to assume the second time around the relationship will fail again.
All of this means that if your situation doesn’t change then any hope you and your ex have of rekindling your romance should be put on hold until one or both of you recognize the need for change, compromise and growth.
Your current life situation plays a tremendous role in the future of this relationship or any other relationship in which you attempt to engage.
Who Did The Changing?
If you are interested in getting back together with your ex, it will be helpful to understand why you broke up in the first place. In some cases it will be because one or the other of you has changed and the other didn’t grow along with you.
This is a significant issue that can be even more difficult to overcome than if one or the other of you had cheated in the relationship.
Change is an interesting animal…
… One person may be willing to change easily and may even be excited about it.
… But, others are afraid of change.
This discomfort can go as far as changing the comforter on the bed to changing a job or partner. Some people just like life stable. However, life is not stable. There is change that occurs each and every day.
And, if you want to get back together with your ex, then you’d better be interested in whether it was you or him who did the changing.
The flipside of this argument is that if it was your boyfriend/husband that changed, you must be interested in growing as well to keep up with him.
In an episode of the BBC mystery “Death in Paradise,” the chief’s ex-wife arrives on the island after the divorce was finalized unannounced.
She takes her ex-husband out to dinner and tells him that letting him go was probably the biggest mistake she had ever made. When asked why she left she responded that she was tired of their same old life.
However, after further conversation her ex-husband discovers that although she was interested in something exciting and new, she hadn’t moved with him toward something new and exciting, she was still living her same life and hadn’t even changed her evening cocktail.
Instead, he had changed and grown while she was talking about it but not taking action toward it. Needless to say, they decided trying again wouldn’t be a good idea.
If you are willing to change then now is the time to do it.
… Now is the time to talk with your friends about their perspective in your life.
… Now is the time to learn a new skill.
… Change your exercise routine.
… Change your reading habits.
… Watch the news.
… Make new friends.
… Go to an art exhibit.
… Or learn how to play paintball.
… Now is the time to make a change in your life that will make a change in the way he sees you.
… Now is the time to think about your own personal growth and development because it will significantly affect the likelihood that you and your boyfriend will be ringing in the next new year.
To Get Your Love Back, Make Changes For The Better
Each of us has a growth curve over our lifetime. That growth curve can represent emotional health, physical growth or mental growth. And each of us has all three curves that represent all three areas – and more!
The idea is to understand that growth shouldn’t end when you graduate from school, learn your new job or raise your children.
Life is lived in seasons.
There are seasons when you experience more growth and change than at other times.
For instance, infants make an incredible number of changes and growth in the first two years of their life. They go from being unable to move or speak to being able to run, feed themselves and speak, making their wishes known.
At no other time in life do we make the same number or amount of change to our life. But, that doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t be working in each season to learn new skills and make changes that improve our self-confidence and knowledge base.
And, at no time is that more important than when you are trying to repair or restore a relationship with your boyfriend or spouse.
This is an important season in life when you should be focused on your personal growth and development, learning new skills and expanding your emotional range.
- Have you had trouble with anger management?
- Do you spend too much on shopping?
- Do you eat too much?
- Sleep too much?
- Or watch too much television?
What do you do that needs changing, improving or growing?
This is the time to address those needs.
Think back to what attracted your boyfriend or husband to you in the first place…
… Are you the same person, or have you changed?
… Was it a change for the better or did you slide back into bad habits after you “landed” him?
Men are attracted to women who are self-confident, giving and good natured. If you want your man back, it’s time to think about what he enjoyed most about you and moving in that direction.
If you’ve gotten bitchy, irritable, angry or easily angered, then THIS is the time in life that you have to make a real difference in your future.
Whether you and your boyfriend are able to make amends, a better you will be better able to land a new job, enjoy new friends or develop new relationships.
A better you is just better.
To Get Your Man Back, Don’t Get Involved Again
Getting back together with your man might be the deepest desire of your heart.
And, while it might not be impossible, it is important that you are doing it for exactly the right reasons. Relationships are sticky situations. We aren’t always honest in our communication, and neither is our partner.
We keep secrets from each other and only show enough to keep the relationship together. But that isn’t the way that a deep and strongly bonded relationship is grown.
People who want to be together and stay together for the remainder of their lives understand the importance of making a commitment and keeping those commitments.
And, even though you and your boyfriend aren’t together, if you are committed to making this relationship work you are still in the relationship.
This means that while he may be free to date other people, you shouldn’t.
This might seem a little lopsided. You may be angry that you want your relationship back and intact but he is out dating every other woman in the immediate area.
But you have to understand that this is your goal and not his.
And, because it’s your goal and not his, you are the one who must live by the rules and not him. He really can’t read your mind or know what you are or are not doing. So, you might reason that what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.
The reverse is actually true. It isn’t what you are doing that will hurt him – it will hurt and confuse you and your emotions. In life it is important to have a goal and keep your eyes on the goal at all times.
When you get involved with someone else you are confusing the situation and confusing yourself.
AND you are potentially putting someone else in the position of being hurt by your relationship. In other words, you are doing exactly what you say you don’t want your husband to do.
Waiting for your ex means that you don’t commit your heart to anyone else because it muddies the water and makes the entire process even messier than it already would have been.
This also means that you have to deal with the lonely nights and evenings that you would have normally spent with your partner.
You can’t give into those feelings and start making friends with other men. Because no matter how much you try to convince yourself that you are only looking for company, this company will create more problems than it is worth.
Loneliness is something we all face at one time or another. The idea is to become exceptionally happy with your own company so that your partner is exceptionally happy about coming back to be with you.
Don’t Make THESE Mistakes in Getting Your Man Back
Women who want to get their boyfriends back into their lives can make common mistakes which hinder their goals or will downright impede their progress. Men are interesting creatures who all seem to have general ideas about many of the same issues.
Although it may seem intuitive to women to get their men back, some of these mistakes will just drive their guys further and further away.
Deep down you KNOW that you know that you want this man back in your life.
It would seem that texting him, calling him and popping in for lunch on occasion would do the trick.
Unfortunately, while it satisfies your need for closeness with him, it just drives him up the wall and over it.
What exactly are you communicating when you call and text?
… You are telling him that you are a needy person and just miserable without him.
There is a fine line between no contact and contact, and texting and calling daily is well over that line.
Believe me, he hasn’t forgotten you. And if he has, then you weren’t going to get back together again anyway. It’s time you manage your expectations about this relationship and your future.
Yes, you might get back together or no you might not.
But either way you have a phenomenal life to lead and it’s time you started leading it right now. Your life does NOT hinge on whether or not he’s in your life today.
He is the ice cream to your cake.
The cakes doesn’t NEED the ice cream, although it does taste better with it!
Don’t beg and plead with your boyfriend to get back together either….
… This just makes you look insecure and needy.
Neither of these are good combinations for the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with. No one takes their ex back out of pity – and neither would you if your ex-boyfriend were at your door begging and pleading for just one more chance.
Although you instinctively don’t want to lose what you thought you had, if you start down this path you most assuredly will.
Do you believe that if they know how much you love them – I mean REALLY love them – that they just couldn’t leave?
You would be wrong all over again.
They already know how much you love and adore them and showering them with affection, gifts and attention drives them further and further away.
And, don’t freak out when you ex starts dating again.
A rebound relationship is often just that, something that is comforting and extinguishes itself rather quickly.
If you and he are meant to be together then it will survive this rebound. On the other hand, this is NOT the time for you to engage in the same rebound activity.
As I said earlier, it just muddies the water and makes life more difficult all the way around. Remember that YOU are the one who is working toward repairing and rebuilding – not him. It’s his rebound relationship and you should just let him have it.
Have you tried to make up with a boyfriend or husband in the past? How did it go? Please share your thoughts in the comments