You know that human beings cheat on each other. You’ve always known this. So why was it is so devastating and unexpected and unbelievable when it happened to you? It is hard to put your hurt into words, isn’t it? If your wife has cheated on you, you have been dealt an emotional blow that will take some time to deal with. You should know that all is not lost. Husbands do recover after finding out about a wife’s betrayal. If you want to stay in your marriage, you will have to work hard to move on.
Many husbands are plagued with obsessive thoughts upon discovering that their wives have had a sexual relationship with another man. You may find yourself visualizing how things were between your wife and her lover – physically. Some men replay imagined scenes of lovemaking between their wife and her lover again and again. This is obviously not healthy. It hurts you emotionally to visualize your wife in the arms of another man. How can you stop yourself from falling prey to destructive visualizations and images?
You have to make a decision not to allow yourself to indulge in destructive visualizations – as a first step. Upon deciding that you will actively fight the impulse to imagine your wife with her lover, you have to consistently distract yourself when the images start to form in your mind. How? This is up to you. Read a book. Go running. Work on a woodworking project. Paint. Cook an interesting meal. If it is late at night and you are lying in bed, try meditation. You really do have to be strict with yourself.
Forgive Your Wife
If you and your wife love each other and you both are earnest in wanting to save your marriage, to move on from this dark chapter, you need to work hard at forgiving your wife. Research tells us that an affair is not usually the fault of one spouse. Sure, your wife took the unfortunate step of having an affair, but it may have been because she was lonely – physically or emotionally. Try to see your wife’s affair as a kind of call to action, meaning that you both resolve to work harder on keeping your marriage together, and that you honestly forgive your wife.
Do Not be Afraid to be Honest
The thought of losing a spouse who we love is a terrifying one, though this does not mean that we should be afraid of exploring why your wife had an affair. Though many marriages survive and even flourish after one spouse has had an affair, if your wife is in love with her lover, this will probably not be the case. Do not be afraid to encourage your wife to be absolutely honest about what she wants. Tell her that you want to work on your marriage, but you need to know that she honestly does as well.
We all experience the hurt that accompanies an affair in different ways. If you and your wife have difficulty communicating, a relationship counselor could help you get back on track, or to develop new ways of speaking, and listening, to each other. Do not let embarrassment stop you from getting help to save what is probably the most important relationship in your life.
Resist the urge to ask about intimate details
An affair is about sex, yes, but can also be about other things as well. Your wife will not want to tell you about the sex she shared with another man. It will not be helpful for you to learn about how things were physically between your wife and another man. In the end, it does not really matter. Part of moving on from the affair in a positive way, is closing the door on the affair – and this means completely.
Put Things in Perspective
Your wife had an affair. Naturally, you feel emotionally devastated and hurt beyond words. You should know that affairs are an extraordinarily common occurrence. Many couples have been through what you and your wife are about to go through. If you are both committed to saving your marriage, you will be able to do so. The worst things in our lives are those that we can do nothing about, like a serious illness. Try your best to see your wife’s affair as a new beginning for your marriage.
Get at least 7 hours a sleep at night, stay away from alcohol, exercise regularly and eat healthful food. Seriously. If you take care of yourself – physically and mentally – you will boost your chances of your marriage being in a better place in one year than it is today. It may indeed be in the best place it has ever been.