If there is one certainty in the aftermath of an affair, it is that it can tear down your self-esteem.
After the time, love, and trust that you have put into your husband and your relationship with him, a betrayal such as this can make you feel small, uncertain, and worthless.
In the blink of one thoughtless act, your whole world feels like it is crumbling down around you.
Your self-esteem is essential to every aspect of affair recovery. It is essential for you to move forward with your own life, and it is essential if you ever hope to rebuild and recover after your husband’s affair. Especially if you hope to have a healthy and happy relationship with your husband after the affair, you will need a healthy self-esteem to keep the relationship going. In fact, it may be one of the single most important parts of being able to move on.
Why is a healthy self-esteem so essential for affair recovery?
Stop the Blame Game
One very common and very natural response to infidelity is wondering if you might be to blame for your husband’s behavior. The biggest hit to a woman’s self-esteem comes from the insecurities of her own mind and from blaming herself for her husband’s mistake.
Wondering if the affair happened because you aren’t pretty or desirable enough, or if maybe you weren’t pleasing him in some way only serves to hurt yourself and does nothing to help the affair recovery process. The fact is, the only person to blame for cheating is the cheater. No matter what his reasons are, you are not to blame for your husband’s affair.
Letting yourself or your husband lead you to believe that you are to blame for any part of his behavior is detrimental to your own mindset as well as the possibility for recovering from the affair.
Avoid Comparisons
Low self-esteem after an affair can lead you to compare yourself to the other woman. Seeking out photos, asking too many questions about her, or obsessing over little things like this incessantly only serves to slow the healing process.
You cannot fully heal, move forward, or rebuild a relationship if you are constantly thinking about the other woman or comparing yourself to her.
Secure Your Future
Whether or not you decide that you want to keep your marriage together, part of the affair recovery process is looking toward the future and making decisions about what you want to do. You cannot make clear and healthy decisions for yourself if your self-esteem is suffering.
If your marriage is going to survive, you need to go forward with a clear head. If your self-esteem is low, you are going to be constantly on edge, afraid, and still comparing yourself with a woman that is likely long gone from your husband’s mind.
If you choose to move on without your husband, you need the healthy self-esteem to build yourself a new and beautiful life. You need to hold yourself in good esteem if you expect other people to do the same. This goes for any friends you make down the road, as well as potential future relationships.
How to Rebuild and Boost Your Self-Esteem
After a major hit, it is understandable that your self-esteem might be lacking a little. There are ways to rebuild and boost your
self-esteem, however, so you can move forward in the world with a clear head. A healthy self-esteem with help you in all areas of life, not the least of which is recovering from your husband’s affair.
Love Yourself
Self-esteem is all about how you view yourself. So no matter what, you need to tell yourself how wonderful you are. There are a few exercises that can help you remind yourself about how wonderful you are.
Make a list of all of the things you love about yourself. Even small things are important. Things such as the color of your eyes, or your ability to have a conversation with just about anyone, are important positive things to love. Simply list all of the things that you love about yourself and then read it, over and over again.
Look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you are a great person, and that you deserve the best in life. Tell yourself that you love you, and repeat it as many times as it takes for it to sink in.
The more you make these lists and tell yourself that you love yourself, the more it will sink in until you realize that you truly believe it.
Take Care of Yourself
Make an effort to treat yourself well. Eat healthy and exercise often and be the healthiest you possible. When you can, treat yourself to a relaxing massage or pedicure, and take a little extra time getting ready each morning. Even if you don’t wear makeup, just take a few extra minutes to take care of you.
Treating yourself well is a major step to regaining the self-esteem that you lost, and is also helpful for affair recovery because your spouse will start to see you differently as well.
Stand Tall
Even when you are feeling uncertain on the inside, show confidence on the outside, as they say “fake it ‘till you make it”. Whenever you go out, lift your chin and stand up straight. You may notice that people, including your husband, treat you quite differently when they notice your confidence. Before you know it, this will become habit.
There are many situations in life that can give you a hit to your self-esteem. Your husband’s affair is one situation that can cause long lasting and severe self-esteem issues. In order to process, heal, and rebuild after an unfortunate event such as cheating, you are going to need your self-esteem intact. Your self-esteem is a major part of the building blocks you will personally need to move toward affair recovery.
I am beautiful on the inside, I have a lot of good qualities,, it is my outward appearance that I don’t find beautiful. He was searching for, lusting after, messaging, and masturbating to women who are beautiful, curvy, sexy. I am small framed, I have the smallest breast of anyone I know, barely an A cup. He likes big breasts. They have long hair, mine is short. They have perfect bodies. I’m older, they are younger. How am I supposed to feel sexy, desirable, much less attractive? I’m glad he loves for the person I am within, but he went to other women for the outward person. How do I feel good about myself now?
Sweetie, it’s not you, it’s him that has the problem. No matter whom he chose, there will always be someone who is younger, sexier, taller, hotter etc. You are beautiful. It maybe time to re-evaluate your relationship. Do you really want to be with someone who makes you feel bad about yourself? Stay strong.
Mellie
I feel lost in this world. I found out my long time boyfriend has cheated or “messed around” with other men. He said he was confused about himself, and could not talk to me about it. I don’t know how to deal with this. I’m so hurt and broken.
Nobody is to blame for what another does. This is their mistake and their lesson to learn. Even if they say or maybe you think that you are to blame for not being there , for not being something that they needed – you are not to blame. They chose not to communicate and take the wrong action and that is their mistake. Their life is their life. Marriage or a partnership is simply two lives that are trying to grow together but their choices and their mistakes has nothing to do with your life, it is just that they choose to deviate from your planned life together (and hence go against your partnership/marriage even if only momentarily they fell off course). You are two people learning from life and you valued what they did not (even if only momentarily). This is your life. You are good, you are worth something and you are strong and beautiful. Keep telling yourself that you are important. Whether you stay together or choose to separate, know that you are very important. You are not to blame for their lack of integrity or poor decision. The most important thing is to regain your self esteem because that will keep you happy and keep you strong and help you build up your life again. Don’t let their mistake define you. Their mistake is simply not yours.
I know this was written a long time ago but I am struggling at the moment and just wanted to say your comment has given me strength and peace. I have copied it out and carry it with me. I read it each day and it helps me keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Many, many thanks x
Truthfully, I couldn’t find confidence until I involved myself in a revenge affair. All that feel-good talk about paying big money for therapy sounds good on paper but in reality it really didn’t help me one bit.
Right with you on that one. Does he know? If so, how’s he taking it? Inquiring minds want to know!
I have been married to the same man for 34 years 11 years later my husband had an affair with his coworkers for close to a year. He says she was a couple of years older, So he was 33 and she was 35 and had been in a relationship prior to him for 5 years and never gave into sex with that guy. She told the man she was with that she wanted to stay a virgin until marriage. While long story short they never got married and supposedly went their separate ways.
Anyway, while I was working nights I thought my husband was home taking care of our 2 1/2 year old son. No, He took our son with him to her house a few times! When they were working they met at the park for lunch and she would go visit him at his job sites. When they were together my husband said all she would let him do was kiss her, he felt her out and gave her oral sex, came close to having intercourse, but never did because she wanted to stay a virgin. It’s all hard to believe! Because he also said he had bought her a bracelet and sexy underwear as a gift. He said He never saw her in them and he did not know what she did with the gifts. He said they did not have a serious relationship.and that maybe she Just wanted to explore what sex would be like and was letting him do everything but intercourse. Well didn’t she do a lot of that with her five year relationship??? I find this all hard to believe. It makes me sick to my stomach and he’s trying so hard to make me believe that they did not have intercourse. I hate this gut wrenching feeling!! Through all my constant inquiries and questions. He has told me that he felt his porn was coming to life with her, and thought the hidden relationship was exciting, that she was beautiful, petite,, bigger breast , thinner than me, dark skin, long hair, witty, and that they shared the same birthday and had a lot in common. He said he really wanted to get in her pants bad! He also said they did not get together a lot so it wasn’t like I thought. He says he regrets not telling me sooner and that there was a time that I had asked him if he was having an affair and he was a coward and said “no”. I do remember that. But I believed him and he held on to that lie for over 20 years!
I feel like my life has been wasted on a lie and a cheater. The only good thing that came out of our marriage is our son. I always caught my husband with pornography of some sort. He’d deny it until I showed him the proof. I thought that was our only issue and I was learning to deal with it. But having an affair and waiting to tell me years later! It really sucks! My life has been taken from me. I’m 54 now and we have a home, our son who is happily married and expecting a baby soon. Our first grand baby, and 34 years of marriage!! I’m so lost and don’t know what to do or believe. He’s begging me to not leave and wants me to be like I used to be. He says he made a bad decision and that we were not getting a long and that I was not giving him sex. How could I when he had her and I was working nights and we fought over little things. Anything would set him off and then we were mad at each other and he’d take off in his truck to go see her. Every time we talk about this affair. I keep finding him in a lie. He even told me that he had asked her if he left me would she consider marrying him.