Has your husband cheated on you? Whether you’ve just found out or it’s been eating away at your happiness for a while, chances are you feel crushed, overwhelmed, lost and confused.
You’ve developed a victim mentality as a way to deal with the raw pain and emotions in the aftermath of the affair.
In this guide we’ll look at some ways to help you get back on your feet… because guess what: you don’t have to feel like a victim.
The power to throw off the victim persona is in your hands.
It’s not the end of the world and there is always a light at the end of the tunnel even though it might not feel like it at the moment. This guide might be just what you need to steer yourself back onto the road towards happiness.
What Does it Mean to Have a Victim Like Mentality?
If you can identify exactly what it means to be a victim, which essentially you are when something like this happens to you, there are necessary steps you can take, so you don’t have to feel like one anymore.
You have to understand how the choices we make in life affect the way we live. Once you begin to understand how you truly feel about things, you can once again begin to move forward and become a healthier, happier person.
Let’s face it, life can prove to prove to be a fickle lady at times and we have to make the most of it.
As children, we often had to encounter negative experiences that continued to haunt us into our adult years. Mistakes were made in the past that for whatever reason, have continued to affect us sometimes many years later. This can sometimes lead to overwhelming feelings of negativity and helplessness.
These feelings can directly influence the way the way we view and live our lives. How we react to life’s many challenges also shows a lot about our personality.
Are you strong, courageous and positive? Or, are you scared, angry and negative? Don’t worry, if you happen to fall in the second category, there is hope. It’s important to remember that there is always hope, regardless of what life throws at you.
You found out that your husband has been untrue and you don’t know what to do. You feel victimized and in a sense, you have been. This act of infidelity has probably turned your whole world upside down and everything seems like it’s spinning out of control. It’s not.
It wasn’t your fault, and you don’t have to feel like a victim anymore.
Just because your husband did you dirty, doesn’t mean you don’t have the ability to make a change for the better. There is a light shining on the horizon. Now, let’s look at how to change from being a victim, to being a survivor.
The definition of victim is as follows, “a person harmed, injured, or killed as a result of a crime, accident, or other event or action.” If you take on a victim mindset, it can often make you believe that life is an ultimately negative adventure and nothing will ever work out for the good.
Here are some things to think about if you consider yourself to be a victim:
Do you often think that everyone is out to get you, for whatever reasons? No matter how hard you try at times, it just seems like you are getting the wrong end of the stick.
Do you catch yourself asking “why” all the time? Why does life have to be so difficult? Why is everyone hassling me all the time? Why doesn’t anyone understand where I’m coming from?
Are you constantly sitting on the pity pot? Instead of trying to fix things, it’s constantly, “Woe is me.” This is such a waste of time and energy and corrects nothing. It’s OK to feel bad about the situation, but when it takes up all of your mental abilities, it can quickly become a problem and it solves nothing.
Do you often feel “less than,” or not as good as the next person? This is a tell-tale sign of low self-esteem. These feelings of being “inadequate” however can be overcome with a little practice, and you can slowly bring yourself to a higher level of peace and confidence.
Are you constantly angry, resentful, or just generally pissed off? Does the person who stalls at the red light, or the co-worker who chats on and on about nothing, or the kids who just won’t stop bickering make you see red? Relax, take a deep breath and realize that this too shall pass.
Do you find yourself often jealous of what the next person has? Nice clothes, house, car etc. “How come they have it made when I have to struggle so hard, just to make ends meet?”
When things don’t go as you hoped, or planned, do you blame yourself, or feel that it’s because of something you did, or didn’t do? Or, do you blame everyone else for the outcome of a particular situation? “If he didn’t act like that, I wouldn’t act like this.”
Have you gotten into the pattern of feeling that helplessness is just a way of life, nothing that you say or do is going to change it? “What’s the use in trying? Nothing I say, or do is going to make a difference anyways.”
If you can identify with any of these above points, you probably feel like you have been victimized in some way or another, and when a spouse becomes unfaithful, these feelings are legitimate.
However, there are some other signals that might make you recognize these feelings of victim mentality.
How You Behave, is in Direct Correlation to Your Sense of Self-Worth, Don’t Let His Infidelity Affect This
How do you act in social situations? How does the everyday occurrences that happen at home, or work affect your daily mood?
How you react to these situations say a lot about how you feel about yourself. Do you think you have taken on the role of a victim?
Check out some of these behavior patterns and see if you are acting like a victim:
When you get home from work, do you just shut down? Do you not want to do anything but turn on the TV and zone out? None of the plans on your “to do” list are getting accomplished.
You just don’t feel like dealing with anything, maybe you find yourself just wanting to pull the covers over your head and going to sleep.
Do you find yourself avoiding social situations? Meeting new people freaks you out, you never seem to know what to say, or how to act. You just don’t feel like you measure up somehow.
When you are at work, do you find yourself just doing the minimal of what it takes to do your job? There just isn’t a feeling of wanting to stand out and be recognized for your achievements, regardless of how good a job you know you are doing.
If you do find yourself in social situations, do you slink into the background, not wanting to be noticed? “Nobody cares about me anyways, I’ll just hang out in the so called shadows.”
If you happen to still be in the relationship, do you keep quiet rather than speaking your mind on topics that are important to you? Rather than speaking your mind, you feel it’s better to just be quiet to keep the peace.
If you are in an abusive relationship, be it physically, or emotionally, do you elect to stay because you somehow feel it’s your fault? You’ve been hurt before, so you deserve to be hurt again right? No, that simply isn’t the way to look at things.
How you decide to respond to these types of situations is a good indicator of whether or not you have taken on the role of being a victim.
What we may have suffered in our past can often have a direct influence on our present. The fact that your partner was unfaithful, can have a major influence on your future, if you let it.
When we find ourselves as playing the role of a victim, this can often be attributed to things that have hurt or scared us when we were younger. It scars us, and though these scars might not be evident on the outside, they leave a mark just the same.
Here are some things to consider to see if you may have been psychologically damaged in some manner from previous experiences:
1. Do memories from the past still bother you, were you physically, mentally, or sexually abused as a child? You are totally justified in feeling hurt from the injustices you encountered.
2. Do you feel like you were unjustly treated by people that meant something to you? It wasn’t your fault, and they didn’t understand the situation at that point in time
3. Do you wish that you could change your past? Do you wish that you had the perfect house, parents, or relationship with your siblings? “Why couldn’t things have been better?” Or, “How come things turned out like they did?”
4. Because your past was so messed up, do you feel it’s possible to have a happy, bright future? Does it feel like this is just the way life is supposed to be, and you are constantly overwhelmed by feelings of negativity? Guess what, life was meant to be enjoyed, not endured.
Because of these negative experiences you may have encountered at an early age, you may have taken on a victim mentality, and subsequently begun living your life in the role of a victim.
But now it’s time to make some positive changes, life doesn’t have to suck and you can do something about it.
How to Change Your Role From Being a Victim, to That of Being a Survivor
You can shut off those negative voices in you head that are telling you that you’re no good, or you deserve whatever bad things happen to you.
Just because he cheated, doesn’t mean that it was something you did, or didn’t do. But it’s up to you to make these changes that are so necessary to start leading a happier, more fulfilling life.
We have all lost people that were dear to us. Life can be short, but sweet, but only if we allow it to be. Don’t make it harder than it has to be.
Here are some things you should start applying into your everyday practices if you truly want to start living like a survivor:
Open up your mind. You can do anything in life that you want, even if it just means taking baby steps. Regain your independence and take satisfaction in all of the little things that life has to offer.
Get confident. You’ve made it this far, you can make it a lot farther. Recognize all of the achievements you have made in life so far and take pride in them. Always remember that you are the baddest chick on this planet and that you have so much to offer to the world.
Don’t be afraid to show others these accomplishments. It’s not boasting, it’s pride. You surpassed the company’s quota margin, you made an awesome speech, you got your kids dressed, fed and on the bus on time. It really doesn’t matter what it is, you did it and you should feel good about it.
Stay positive. The fact that your husband was unfaithful doesn’t mean that it’s the end of the world. Whatever you decide to do in the future, you have the power and capabilities to make it happen. Believe it or not, this is not the end of the world and you will survive.
Finish up whatever you decide to undertake. Use a clock, or a calendar to keep yourself on schedule. When you complete a task, it will help to remind you of how much you can actually accomplish when you put your mind to it.
You will be amazed at how much can get done when your head is in the right place. The possibilities are endless and you have the means to overtake them if you stay on track.
Remember that you alone are responsible for your life. Yes, he cheated on you, but you are the queen of your kingdom. Don’t let him dictate the way you rule it. You alone are responsible for your own happiness, don’t ever forget that.
Don’t let what happened in the past affect what happens today. You are in charge, and the choices you make directly influence the way you choose to view life. There are two sides to every coin. Is the glass half empty, or half full? It always comes down to perception. Choose to see the bright side.
LOVE YOURSELF right now and remember to do this throughout your day. Identify what you need to feel complete and surround yourself with these positive thoughts and images.
You are a special woman that was put on this planet for a purpose. That purpose does not include feeling hurt, angry, or abandoned. You are here to see the sunrise, feel the breeze and know that there is a reason dictated by the universe for everything that happens in your lifetime. Make the most of it.
Come up with a mantra, or phrase that helps you stay focused and positive. Something as simple as, “I’m worth it,” or “I’m a survivor” silently, or vocally expressed, will help you to stay on track. Write it down and put it on your refrigerator, or mirror that you look at each morning as a reminder.
As corny as this may sound, it will help you to stay on track if practiced and it can become a gentle reminder of how special you truly are.
Remind yourself that you don’t have control over his actions. No matter how much we like to believe that we have control over the situation, other people’s behaviors are something that are out of our power.
There is an old saying about a couple that falls in love, “She believes that she can change him, and he believes that she will never change.” Both parties are mistaken.
One thing that we do have 100% of control over however, is how we react to the situation at hand. It’s all how we perceive things.
Is it partly cloudy, or partly sunny? Did the person who acted rude to us at the coffee shop this morning dislike us, or did they have something else going on in their life to make them behave this way?
If a person cuts you off on the freeway on the way into work, are you going to freak out, flip them off and chase them recklessly just to get a sense of revenge?
Or, are you going to take a deep breath and slow down to avoid what could be a potential accident? It always comes down to perception and how we react to a situation.
Keep a diary, write down your thoughts and feelings, it will help you find out more about your true emotions and as you reflect upon these feelings later, will help you better interpret them.
It doesn’t have to be a long, drawn out narration, sometimes just a sentence or two can document how you feel. When you look back upon it, you can gain a better understanding of that day and how it made you feel. Try it, it works.
Express your emotions to those around you. Don’t keep them bottled up because you think no one cares, or they aren’t important. Tell your husband how much he hurt you and how angry, or betrayed you feel.
Make him understand. Also, even though you might not want to do it, try to listen as well. Communication is severely underrated.
Ask others for their feedback on how you are feeling. When they give this feedback, take it all into consideration to better help you understand how you’re feeling.
It might not always be the sort of thing you want to hear at the moment, but perhaps in retrospect, it can give you a better understanding of what it is that is really going on.
Sometimes we see and hear only the things we want, it’s a sort of defense mechanism, designed to protect us. People around us however can sometimes give us a much clearer vision of what exactly is going on.
Presuming that the person that gives you this feedback is someone you trust, you can often gain valuable insight into actions and behaviors you might not have been aware you were doing.
Recognize that it’s totally appropriate to feel angry, sad, or any other of the emotions that bring you discomfort. When your spouse that you love betrays you, it’s natural.
Feelings aren’t good, nor bad, they are simply feelings and you are entitled to your own. Never feel embarrassed, or ashamed for how you feel at any given moment.
Stay focused on all of the options that you may have available to you. Stay centered and in the moment. While things may seem overwhelming at times, keep yourself in the present time and place in which you are.
The past is something we can never regain and the future is something of which we have no guarantee of. There is only now.
Remember that there are professionals available to help you, should you need them. Maybe a therapist, or counselor can help. If you are religious speak to your priest, or pastor. They would be happy to assist you I’m sure.
There are also a variety of support groups out there that can aid with the situation, if nothing else but reassuring you that you are not alone.
Books to Read and Movies to Watch to Inspire You to Break out of Victim Mentality And Become a Survivor
Check out some of the numerous movies and pieces of literature that you can enjoy in your free time, it might alleviate some of the pain and discomfort you may be experiencing due to this infidelity.
Sometimes just curling up with a book that somehow touches your soul can bring tremendous change into how we view the world and walk through it.
There are tons of awesome authors like Maya Angelou, Charles Dickens, Mardi Jo Link,or Stephen Chbonsky that have the unique ability to transform mere words into something that somehow become tangible and useful in our lives.
Ten Books That Can Help You With Overcoming Victim Mentality
1. Bootstrapper: A Memoir by Mardi Jo Link
2. The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari: A Fable About Fulfilling Your Dreams & Reaching Your Destiny by Robin S. Sharma
3. How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie
4. The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covey
5. The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein
6. The Happiness Project: Or Why I Spent a Year Trying to Sing in the Morning, Clean My Closets, Fight Right, Read Aristotle, and Generally Have More Fun by Gretchen Rubin
7. Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff … and it’s all small stuff: Simple Ways to Keep the Little Things from Taking Over Your Life by Richard Carlson
8. I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou
9. A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens
10. The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbonsky
Allow their writings to revive the passion and purpose you have within you.
Ten Films with Powerful Messages on How to Survive Adversity And Live Life with Passion
Check out some flicks like:
1. Pay It Forward
2. Life of Pi
3. The Blind Side
4. Eat, Pray, Love
5. The Shawshank Redemption
6. On Golden Pond
7. Coalminer’s Daughter
8. Stand and Deliver
9. Pursuit of Happyness
10. Searching for Bobbie Fischer
These types of activities might enable you to get re-inspired and motivated, to live the life you know you were destined to live. Be sure to make some popcorn while you’re at it.
Hey, just because he cheated, doesn’t mean that it’s the end of the world for you. There are so many opportunities and reasons to find them for you that you can’t let it destroy you.
Recovery from this devastating event will take time, but remember that you are a survivor, no longer a victim and you have control of your destiny.
At first it seems overwhelming, naturally so, but with time and daily practice, hopefully you will find an inner strength that you never knew you possessed.
The bottom line is that you alone have the ability to change and fix whatever situation you may currently be experiencing. If your man cheated on you, that’s his loss.
Don’t let it crush you and bring you to your knees, that only gives him more power. Instead, use this unfortunate incident to make you stronger and perhaps discover the woman you didn’t even know was in there before.
Don’t fall into the role of the victim, things will never get better if you do. Remember that you are a survivor, with the eye of a tiger and life and the universe have so much more to offer and show you.
There was something that brought you together. That something can’t be denied, or dismissed.
These principles have substance, value, and should be held in the same esteem as your own self worth.
When it’s all said and done, it’s important to remember you were once friends, perhaps even soul mates.
So, I guess there are two very important questions that you need to ask yourself, do you want to live the rest of your life feeling like a victim? Or, do you want to once again take charge of the situation and become the survivor that you know you are?