How to Know Your Husband is Remorse From Cheating (Signs That he is Truly Sorry)

how to know husband is remorse from cheating

When it comes to marriage infidelity, finding out that your husband cheated causes intense emotional distress.

From heartbreak to shock, to disbelief and confusion, there are many questions that end up arising due to the overwhelming emotions and the new-found knowledge that your husband is cheating.

When the betrayal is discovered, it can be hard to know if he is acting with true “honesty, humility, and empathy” or if they are just acting as if they care to move on from the situation.

Although most former cheaters are committed to saving their relationship, figuring out how to know if your husband is remorse from cheating, will stem from multiple actions on their end. But in order to identify these actions, understanding the difference between guilt and remorse is key.

Know What the Difference Between Remorse and Guilt Is

If your cheating husband feels bad because of the pain that they put you through, then that is simply remorse. However, if he feels guilty, the direction of his actions will be focused on himself.

For instance, if you pass judgment on your cheating spouse because of the affair and they feel guilty for the actions they took, then this is guilt. If they feel bad for their actions because they hurt you, that is remorse.

For the betrayed spouse who find that their partner feels guilty rather than remorseful, it is important to note that lessons are not often learned out of guilt as there is limited awareness of what was wrong with the actions taken.

Related:  How to Know if Reconciliation in Marriage After Infidelity is Possible (And What You BOTH Want?)

When a partner is aware that their actions were wrong and they show remorse for it, they are likely to stop the behavior and learn from it. To put this a little more bluntly, someone who feels guilty will ask you to stop making them feel bad, whereas someone who feels remorse asks to be forgiven.

What Are The Signs of True Remorse?

In order for your relationship or marriage to survive an affair, the forgiveness, pain, and confessions have to come from feeling remorseful. So how do you know if your husband is showing signs of remorse?

He will acknowledge what he has done, he will cut off contact with the other woman, and he will do what needs to be done to rebuild the trust and ensure the marriage will survive.

Let’s take a look at the signs that your husband is showing real remorse.

1. The husband will take full responsibility. This means that he will bear the brunt of the fault, since it was their choice to cheat, and will choose to be accountable for their actions. They will do what is necessary to help you move forward, by offering reassurances and answering all of your questions honestly with real answers.

He will take on the full responsibility for the fallout and will show shame.

2. He will be patient with you and understanding. Repairing a marriage after an affair will take a long time if it becomes repaired at all. He won’t tell you to “get over it” but instead tell you that he is there for you. He will listen to you and absorb the pain that you let out.

Related:  If You And Your Partner Do These 7 Things, Restoring Your Relationship After Infidelity Has A WAY Better Chance Of Succeeding

3. He will be completely honest with you. He won’t give you useless lies like, they were a friend, or that the other person needed them. Instead, he will give truthful, consistent answers when asked about the affair details and that are never “I don’t know”. If he does not know the answers, he will work hard to figure them out.

4. He will take the initiative required to move forward. This could include heading to counseling, reading relationship books, or putting an intense effort into you. Either way, he will never need to be begged to do the work involved in surviving infidelity.

5. He will have humility. Meaning that he will not lead with relationship grievances. If your husband leads with entitlement and privilege, like “the problems in our relationship made me look elsewhere” or chooses to have dismissive anger, or argues with “false equivalencies” like “you suck just as much as me”, then he is not remorseful.

If he is truly sorry for cheating, then he will demonstrate his apologies without putting himself before them.

6. He will choose to be an open book. Since infidelity breaks trust, the unfaithful partner must be willing to open up their daily life to their partner. Mainly, the partner must be willing to showcase their whereabouts and account for them.

Passwords to social media accounts, cell phones, and other personal devices should be brought out into the open, as this also builds transparency and trust.

7. He will do more than just say that he is sorry. For instance, he will openly express that he is sorry that he hurt you or that he is sorry for betraying you and your trust. He goes beyond just the blanket sorry to really show you that he is thinking about you and how his actions affected you and your relationship.

Related:  How to Stop Post Infidelity Stress Disorder From Emotionally Draining You

8. There will be some form of recompense. Remorse requires the understanding that there is more than just emotional losses at stake and that both time and financial losses should be factored in.

Real remorse looks to compensate where possible as it recognizes that heartbreak cannot be reversed.

In addition to the above, it is important to note that when you want to discuss the affair, your husband should not try to shut you down, push you to get over it, or completely dismiss your emotions.

Instead, he should be asking for forgiveness but never expecting or demanding reconciliation as that is only up to you to give.

Navigating the road to a trusting relationship will be difficult after infidelity, but it doesn’t have to be the end of the line. A lot of couples will find that joining an affair recovery center like this one can help with self-esteem, to rebuild trust, understanding, and reconnection.

16 thoughts on “How to Know Your Husband is Remorse From Cheating (Signs That he is Truly Sorry)”

  1. My husband has said sorry a couple of times but always asks me to stop talking about the topic to stop asking questions and to move on. He says he forgot all about the woman and that everything that happened with her is a blur in his mind he says he’s trully sorry and that it won’t happen again. But as I read your article then it sounds like he doesn’t have remorse over what he did rather his only feeling guilty. Although he has taking full responsibility of his actions and says he did the affair over his stupidity. So where does that leave me how should I take his apologies. We are trying to move on and go on with our lives he has changed dramatically for the good he doesn’t even go out with friends anymore but then again it’s only been like 4 months since I found out he was cheating. I am a Christian and I’m trying to trust God and he’s even going with me to church on Sundays. So really my concern is although I already forgave him and I’m trying to give him a second chance and we are living life as normal as possible why do I feel this negative feeling towards him sometimes. By the way I love my husband very much but this feeling makes me feel a way I can’t explain but I know it’s affecting me as a wife and mother.

    Reply
    • Dear Iris,

      I am very sorry to hear this happened to you as well! I can truly relate as this happened to me not too long ago.
      My husband reacted similar to yours. But at the very first he lied and denied everything until there was no way of denying anything anymore. After that he said sorry and took the responsibility for it. But I feel like you that my husband felt guilty and not very remorseful because he always tried to save his face and his reputation. I understand your bad feelings towards your husband. I struggle with that very much, too. Especially since my husband does not come to church with me anymore, which he first did after the cheating came to light. I feel very lost and alone. But God is still in control and I pray he will change my husband and my bad feelings. When the bad feelings come, I cry, I pray, I sing songs of encouragement. The Lord is helping me. But some days are very dark.

      How are you doing now? I pray things have much improved for you since!
      God bless you and your amazing courage to keep on fighting for your marriage!

      Reply
  2. My husband cheated me once it was 4 years back I gave him a second chance. But now he is repating the same thing with some other lady . Now when I found out that he is asking sorry and he is asking me to him to forgive for the last time .
    But I can’t forgive him again and again

    Reply
  3. my boyfriend first cheated on me two years ago with his ex fiance. At the time we were planning to take the next step and get engaged. I was devastated. he said it was a mistake and that he shouldnt have been involved with her and that I was the one he was serious about. After a few months we took steps to repair our relationship but something always never felt right. Some days he wouldnt want to be close to me saying hes not emotional right now. Once i bought him a gift and he felt intense guilt on his face. And one day i saw texts from him to a girl at 10pm asking how her day was, he brushed it off saying it was a work contact in another country. Fast forward a year, I see a missed call from a girl. I tried asking about it but he played poker face to show that i was in the wrong looking at his phone. I didnt want to show him that i was, so i let it go. A week later, my car’s bluetooth connects to his phone and i hear the conversation he was having with another woman. I was livid. Then after I found out i decided to check on the other woman that he texted late last year. She told me she met him on a dating app. While we were together. She shared the entire conversation with me. I decided to ask him about her. Is she a work contact? I let him spin the story for about 10 minutes. Then i told him I contacted her, she told me everything. He then decided to come clean. There were apparently six women during that time. He says hes been clean since. I know he feels remorse. I cant breath everytime I remember how long it took me (a year) to get my trust back. Only to have it destroyed in a matter of seconds.

    Reply
  4. Iris:
    I so understand what you are going through. You’re lucky if he really “has” changed. Just be open to the idea that an affair is not something that we can get over that quickly. I know you know this because of what you said in your last paragraph. God, I feel the same way. But I am still angry at the situation and him.

    Basically, for me, apparently, every time I bring up the subject, he huffs and says “ugh, are we going to do this again?”
    His affair happened (that I know of) between December 2020 – March 2021(tinder and so called childhood “friend”). He offered up no information. All the information came from me, yes I grew desperate and started my own “research”, once I confronted him with part of my proof…hoping by withholding the other part, he would fill in the blanks. That would show, at least for me, that he’s willing to help me heal by showing strength when it must be so humiliating for him as well. Boy, was I wrong.

    He kept denying, derailing, minimizing and threw demeaning subtle insults at me (and still does). I forgave him as early as April, because I loved him (maybe I don’t know what love truly is). He once again, kept important information from me and did a great job at deleting it all. I had to believe him, he claimed. But, he couldn’t answer why he kept deleting all information.
    We did couple counselling, but apparently now he is all “counselled out” and suggested, I need to see a shrink alone because it could help me resolve past issues I may have with my past. Ps…if that wasn’t real, I would actually think it’s a joke and laugh.
    I have passed issues (taking in a deep breath)!!! Yeh… I don’t even know why I asked him to explain what the hell he meant. He said that I must have had past issues with my parents, because I didn’t give him enough attention in bed. (Hum…thank goodness he’s not a psychologist – actually, it was his cheating friend who suggested therapy might help me. The one friend he confines in who he himself cheated on his wife for seven years…apparently. I now take everything anyone says with a grain of salt).
    I could go on forever but somethings are better left alone. Now, I admit, no sex. If I don’t get respect…if he is not honest…F’himself or whoever wants to be with a loser like him.
    For now, it’s me. The only thing I could say to help women or men who get cheated on, is try to find a way to make yourself happy. Find peace…yes, even if it’s through a shrink. If the partner isn’t in it with his/her heart, you need to boost your self esteem. That is when , I’m told, you can take a strong position, strong enough to make a decision based on your best interest (and your children).
    Until then I’m trying….in my case I gave all my financial earnings to my husband and he inherited the house we live in. He made it clear that if I decide to walk, it would be me out the door. I understand…I want happiness, sadly, I have no money to walk out. Trying to find a job is a terrifying process. I had quit to raise my children and now feel lost, abandoned, betrayed and so so angry…more at myself than anyone else.
    Thanks for reading…if anyone does.

    Reply
    • I understand Anna! I’m in a similar situation. My husband is the bread winner and we have a 6yr old son and two daughters ages 24 and 23. I honestly feel stuck right now bc I have no money/credit of my own. But I’ve decided to focus on me. I told him his emotional issues aren’t my problem right now. Fortunately, he is trying and attempting to show remorse, but my gut tells me there is more to come out. So, I’m keeping my guard up until the rest hit the fan.

      Reply
    • Anna I’m so sorry you have to deal with this!! I’m listening. I hope you find some happiness in whatever you do. Don’t let it define you.

      Reply
    • I was sad to hear what you wrote. I hope you are able to get out of this unhealthy relationship. My suggestions: Contact a women’s shelter for help, and if you pay for groceries, start secretly setting some of that money aside so you can leave. You deserve to be with someone that wants only you. You deserve to be happy. He doesn’t deserve to even look at you.
      If you can, I also suggest seeking advice on Reddit. There are many different groups that can help you with ideas on how to leave.

      Reply
  5. Anna, I completely understand how you feel. I found out my husband has been cheating for years with multiple partners; starting while we were dating. I too was a stay at home mom for years and had no financial means to leave. It has been very difficult but I have gone back to work and and am trying to build up to the day I can leave. It is so hard to keep living with my cheating husband. He doesn’t show remorse or empathy. It is so hard to heal under these circumstances. There are many days I don’t know how I will keep going. I pray a lot and keep trying to believe that God will help me to be happy again some day. I try to focus on loving my kids and doing what I can to give them support because my husband is no better of a father than husband.
    There are days I can’t believe this is my life. It’s so heartbreaking that the person I loved and put all my trust in was never really committed to me and I don’t know if he ever even loved me.

    Reply
  6. I hear everything you are saying and want to give you a big hug. You deserve so much better. My spouse has no empathy and no remorse either. Even though his cheating is with no sex involved. He cheats with women he works with. He becomes friends with them then talks personal information and that’s how it all begins, no harm no foul or so he thinks. He gets so involved like a fascination with them almost like falling in love. He then belittles me like I’m the bad person, criticizing everything I do. My husband is also an alcoholic so basically he is sober for the 8-10 hours he is working with them and they have no idea the facade he is playing with them. It’s all a stage for him to show them how great a guy he is. I believe he really gets off on the fact the amount of attention he can get from them. He can be very personal and like able. He will say anything he can , lie, to get them to feel sorry for him, poor Tommy syndrome!! He feeds off this.
    One girl who was offering him free tickets to a baseball game for us,came running up to him to ask if he wanted them. He was so excited that she was literally running to him not thinking that she was on a time limit to get these tickets before they were sold out. All he knew in his head was, you should have seen her running to me!! Get over yourself Tom, she was trying to get you tickets not flirt with you!! Augh!! Some women fall for this and even start a relationship of going on little rides out in the country with him. They drive him around as he drinks and buys them lottery tickets like a teenager would do. He has lost 2 of his very best guy friends because of his bragging on how he gets these girls. Because they really like me and think it’s disrespectful to me so they no longer want to be around him. We have no friends anymore. He has done this with women that he works with all the time. Once they realize what he’s all about then it ends but no problem there are tons of women there so he just moves on to another and it starts all over again.

    Reply
  7. Anna

    Fuck him.
    There are *many* different types of jobs out there. Not all of them you need to have a degree or major credentials.
    Start small, or part time.
    Also, most states have laws that protect *you* in the case of infidelity. Do some research.
    You are not actually as stuck as you currently feel.
    It is all in how you look at things!!

    And. You are heard.
    My aching heart aches for you as well.

    Reply
  8. Hi. I recently found out that my husband was cheating on me to with one of his customers from April to July 2021. I walked into this strange woman’s house with my husband there. The whole thing hit the fan weeks and now months after that night, with my emotions, depression, shock. We are working on this daily. Since July, I asked the Lord Jesus to intervene and change his heart from her and her heart from him. He broke it off three weeks after that July night that I walked in. His heart has changed 100 %..He is repentive toward God and toward me. It was an act of God Who saved us and our marriage. Go over your husbands head and ask God to intervene and save your family, marriage. Step out of the way and let God deal with him. He is the only one Who can and He wants your marriage more than you do! This is not your fault, remember that, my Dear.

    Reply

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