Did your wife’s affair happen recently or was it many years ago? Does it seem like no matter how hard you try you can’t get it out of your mind, the pain keeps gnawing at your heart giving you no peace? Does it feel like your pain would never end? Getting over infidelity and healing the emotional wounds is no small task. It takes herculean effort and fortitude to deal with.
But the truth is the pain won’t last forever unless you do nothing about it. Be assured that you are not consigned to live the rest of your life being bitter and resentful.
Marriage experts agree – and I can attest to this from personal experience – that the number one thing that keeps the pain front and foremost in your mind is the fact that the issue has not been fully dealt with or resolved to your satisfaction. What do I mean by that?
Think back to when you first found about your wife’s affair, you had lots of questions about what happened – you wanted, no needed answers to your questions even if those answers turned out to be very painful, right? Did you get those answers or did your wife’s resistance to answering put an end to the discussion? Did she repeatedly lie to you, told half-truths or just wanted to sweep the affair under the proverbial rug?
These are some of the common tactics used by cheaters. The idea is to frustrate you so that you’ll give up and stop asking. But this stalling never works, all it does is put the issue on the back burner for awhile before it rears up again. It will never go away unless and until it is fully dealt with, which means your pain is not going to go away either.
To overcome the pain it is essential to get answers to at least some of the questions about what went on during the affair. Because not knowing what you want to know is the worst part of all as it prevents you from getting it out of your mind, so now your mind is filling in the missing pieces about the why, what, how and wherefore of the affair.
Overcoming the pain also involves reading and talking about the affair.
Reading about affairs can give you much need perspective about why they happen and helps you make sense of all the craziness.
Whenever you are feeling overwhelmed by your emotions, you should reach out to your loved ones, such as a family member or a close friend. Just be sure that the person you’re sharing your troubles with will positively support you, but steer clear of excessive negativity which can leaving feel worse. If there is no one in your circle that you wish to confide in or you prefer not to, you can always talk with your clergy or an infidelity counselor or coach.
Some betrayed spouses often believe there’s no hope of ever overcoming the pain of the affair. If your wife’s affair was more recent or even if it happened years ago, you can still heal from the emotional trauma. The first step to getting over infidelity and owning your own mind and thoughts again is to believe it’s possible to overcome.
Recovering from the pain is not something that happens automatically because the two of you decided to stay together, nor does it happen with the passage of time. Admittedly recovery takes a long time, but you have to use that time constructively, actively doing and practicing the kind of things that bring about total recovery.
Whether your wife’s affair happened years ago or more recently, ask yourself: Am I unknowingly doing things that is keeping the pain alive? If the answer is yes or I don’t know, then click here for a resource that is specifically geared to betrayed husbands.