How do You Cope With Your Wife’s Infidelity?

When You Just Can’t Seem to Shake The Feelings of Anger And Sadness

anger and sadness over wife infidelity

Having your wife cheat on you can bring out all types of feelings that make it hard to let go.

On one hand you’re sad, on another you’re angry.

Deep down you wonder if you did not fail your wife somehow as a man.

The angry feelings switch back and forth between anger at yourself, your wife and the man in question.

The sadness grips your heart, feeling like a vice that restricts your breathing.

It’s Not Your Fault

While women have different reasons for cheating than men do, it’s not likely that her choice to cheat is directly your fault. It’s also not the man’s with whom she cheated fault either. She ultimately made the choice to do this and it may or may not have mattered what was going on in the marriage.

You two will have to figure out together issues with the marriage. But even when the marriage has issues it was still ultimately up to your wife to cheat on you. That may not relieve your anger with her, but it gets rid of 2/3’s of the anger and sadness you may have been feeling putting the focus where it needs to be.

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Your Wife Likely Still Loves You

Most people don’t cheat due to lack of love for their spouse. Women are more likely to cheat due to unrealistic expectations about marriage than how they feel about you in general. Other reasons why women cheat has to do with:

  • low self-esteem
  • craving closeness and intimacy
  • feelings of boredom and loneliness
  • not feeling loved or appreciated
  • or a significant traumatic experience in childhood (such as child abuse)

That keeps her from being able to experience love and intimacy in a healthy way.

More than likely though, your wife still loves you. If she has expressed sorrow and demonstrated true disappointment in her own actions and wants your forgiveness, if you want to keep your marriage together you have to find a way past the anger and sorrow and get to forgiveness.

It won’t happen overnight and you’ll both need to understand that, but it can happen. Over half of marriages that experience infidelity go on to have long, loving marriages, those that don’t work out, usually dissolve for other reasons than the affair.

Improve Yourself

infidelity quotationsWhile you’re trying to get over the sadness, it’s important to do some work on yourself. It’s easy to fall into a depression and feel like nothing can ever work out.

Instead of placing all the focus on what your spouse did, work on improving your self-esteem. Start working out, running, or doing something you always wanted to do.

If by small chance, you were a workaholic, or did not spend enough time with your spouse prior to her affair you might want instead to try some couples activities or therapy and work on your marriage fitness.

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This requires work on yourself to become the kind of spouse that you want to become and that your wife needs.

The thing about women is that they often do not talk about their needs, you may need to go out of your way to ask her to be honest and direct about her needs, and then you need to listen.

Focus on Other Aspects of Your Life

Your entire life cannot revolve around this one issue.

You and your wife made many vows in your marriage. This one vow is just one thing that makes or breaks a marriage and should not be more important than any other vow that you both made. You likely have many things you do together that you both still enjoy. Place focus on those activities, whether it’s enjoying sci-fi movies, or building Legos – whatever it is, keep doing it. These fun activities will only add to your life.

Taking them away will only add to your anger and sadness.

Aside from things that you do with your spouse, there are things that you do alone and with friends. Don’t miss out on these activities just because you’re sad and angry. If you cannot get out of your funk while with your friends consider doing some volunteer work at the local soup kitchen or habitat for humanity. You’ll soon discover that some people have far worse problems than you do.

You Can Only Control Yourself

One of the hardest aspects of human nature to accept is that we have no control over anyone but ourselves. While you cannot control what someone else does, you can control your reaction to it. It’s fine to have a reaction, but you don’t want the reaction to cross over to retaliation, or worse, abusive behavior. If you really want your marriage to work, you’ll need to find healthy ways to express your sadness and anger, all of which are normal.

Related:  Confused About What to do if You Catch Your Wife Cheating?

Find ways to focus your anger and sadness in constructive ways over destructive ways. Yelling at your spouse, making threats, and acting in inappropriate ways will never take away the fact that the affair happened. Neither will beating up the man, or causing problems in his life. These actions can only serve to end your marriage rather than rebuild it.

Control your actions, and let your wife control hers.

Your wife probably did not mean to hurt you, and may have believed that either you would not find out, or that she would not feel the need to tell you. Many women underestimate the problems this deceit will cause in their life and the profound hurt that their husband will experience.

Learn coping mechanisms to help you avoid going down a rabbit hole of despair. Learning to survive her affair might be difficult but it is not impossible. Over half of married couples that experience infidelities not only make it work, but thrive with the right help and focus on improving their marriage.

8 thoughts on “How do You Cope With Your Wife’s Infidelity?”

  1. I committed adultery 2 months ago
    .I was drunk and made a bad choice. I confessed to my husband of 17 years that I cheated. Now he won’t allow me to have dinner and drinks with friends once in awhile unless he is there with me. I am 45 years old. But on the other hand, he can have drinks with his friends once in awhile. I just feel it’s unfair. What should I do?

  2. Can you blame him? If roles were reversed, how would you feel every time he walked out the door? Unfortunately, I know exactly what he’s feeling. The knot in his stomach, the anger, fear, deep sadness… what I don’t understand is how people who cheat don’t realize what they have done. I feel like the world dropped out from under me and have no clue how to deal and get even angier when she gets mad at me for my feelings! Understand that you made this bed and everything that comes with it… like it or not he has feelings he is working through. Hope this helps

  3. About 70 days after D day. I can assure you that if my wife had that attitude, we wouldn’t make it. Thankfully, she’s doing everything that is needed to try and make us work. Ii has to be unfair for a bit. YOU HAVE TO EARN THE TRUST. If you don’t feel that is worth it, then do him a favor and let him know. Better for him to cut his losses now and grieve than for you to decide in 3 months that it’s not fair and you want something different in life.

  4. my wife had a affair with her x boy friend, from 20 years ago, facebook.
    married for 14 years ,13 year old son, 4 cars , 350k home. off she goes buying hotels, 17 that I know of in 54 days. spend 3900 dollars on this guy.I am working running a business to provide for my family, my wife decides to run off with this looser, never married, lives in a one bedroom apartment. then she discloses 74000 in credit card debt to me. she has been living a secret life while being married to me. I allowed her to have her own back account and credit cards. she works fulltime and I tough she could handle her own business. wow was I wrong misjudged my wife age 43, truly betrayed me and my son. I am trying to work through this betrayal. for the benefit of my son. I have closed her bank account, her paycheck goes into my bank account, locked her credit, paid off her credit cards, now I Own taxes of $46100
    to the fed and state. so I have it pretty bad. so take look at my situation and yours in not so bad. I have boundries around my wife and she doe s not like it . there is the door. peace.

  5. Nothing beats my story folks. I married a woman 10 years older than I, after 6 years in a relationship. I was 24 then. Got estranged from my family in the process as it was taboo in my community.

    I went through thick and thin with my wife for 4 years marriage. Had a child when I was 28 through assisted reproduction as she was 38. Thought my life was complete.

    Now I’m 33. My wife, in a twist of events, told me that he had been cheating on me for the past 13 years!..with my cousin. Before and after marriage. Why? Because life is a cunt like my wife.

  6. 29 years , that’s how long we’ve been together after the loss of both my grandparents ( that raised me btw). We were both grieving and I questioned every part of my life and went into a very dark place insomnia , anxiety attacks feeling hopeless I really felt I needed to get away . I left our home for 3 days during this time of introspection and prayer I had a grand epiphany that everything good in my life came from my beautiful wife and rushed back home ready to start life over and makeup for lost time. That’s when her destructive behavior began, friends from high school I’d never met that suddenly became her entire focus .After two years of this I got this sick feeling something wasn’t right. Long story short. There was at least one affair admitted At this point I don’t care about anything in the past I just want to rebuild I fully understand that our marriage died when she chose to do what she did so rebuild is wrong word reinvent. I am struggling with imagery and the unknown

  7. I just found out that my wife of 15 years, has been having an ongoing affair for the past two years. I believe she also has a drinking problem. Both her and the other man have said that its over. She has agreed to go to counseling, and says she wants to try for our marriage to work, but says shes unsure of what she really wants… I’m lost without her, and i just want her back, and I want our life back! What am I to do??


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