As you go through the feelings associated with infidelity, anger, sadness and an absolutely broken heart, it can be hard to imagine ever feeling normal again.
Much less actually saving your marriage and healing it to the point where you feel good about it again. The pain is so deep it feels irreparable.
It’s natural to guard your heart after an experience like that. When you get hurt, you tend to put up blocks to help avoid it happening again.
In fact, when people divorce due to infidelity sadly, it’s not due to a lack of love, it’s due to fear of it happening again.
Fear is the guiding feeling and force that pushes people to avoid the issue, get a divorce, and try to move on and find someone else. Problem is, often people tend to repeat the same mistake again in another marriage.
Therefore, why not fix the marriage you have. As long as you both want to heal the marriage, it can be done. And, you’re more likely to have a successful marriage after infidelity with your current spouse than you are to have a successful marriage with someone else.
Divorce rates for second marriages are much higher than first marriages. According to the US Census, divorce rates for second marriages is 60 percent and third marriages is 73 percent. Since divorce rates for first marriages are more around 30 percent, you can see the issue.
Be Vulnerable – It can be scary to let go and risk being hurt again. But, if you hang on to that fear you risk the possibility of losing your marriage and once you go through with a divorce you can’t go back. Why not place your hope into the marriage due to the love and history that you share rather than put all your faith into leaving? Both are difficult choices, but only one can bring you true happiness if it’s what you both want.
Accept the Apology – When the cheating spouse offers an apology, and is truly working on themselves to become a better person of strong character, as the offended partner you must learn to accept their apology and believe that they mean what they say.
In all honesty, you know your spouse better than anyone. You can tell if they are being truthful or not at this point, and by accepting them at their word, you can move on and work on other issues making your marriage better than ever.
Keep Communication Open – One of the biggest killers of marriages isn’t infidelity, it’s lack of communication. The two of you need to find a way to keep communication open so that you can talk about your hopes and dreams together, building on what you always wanted for your lives together.
You’ll need to be able to freely communicate anger, sadness, and other issues without going back to the affair other past transgressions.
Start Fresh with Real Forgiveness – Within a marriage, true forgiveness means a fresh start. It might take some time before you get there. But, together you and your spouse should set a date for the fresh start to happen. No, it’s not going to happen the day you find out about the affair, but it should happen within the next couple of months. If it can’t happen the marriage won’t survive.
Work On Yourself – It’s also important that each spouse work on themselves. As the spouse who has been hurt, you need to build your self-confidence. Take time for things that interest you. Maybe you want to join a book club, a garden club, or go back to school.
Perhaps you want to get a makeover. Whatever you need to feel better about yourself and work on your self-esteem and image you need to do as long as it’s uplifting and healthy.
Get Back to Basics – What was your marriage like before the problems started? Don’t try to fool yourself into believing that your marriage was perfect before the infidelity. If it was perfect, there would be no cheating.
Not that this is an excuse for the cheater, but it is a fact that strong, happy marriages don’t have infidelity. If you can get back to how your marriage was when it was solid, you can make it work and heal your broken heart.
When you think about it, as long as both spouses are on board for fixing the marriage, you’re a lot better off doing that than moving on. Despite your broken heart, which, no matter how bad it feels right now, will heal, you can move past it and heal your marriage.
You simply have to be willing to do what it takes to move past it. If you hang on to the anger, hurt, and fear, it will be difficult to make it work. Not only that, if you hang on to the hurt, and get a divorce – you’re no more likely to have a happy marriage with someone else than you are to have it with your current spouse.
Honestly, infidelity is something that you can recover from. But, the unwillingness to move past it isn’t. While your heart feels as if it will not get better, time and effort really will make it better. You will become strong again and the hurt will be in the past.
Not only that, if you and your spouse really work hard your marriage may actually become even stronger. Plus, you can develop a new confidence in yourself through serious work on your own problems and issues outside of the infidelity.
What are you most afraid of if you try to get past your broken heart to make your marriage work?
Thank you for sharing this. I had tears as I read this cause my husband cheated on me & I can’t seem to heal & move on from the hurt & pain he has given me as his wife. I was a very very outgoing & into my fitness & always being at the gym & ever since I discovered this affair I hit rock bottom & no longer feel whole again.
He has taken my Pride from me & I don’t know how to get it back
Hi,
Thanks for stopping by and sharing. I can understand your pain, been there myself. Just don’t give in to hopelessness. Take some time out for self-care. Take care of you.
I’m in the same boat heart broken 🙁 found out my husband cheated with two girls younger than our daughter’s! I feel so inferior and broken
I feel your pain and sadly I’ve been and currently in your shoes! Second marriage second time I’ve had my heart ripped from my soul. I truly love him and want to move on but I’m so hurt, pissed , scared. Now I find myself short tempted with everyone including him. We now just co-existing always praying. I just don’t think it’s enough but I feel like a failure I don’t know how to give up!
i dont know why im really writing this but im in the smesituation as the 2 women i just read aobut how so you heal a heart that has been broken when your spouse tells your a year ago that he had cheated not once but 4 times my whole word came crashig sown around me and here it is a year later and it still hurts i go throughspurts of feeling insecure not only about my marriage but my slef. i need answers but he says he ccant remember much of it we were only married about 4 or 5 yrs and he said did not do it aagain we just had our 45th annniversary and it felt like nothing much to celebrate. iam a women of strong faith and i belive that only god can can heal this but i am having a diffcult time of why…
That is your answer. He doesn’t remember. They didn’t mean anything to him, you do. Take some comfort in that. He screwed up big. He’s not perfect. He gave in to sexual urgings & betrayed you, but obviously realized his mistake and stayed with you. You are the one he wanted. It was long ago, so who knows what happened. Was he needing to feel more manly, or desiring more sex & attention, and sought it outside of marriage? Probably. But he was man enough to stay with you.
If you only just learned, it was obviously shame & fear that kept it secret.
Trust that they didn’t mean anything to him. You did & do, he stayed with you. Many men don’t. So it was you he really wanted, you that he cared for, even though he hurt & betrayed you.
Feeling the pain of a broken heart is so much of the one part of the problem. Going through this knowing my wife had a affair in our seperation. Things don’t ad up of what her excuse was to leave and put my kids in confusion. My life has been hectic so much that I have lost than gained everyday I feel frustrated mixed feelings looking at her. But I loved her so much!
Because of what it is now. I have gone through so much with her and her betrayal I can’t explain what it feels like. For the sake of my kids I have sucked it up! I changed in ways! 2008 this has happened I thought she wouldn’t do this! Forever it will be with me because of the cut in my heart was deep and fighting for my family back at the same time, she has done this three times! I can’t understand why I will never forget what she has done to me.
I am in the same boat you are. I can’t stop thinking about the private moments she’s shared with others . My heart is cut so deep. I don’t know how to get over this hurt. I love her. I love our kids. I can’t go on. I just want to finally sleep, it’s been months of little if any sleep. I want to sleep and never wake up. Ever
Hi I’m also in the same situation is hard to pick up the pieces
I’ve given it over a year now and still feel just as broken as I did the day I found out. How much time and effort should one invest before deciding it’s not working?
Caught my husband cheating on me 4 months ago… it’s hurt so bad., he promised to make it right but just found out he still contact her. When I ask him does he still contact her.. the answer is NO but I know they still talking. I don’t know what to do., crying all the time . Feeling like want to walk away but where I’m goin.. no place to go as I’m foreigner in this country and no family here. All I have is my 4 years old daughter . .., sometime I feel like want to ring the women but I scared it might be not a good idea😢😢😢😢
Hi,
I’m the cheater who got cheated back in the end. My affair partner of 1 year left – once i filed for divorce from my husband of 19 years.
The hurt, pain, humiliation was massive. It have been 6 months and i am healing slowly but surely.
My husband, ironically, was my shoulder to cry on during my healing. I have no more love for my husband, but decided to stay in the marriage, and instead be grateful that my husband love me deeply even though i hv screwed up.
I choose to live and stay married with the disappointments, blessings that comes with it.
God bless.
Wow how brave to say this. Sooo many questions for you and how your doing now
Almost a year here as well. He ended it when I caught them. But he still works with his affair partner. In fact, he is her supervisor! He’s quit the affair but says he cannot leave his job and he cannot make her leave either (would possibly open him up to harassment lawsuit). I do believe that it’s over, and he is trying so hard to rebuild trust, but I also cannot tolerate her continued presence.
What do I do? I’m so lost.
Lost,
I’m sorry you’ve been through this. Obviously the question “why?” will be there. Simply, we humans aren’t perfect, we make lots of mistakes. That’s why. Can you continue to love an imperfect person?
And will he love & honor you enough to do what must be done? He needs to quit his job and promise to NEVER see her again. If they contacted by email, change emails. Change phone #s. Delete contacts. He should probably send a written letter, not emotional, direct & straightforward, that you read, saying he wants to be with you…Not her. If he keeps in contact, statistically the chances are in favor of future “mistakes” with her. No contact. None. He probably had some new infatuation with her, the new emotional high will be like a drug to an addict … NO MORE CONTACT.
If he does that, you can both continue together. You need time. He needs to rebuild trust. You need to feel loved & pursued … go away together on a trip. Find the time & money.
And it will be hard, but show him love too, you both need love to battle that emotional high he felt elsewhere. He has chosen you, so you know he wants you. You’re the better woman. And now knowing that, show him.
And of course he needs to show you.
Forgot about looking back at potential problems your marriage might have had (no marriage is perfect), rather, focus ahead on what you want your marriage to be, how much better you can make it, and make it that.
Again, sorry for this devastation you’ve faced. Many face it and come through it, you can too!
My husband has had a porn addiction forever (I didn’t know) and then he became an alcoholic and then he started with an emotional affair (which he told me about and told me he was ending it) and right before my birthday it became phycial. He waited tree months to tell me, lied straight to my face. I decided to forgive him and stayed married under certain terms and conditions. He has changed a lot however he still continued with the porn for almost a year and a half after the affair. Even through he promised he would stop. I have been incredibly understanding in the fact that it is an addiction BUT he has broken so many promises and our marriage vows that he said to me in front of God AND people 3 time plus his own private vow to me that he didn’t keep. I keep unraveling more and more hurtful secerets and broken promises and I don’t know how to heal from it all! I have forgiven him of the infidelity. I harbor no ill feelings from it anymore But all the lies and broken promises I’m stuck on. I don’t want to leave him I really don’t… for many reasons but I have done absolutely NOTHING to deserve ANY of this and I am so tied of being hurt.
I am with you, here
Just can’t get away from grieving every day over the secrets unraveling as I try to trust my adulterous husband. It is excruciating to close my eyes and imagine all his acts of infidelity. How do I still love him. I want to erase my memories and move on with my children. But he has convinced them that I must be crazy to have imagined all of his acts of infidelity.
I have asked Hod to take my life to get rid of the pain. But I love my children and will stay forever with them.
I’m trying to work on my marriage trying to fix the problem that was made how can I show my husband that I’m trying to change I never cheated on him but lie a lot but I told him I would be honest with. Him about everything I need help his heart has been broken
The trust was destroyed. The sweet, sincere, and honest relationship we shared died. As with any death, there is no way to get it back regardless of the help and therapy received. All that is left is a weak and pale version of what once was, and what it will never be again
I had an cheated on my husband of 8 years. We divorced and I continued the relationship with the other man for 2 years until he left me. I eventually remarried and recently found out he had been having an affair. I’ve recently reconnected with my ex-husband that I cheated on. Everything was great for the first month, but all the emotions and pain that I put him through have resurfaced. We are trying to work through his pain, at his pace. I caused his world to come crashing down, and now I can see that he fears the same will happen again. I truly feel that he trusts me, but over the 4 years we were divorced, he built a wall and is reluctant to let me back in wholeheartedly. In 4 years, there hasn’t been a day where I don’t think about the pain I caused him and wished that I could go back in time. I will do whatever it takes for our relationship to work again.
What about if a spouse continually cheats and shows no remorse for it and even challenges you to walk out if you are unhappy with his behaviour
Leave. Don’t look back.
I agree wholeheartedly; however, I’ll never leave my children and they don’t want to go with me. I am grieving, stuck in a prison of ongoing adultery.
I just want to be happy my boyfriend has cheated multiple times and each time he give a different reason why he’s done it. I feel so helpless and so down I️ feel like I’ll never be enough for him or anyone else. I️ try everything in my power to keep him happy and straying elsewhere but he just can’t help himself. I love my family that I’ve built with him. And even though i know he doesn’t deserve me i feel like I️ have no one else, nowhere to go. I feel like no one else will ever love me. Especially not with 2 kids
My husband is trying to be a counsellor telling me to process things correctly after I caught him cheating on me He made a choice of cheating it was not a mistake he is acting faithful in front of people me I’m suffering physically, emotionally,mentally in fact I’m a wreck I’m always sick all my body is cramping I cannot think straight Help
I’ve been with my significant other for over 9 years and just recently found out about his infidelity that’s been going on for about 7 months or so. I was literally in shock, I had not even the slightest clue of this going on as I trusted him with everything!! I do love him and I can’t see myself with anyone but him but I always have that constant wonder if he’s still talking or texting with her. He says he is not talking to her and doesn’t want to risk losing me again but I still can’t shake the feeling. Every time he is texting or on his phone I think he is talking to her and it’s kind of starting to make me crazy and give me anxiety which I don’t want or need. Will I ever be able to fully trust him again?? Will I ever stop wondering if he’s talking to her??
I found my husband with another woman in bed naked I can’t get over that picture in my mind, I think this has really broken me to a point that I started drinking depression pills I can’t get this out of my mind 😔
my husband had an affair on our relationship.. I found out the end of October.. but I suspected something was going on long before . long story short, he returned home and knows he has done wrong and apologized.. but my heart is so broken. I’m having a hard time looking past the pain and what he did.. never on a million years would i ever think he would so this, and it was someone he worked with… it was emotional and sexual. we have been married for what it would be 10 years this may and together for almost 14 years . I’m broken…
My husband cheated on me again 🙁 but because of our.children i stayed and i love him.so much..he said sorry and He admit his mistake and he loves me. But I dont feel secured anymore even before. I feel so depressed and.im.blaming my self.because i dont.have the qualities that he wants thats why he atttacking.to.other girls 🙁
My husband cheated on me again 🙁 but because of our.children i stayed and i love him.so much..he said sorry and He admit his mistakeS and he loves me. But I dont feel secured anymore even before. I feel so depressed and.im.blaming my self.because i dont.have the qualities that he wants thats why he attracting to.other girls 🙁
Was told by my husband that he is human and gets attracted to other women,its the extent to which he takes he s attraction that matters,this was after seeing texts he s been sending to other women.am not feeling attracted to him anymore,we have two girls and been together 17 years,what can I do,feel scared and a lump in mu throat.
Tell him you find other men attractive but you don’t actively seek out their attention. You respect him and your marriage.
I still can’t believe she did it. Indiscriminate, unprotected, sometimes interracial sex with multiple partners during a 6 month separation. She went wild.
Once this happens, is it bound to happen again? Am I justified to protect my heart and my head. Images, nightmares, thoughts, broken trust, lost sleep, can’t work. This is what Hell must be like!
What are the statistics on repeated promiscuity? Is she destined to do it again?
My wife cheated on me when we were in a relationship before marriage. She confessed 1 month before the marriage date. I went through a trauma and after a lot of thinking, i married her. Now after 1 year of marriage I caught her cheating on me again. WHAT SHOULD I DO?
I am so sorry to hear that. You need to figure out if she and the marriage are worth the pain of rebuilding. Seems like she was never really committed to the relationship in the first place.
Feeling quite hopeless as he blames me for him cheating while I was pregnant with our daughter who just passed away almost 2 months ago. I can take responsibility for my short comings. But I feel like he’s punishing me for what he did.He wont talk to me about it or answer my questions and shuts me completely down and makes me feel so unworthy and stupid when I try to just get my feelings off my chest. Its so painful I can’t really put it into words. Its hard trying to be the best woman i can be while he constantly makes me feel less than.
I’m just praying for better days… To be at peace with myself and to feel love and happiness.
Please accept my condolences on the lost of you daughter. I can understand how painful it can be to deal with death and betrayal at the same time. If he is not showing any remorse or giving you what you need, it may be time to really consider if your relationship is worth saving.
Riah.. exactly for me.
. I don’t want a bunch of details but I feel like I can forgive a huge betrayal yet he can’t answer a few questions… I really need to talk to him about this to heal…he gets irate and acts like I’m not worth it if he can’t do his part is he really sorry…he has never sincerely apologise to me and blames it all on me… thinks that gave him a right to do it so he doesn’t have any responsability for his actions… I don’t know how to stop thinking about it.
My husband cheated for 7 years with someone he worked with. We have been married for 35 years. I decided to stay. I now he has ED and probably as a man needed more attention than I was giving him. In addition I cheated over 25 years ago for 3 months. In any event it hurts terribly. Trust for me is hard. I thought we were in a good place. We have so much invested, Children, grandchildren, property. I’m sure he broke it off. we are working on our marriage and i know we love each other. I made a huge mistake telling people. I wish i would have not done that. I wish there was a blueprint to repair a broken relationship. I think about divorce daily, even though I do not mention it. It is the lies that I now know about and all the little the little things I didn’t pay attention to and now realize that I should have. I’m going to give it my best shot, but I will not stop living or being happy. I clearly understand I own my own happiness. In addition this could happen in a new relationship. there are no guarantees.
It’s been three years since my husband cheated on me with an online relationship with a Filipino woman . I can’t get over it and I feel stuck in a hole . He lied many times as I caught him in my sleep Skyping with her . People often say don’t worry it wasnt real . To me it’s not because he cheated right in my face . He would do nasty things on camera with that woman . I feel mocked of , stepped on and the list goes on . I chose to stay in this marriage for my little kids . Forgiving seems like an impossible goal for me . It feels I’m rewarding him for allowing him to come back to us after what he did to me. He got everything back and I got a broken heart it seems really unfair to me . How do I start that process ? I’m so scared to be hurt again . I’m scared to give love to him .
We were married 20 years and he was always wonderful. Closest to perfect a man can get and then My husband had an affair around our 18th anniversary with a much yournger woman. This death of our marriage is worse than any other deaths I’ve had to face. Everything essential to this marriage is shattered into a million pieces.
Just don’t get married, period! A piece of paper has NOTHING to do with love. You can still be on a wonderful relationship without marriage. Then if somebody cheats on you, tell them to hit the road. Sure it will still hurt, but at least you don’t have to go through the whole divorce bs that will drain you even more! There’s money in getting married and money in getting divorce, that’s why both exists. You don’t need a piece of paper to confirm you love someone!
Not the answer, it’s not the paper is standing before God saying you love this person through thick and thin. Humans weren’t meant to be alone. It’s why God created Eve so Adam would have a companion.
The one year anniversary of my husband’s affair is coming up. The pain feels like it happened yesterday. The entire situation is on constant repeat in my head, every single day. I can’t stop thinking about it and every detail of what happened. I hate him for what he did. Things between us have gotten much worse, I tolerated him right after it happened and tried to move forward but now I feel like I’m back a square one. I dont want to see him or for him to touch me or kiss me like everything is fine. I don’t know if what he did is forgivable. The paranoia, self doubt and horrible self esteem beats me up all the time. He claims he loves me and that it was a stupid mistake and he has no excuse but how can you do something like that to someone you love. The betrayal is unbearable. I wished I was dead so I wouldn’t have to face the pain. We have been together for 9 years, 2 children. What went wrong? I ask myself that all the time. Blame myself sometimes. I want to leave and start over but children make it complicated. I don’t know what to do, how to love him again without the pain. How to move forward.
Story of my life!
Everything you have said is similar to what I have gone through and feel the same way you do, unfortunately don’t know how to move on either, I am just tired and stressed up
Emily I am 6 months in after his confession. I dont know how to deal with this pain. How do you trust again. I also tolerated it in the beginning, but now I am starting to hate him. I dont see true remorse. Every time I want to talk about it he gets angry. He says he will never toutch another woman again and says it was a mistake. A mistake is a one off, not a 6 month full blown affair. I trusted him with all my heart and never in a million years thought that he would ever cheat on me.
I am the cheater, repeatedly be it porn, messaging someone or the 1 affair. I messed up not only in that but also not appreciating here tending to her needs instead of mine. She left with our children, across the country. It’s been a month now we’ve been separated. I know she’s on dating sites talking to other men possibly probably doing other things. It’s the worst feeling in the world! But I don’t resent her hate her for it, I feel like I deserve these feelings of hurt, insecurity, constantly worrying. Because that’s what I did to her. So it’s only fitting, I do know this she’s left stayed with friends but nothing like this. I never learned my lesson until now a house empty 3 children gone and one perfect beautiful woman as well. The silence is so loud! I dread going back to the house each day and seeing memories laying around toys, clothes, pictures every day is a crash course and realization that I have lost everything that truly matters in this world for what? Urges that could have and should have been fulfilled by her. I didn’t communicate what I needed when I needed it or be patient when I did and the moment wasn’t right. Life is empty and pointless. I devote my time to trying to help her and kids as much as possible and hope and pray and never give up regardless of what I find out or how far she moves on that our marriage will be salvaged. I truly from the deepest parts of my heart know that she is my soulmate my one and only love. I think about her constantly every second I love her she’s my world that I didn’t realize I was living in.
Thank you for sharing. My wife and I are trying to recover from infidelity and this perspective has made me think about certain aspects of our relationship that I hadn’t thought about previously.
I know all these feeling all to well I still love her
Same situation for myself I feel so broken, depressed, sad and so Angry with him . Our marriage is not the same i constantly think about it. We are very disconnected right now not because of him but because of me . A million and one things go through my head on a daily basis. I see him on his cell phone and it just triggers me inside. He takes his cell phone to the restroom with him and samething happens. I cant help it I don’t know what to do. My anxiety is taking a big Toll on me . Word of advice from anyone, I love my husband I really do. Thank you
It’s been 4 days since I asked my husband of 20 years to get out of my car. I’m numb and angry, and I want him to hurt the way he hurt me. I stopped by his office to surprise him with a slice of his favorite cake, and his secretary said she didn’t know where he was. I said I’d wait and as I sat down in the lobby, I saw him walking in, texting and smiling at his screen like an idiot. I stood up and watched him, and he didn’t even SEE me standing there until he almost reached the door to his office! When he saw me, his face changed and as he greeted me, he put his phone in his pocket. I followed him into his office and asked him what he’s doing (I already knew…we have been through this 5 times before with the SAME woman) I asked him to give me his phone, he stood up and actually growled at me “No!” And then pushed past me and left his office. I followed him out to the elevator and he had to punch in his code…he had to do it 3 times because he couldn’t get it right! I asked him for his phone and he turned to me and shouted “NO! NO!” In my face, and he ran to the stairs and went through the door. I looked at the people standing there, and I actually felt my heart shattering. I took the elevator and went out to my car….I was hurt, shocked, and devastated. This was just never going to work! We already went to therapy, he had promised me he had cut all ties with her, he changed his cell phone number and his email address….he swore he would never talk to her again. I thought of our two young daughters, and how this is going to affect them. But I had made a promise to myself the last time he did this, I promised myself to kick him out and file for divorce if he ever did it again. So here I am, holding my ground and refusing to answer his calls or texts. I’m so angry.
I forgot to mention he jumped into the passenger seat of my car and tried to beg for forgiveness. I cried hard, I yelled at him that I HATE him now, and that it’s OVER! I asked him if he had a chance to delete his texts, and he said he deleted them because he didn’t want me to “get hurt” reading them! The nerve! I growled at him to get out of my car, and when he did, I peeled out of the parking lot, called my office and said I was out the rest of the day, and packed all his clothes and drove them down to his office and piled it all on the front steps!
Today (4/15/18) i found out that my husband of 8 years been together for almost 12 cheated on me for 8 months. The mistress confessed everything to me. I am mad and furious but i do appreciate her being brutally honest with me. I don’t know what to say, feel and do. I am in so much pain right now. Just broken! He apologized for the mistake he has done to me and our family. But he never showed any remorse or didn’t exert any effort to say it straight to my face sincerely. I still love him so much, it really hurts! How and what to do to pick myself up and put back the broken pieces of my heart?
Folks let the Anger go – it wastes your valuable energy – I know as she cheated on me even after I caught her the first 2 times then “when I gave her the space she wanted” she did it again and then I was done and had the divorce papers ready then came her cancer diagnosis – I leave she gets no care and the kids get cheated out of my love and care – then she cheated again after chemo started which must have thrilled the guy she was with when I had someone call him to let him know he was a dirtbag – needless to say she gets the care she earned through the 24 years of marriages and my kids are good – few people know what she has done to destroy me and few will find out as she lives her last years with some dignity – she is trying to heal herself and the marriage but trust is not granted it’s earned so we shall see what the future holds – for me, all the energy I wasted on the anger goes into my work, my kids and the new improved me – not sure what the future holds but I will be ready for it…
If your spouse cheats, it’s time to end the marriage. I was an attentive, committed husband and father for 30 years. Perfect…no; committed…yes. I saw my wife through cancer, which was detected early and she recovered quickly. I was 100% in for life. However, she kept secrets and hidden fantasies. She was a clever and cunning narcissist. With no regard for her family or her husband, she quietly and secretly pursued her fantasies and, I would would soon learn, had no remorse for cheating, lying, and deceiving her family. Once exposed, she had prepared a clever narrative that made her out to be the victim. It was devastating to say the least. Fortunately, within a few weeks, I came to my senses and realized that I had to take responsibility for my own life, and trying to save my marriage with this person was not possible. I got help from a number of sources, not the least of which was an awakening of my faith. I got angry. I lost a half of my 30 year pension to a liar and a cheater. My two adult children have lost their childhood family and are going to have to get the help they need to try to deal with this tragic loss. That’s how it works. But I’m free and moving on with my life. So, my advice is, don’t waste precious time trying to repair a relationship with someone who decides to cheat and pursue relationships to satisfy their petty fantasies.
Heartbreaking brother. I feel for you so much and I know your pain (literally). I had three relationships in my entire life (I am in my early 40’s) and every one of them cheated.
Now I was not perfect, not even close but I was loyal, loving , kind and considerate to their feelings and their wants and the goals they wanted for themselves.
But I was a front man for an late 90’s early 2000’s hardcore band(moderate success) anyway I loved the third woman more than breathing and two months in I asked her to PLEASE PLEASE never cheat on me, if she didn’t want me anymore and was minutes away from taking another into her bed could she make an excuse like she needed a drink of water or something than call me and give me a “RITCHIE VENTO” goodbye. ( a little humor… See the movie ” Harlem Nights”).
My husband is placing the blame on me for his cheating. and is filing for divorce. I don’t want to get divorced. he walks around not speaking.
My husband works overseas for 3 months at a time and he is home for 2 1/2 weeks, he has been working overseas for 6 years. I had a feeling something had been going on with him for 2 years, being distant and angry when he came home. After doing my own investigating found photos and videos of his infidelity, when I confronted him he admitted to being in a relationship. I told him he needed to make a decision, our marriage or the relationship, he chose our marriage. Yes I have been through the emotions of anger, betrayal, grief and sadness that we have lost something together, but we are both committed to working on our marriage. Part of my healing process is not only looking after myself but remembering what we had in the beginning when we first dated before our children came along and this is the loving bond that keeps me with my husband. Yes he has been an idiot and he is genuinely remorseful of his infidelity and continuously apologizes. Part of my healing process is also to forgive which I have wholeheartedly because I love him deeply, but he knows that trust is the major issue now and is working on that with me by allowing me to be joint with his bank accounts as this allows me to see where he is spending our money. My husband and I have been married for 24 years and it is the memories of those 24 years that hold me bound to my husband, with any marriage you have your good memories and your bad, but when you are trying to rebuild your broken heart, think of all the good memories as this I believe is integral to healing your marriage. Our children do know of the infidelity and are angry with their father but I hope that they never lose their love for their father. I wish you all well in your journey to heal your broken heart whether it be you stay with your spouse or move on. I know that I too will get through through this part in my life and live in the end with a happy heart. Love and Light to you all.
My husband had an affair with my cousin. I say ladies. Heal yourself. Go through the emotions. And take time to heal yourself. Don’t ever make a man feel like you are worthless. Because this has nothing to do with you and more to do with the man he chooses to be. If you heal everything will fall into place.
Well said. We can’t move forward until we heal and start loving ourselves.
2months ago I found out that my husband was
having an affair with a woman we had previously had an arguement over. He said he had cut all ties with her 2weeks ago I found out they were still communicating. I feel so betrayed and helpless…I don’t know what to do to stop feeling all this hurt
I am in this relationship for almost thirty years and each time i find out that my husband is cheating he said he is going to change. I am so hurt. Is this relationship just an erection connection.
I fell in love after 4 months, and carried all of the pain still from a failed marriage with someone I had spent almost a decade of my life with. I cheated on the love of my life with my ex husband, who treated me horribly, whom I had never cheated on. I have now ruined the best thing that had ever happened to me. I do believe two people can work through infidelity if it is worth it to both to fix the problems. I love him more now than I ever realized I did, but unfortunately his love for me is gone. I learned the hardest lesson of my life and will never forgive myself.
I have gone throw a 4 year marrige with my husband who had cheated on me 4 times in are marrige and had sleep with 3 three other girls mean while I was abused and used for granted and after 5 years to this day we are still married but separated and in the process of getting a divorce while he has moved on with his life with another woman and talking about getting married to her as soon as he gets his divorce from me I have been feeling so hurt to see him do this to me after 5 years of are marriage I don’t know what to do anymore I feel I would never find love again like I thought I had for this has been my first marriage.
Thank you for this article. I am currently 2 days into finding out about my husband affair. We were going through a really rough rough patch and was fighting. We just couldn’t get along. We had sick kids which was a battle for us to handle. Well he ended up having an affair for 4 months. I was crushed. He quit the job he was seeing her at and restarted his phone so he has access to anything to contact her. I couldn’t believe that he lied to me over and over again for 4 months. I am not ready to walk away because the affair only started because she was giving him attention and not complaining to him. I understand our relationship was under so much stress that we almost lost each other but he willing to try and so am I. I didn’t see that we were that bad. This article helped me. It gave me faith and strength to try this.
It’s been over a year and a half. I feel broken too. My wife cheated and i felt like i was in the Matrix. My world stopped. We both are Christians and waited for marriage abd we’ve both been hurt by ex’s because we wouldn’t have sex. I married for those reasons, she believed in what I believed, beautiful, smart, etc. We have 3 kids. We had arguments somethings and that was her reasoning. She said the same thing she don’t remember certain things i feel are omitted. I never check her phone or social media. My teen found out in front of the 2 little ones on another cell. I know the guy. He’s married with kids. I don’t have trust anymore. She had her parents in the home i didn’t. She was willing to rob her kids to have the life she had as a child. How can i forget cause what i do know makes disgusted, but i love her. Even love making is weird and crazy feelings!!!
My situation is complicated. I said someone else’s name while we were intimate but it wasn’t because I was cheating it was because I remembered he was on his way over. He was a coworker and not my type. I also have a cousin with the same name (you will understand this comment later). My housemate then is now my husband says I cheated and he is still devastated 10 years later. 1st he constantly brought up the coworker saying I was cheating. I told him I didn’t but at the time of the wrong name incident we were just friends with benefits. Now that we are Married for the last 3 years he says all he pictures is me sleeping with either my old coworker or my cousin who has the same name as my ex coworker. Since I refused to say I slept with the coworker he now assumes it’s my cousin who I use to be close with he was like my big brother since we were little. I never slept with either and never thought about it and I have told my husband this time and time again. He has damaged our marriage with the ridiculous allegations even though he seems sooo hurt about it. He has also ruined my family ties with my cousin. I’m annoyed hurt confused and feel disrespected for the insane allegations he constantly brings it up when he’s mad about anything. The day in question as soon as I said his name he had busted pulled into the driveway and I heard the car door close. When he’s not bringing it up we get along great. He accuses me when I go out with family or when I go to work at times and have to work in the field. He doesn’t trust me even though I invite him to things. I’m struggling to keep the faith. in our 5 years of being intimate 7 years of being boyfriend/girlfriend and 3 years of marriage 15 Yrs total. Now he goes out a lot and hangs with his friends and leaves me wondering what’s next? He threatens divorce all the time now my response is well let’s get divorced then he gets nice again. My mind says run but for some reason my heart is still attached.