After Her Affair: Is She Really Committed? How to Know For Sure

surviving your wife affair


It can be very hard to make the decision to move forward in your marriage after your wife’s affair.

This is especially true if you’re not sure whether or not she’s totally committed to making the marriage work or not.

But, there are signs that can help you determine that she’s really ready to move forward in making your marriage work.

She Apologizes Many Times

A wife that is truly sorry for what she’s done will not avoid the topic of the affair and will apologize more than once in both words and actions. If she’s really committed she’ll be able to articulate why she wants forgiveness and wants to stay in the marriage. She’ll both say the words and show you how sorry she is in many ways repeatedly. You’ll be able to tell by the way she says she’s sorry, and by the way she acts when you’re around.

She Avoids Making Excuses

A wife who really wants to make her marriage work will not place blame on you and make unfounded excuses for her affair. She will however, let you know what she needs from you to make the marriage work. However, she will not do it in such a way as to make you feel bad. She will admit that she was in control of her own actions and it was her choice to do what she did and that it was a bad choice that she wants to change.

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She Reacts to You in Supportive Ways

A wife who wants to work on her marriage and is truly sorry will do things to help build up your self-esteem, ensuring you that what happened was not your fault. She’ll be supportive even when you are jealous, and bear your anger as long as it’s not abusive. She’ll work with you until you are done with these feelings. She’ll understand that your forgiveness will take some time but that it will come because you are also committed to the marriage.

She Places the Blame Where it Belongs

A wife who is sorry about her indiscretion will place the blame of the affair where it belongs, fully on herself and not on you or others. She won’t blame her childhood, or the man, or you. She’ll take responsibility for herself and her own actions and work to improve in order to avoid the problem in the future.

Many women have affairs due to low self-image, child abuse, or even boredom. This does not make it your fault, but knowing why your wife had the affair can help prevent future issues. Even though it’s not your fault, due to the fact that she is taking responsibly for her own actions, and is willing to explain says a lot about her convictions to work on your marriage.

She Follows Through with Promises

If she says she’s going to the store, she goes to the store. If she promises to get a new job to avoid her lover, she will get a new job. If she makes a promise to be open about her feelings at all times, she’ll start being more open.

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You’ll notice a difference immediately. Her personality will be the same, but her openness will be different. She may have been one to hide her feelings or disappointments from you in the past, to avoid hurting you or disappointing you, but now her commitment to making your marriage work allows her to tell you things she would not tell you before.

For instance, a woman who had an affair due to sexual dissatisfaction but who did not inform you prior to her affair will need to help you learn how to please her sexually. Or a woman who had an affair due to loneliness, such as a house wife home with children all day, will let you know that she needs a break, or needs some grown up time to feel less lonely and needy.

She’s on Board with Counseling & Therapy

A woman who is sorry for her affair will not avoid couple’s therapy or individual therapy if it means saving her marriage. She’ll want to do what needs to be done in order to fix the marriage so that you and she can move on happily in your relationship. She’ll accept the long road ahead and work through what needs to be worked through in order to make the marriage work.

You’ll know she’s being honest about her intentions by how therapy affects her. Does she tell the truth during therapy and then follow through with the instructions of the therapist in a way that is constructive and fruitful? If so, there is more than a good chance that your wife is truly committed to your marriage and that the two of you can overcome her affair.

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Surviving your wife’s affair can be a difficult journey to travel, but with the right work, and commitment from both of you, it can be done. Being afraid of your wife doing it again is a reasonable response to the affair, but there is no reason statistically to believe she’ll do it again if she’s really sorry and committed to making the marriage work.

If your wife refuses to gloss over the affair, does not make excuses for her actions, and works hard to earn back your trust, you can be confident that she’s not as likely to do it again. You have to remember that about 28 percent of all women cheat and that over half of all marriages that suffer from affairs do move on and craft successful marriages. There is no reason to think that your marriage won’t survive and even thrive after an affair.

18 thoughts on “After Her Affair: Is She Really Committed? How to Know For Sure”

  1. What if this infedility of the wife is due to the recurrent infidelities of the husband !?? In order not to break the marriage she decides to console herself and succumbs to a person who is looking after her and shows her affection . To stop the suffering that her husband is inflicting on her Thru his infedilities !!

  2. Another situation: a couple has crises in relationship – the wife pushes him out of the house and does not want to give him a second chance (turns out later she had a relationship back then which she did not tell about). At the same time she gets pregnant (the child is husband’s 100%) and asks him to move back, which he does. Since then (two years later) yet another child is born. Recently the husband learns 1) about the affai back then, 2) that two years after it was over she was still writing to “him” that she missed him and wanted him; 3) one year after that she again wrote to “him” that she was thinking about him 24 hours a day…The husband knows all this but the wife does not know that she knows. What should the husband do?

  3. Please leave the relationship. Your significant other holds no respect for you and this will do damage to the children in the end. Also steam roll her in the divorce. My EX-wife manipulated me into taking care of her needs and now I literally have a fraction of what I had before ever meeting her. Family court system is corrupt too, only way a MAN can get anything back is to pay thousands of dollars to a private attorney, and even still it’s a gamble under the best of circumstances. I’m a conscientious objector towards violence but my EX-wife managed to manipulate the family courts to allow her full custody of MY two children through filing for a domestic violence restraining order. Please be careful, understand marriage is a sham, and no one absolutely needs and one specific person in the entirety of their life.

  4. Recently found out my wife was having an affair with a co-worker for 4 months. Up until the day I confronted her about it, she was having plans to meet with him again. During these 4 months my wife treated me with disrespect and told me she didn’t love me. Once I found out she was having sex with him I decided to walk away, but she begged for forgiveness and even decided to quit her job to prove it. I’m so torn because I love her and can’t believe she did this to me, but at the same time the thoughts of her being with another man haunts me all day. I don’t know weather to believe her and is being honest about it or is it something she will do again.
    She blames this on lack of judgement and getting lost in the moment. She seems very sincere about regretting what happened and wants to make things better. Shes on birth control and now wants to have another baby just to prove that she means it. What should I do!?

    • I have no idea what to say. I am in the exact same boat. Did you work it out? I don’t know what to do at all I can’t seem to move past what happened it is so similar to your situation and she seems so honest about working it out but now I sometimes wonder if I even want to. I love her some of the time but I can’t even say the words or hug her without thinking about it and then I get sad/angry/depressed and it’s a constant feeling. When shes gone I feel lonely and wonder what she is doing. When she is home I get angry about small things. When she takes her clothes off all I can think of is how she did it for him. I don’t even know how to properly forgive this. I’ve never been good at forgiving people and this is a huge one. I hope you guys worked out though sometimes I’m not sure people should work it out when someone has cheated on the other. If you’re happy now I’d like to know . I understand it has been some time for you but hope this gets to you somehow.

    • Do not get her pregnant. She is narcissistic amd thats one way for her to make you look one way instead of the other. I’m speaking from experience….4 kids later…..she cheat while pregnant with my first born and now cheated again a year after the last one was born…..don’t do it!!!

  5. Hello
    I just found out that my wife that we have been together for 11 years she is been sleeping with the guy that I thought he is no harm, the have been doing this for 1 year and couple of months, when I found out I did the things that am not proud of, I physical abused her. my problem is even though I am angry I still want to have sex with her is that normal? please help

  6. Tshepo – You still wanting to have sex with her is very normal.. Some people experience this and some don’t. It’s called “Hysterical Bonding” or “trauma bonding” Trust me… I’m going thru the exact same thing.

  7. Hi all,
    I’ve recently found out my wife of 27yrs was having an affair with a co-worker.. it’s taking me some time to process this information as she was my Snow White (yeah that’s right the one unique wife that couldn’t do anything wrong)..
    The thing is I can sort of understand her affair and I’m ready to forgive her for this and move on, the problem I’m facing since I found out is that she told me who he was after many lies…
    So I tried the obvious ,Facebook, national database, electoral roll,, even phoned workplace…
    And guess what, this person doesn’t exist…
    My question to you is what can I do to get her to talk openly???

    • Please don’t be a fool, she is gaslighting you. She doesn’t want to give up the affair. You are her beta male for home, finances, security. AP is alpha male for giving her wild side sex to , her passion.
      Dump and divorce her. Don’t be a disrespect backup plan.

  8. Hello
    Going through depression as being kicked out of house after 8 years of marriage with kid, as she is having emotional affair for sure but may/may not be sexual .. Really hard phase to save marriage.. Please Help

  9. My wife had a short affair about 2 months ago. She told me about it and I was furious at first and still find myself wanting to punch something but we talked about it she allowed me full disclosure about everything times dates what was said in text what was done at meetings and everything. We are working it out but it’s not easy! I say this to get to this point if it was a one time thing and she seems to be truly sorry about it you love her then try and talk about it when you’re ready ask for closure but do it in a time you’re alone and as calm as you can be and remember it’s ok to be angry about and by all means do so and if she truly loves you and is sorry she will give you all the details you ask for and understand your anger about it but also look at what you could have done better in your relationship to have prevented it. My problem was no attention and VERY poor communication. That reason does not give her the right to cheat but I could have done better at that to prevented her from getting the attention elsewhere. It’s never your fault don’t let blame go on you she made the conscious decision to cheat nobody held a gun to her head. Communicate with her and forgiveness is hard it takes lots of time just be patient if she’s patient with you.

    • No, you don’t get it, she CHOSE to DISRESPECT you and the marriage. Don’t be weak. Get no lawyer divorce, make her go through the hard work to keep you and bring you back. Yes, you may have faults – but so did she. Get a spine or she will NEVER RESPECT YOU. Read about 180. It works!

  10. Caught my wife in the act of cheating with my “best friend ” Trying to get over it. It’s been 2 years and change. It’s hard but for the kids. Going to reevaluate when they are out of the house. Got to much to lose financially.

    • You don’t get or understand women. She blew you off , screwing a friend. You are now and forever her money gravy train and fearful spineless husband. She now knows she can cheat at will, eat her cake and have you too. Money is not worth losing self respect. Kids sense when there is not love or respect.
      Divorce her

  11. My wife had a three year affair with a teacher she taught with, I suspected and asked several times. She lied and tried turning it on me!! I was literally going through 5 years of chemo for cancer. She told me I was nuts from chemo brain. I know she cheated, just don’t have the explicit proof. But – she kicked me out of the bedroom, was always on her phone , changed all digital passwords, went to social outings without telling me they happened, quit going to church with me for three years, told me vehemently how she hated 7 times over these 5 years and stopped all sex with me. After one of my cancer surgeries she disappeared for a week and I had to call friend to get home. The doctors told me I have about 5 years to live. I just can’t do this anymore more, is it wrong to divorce without hard proof, except catching her kissing him on the lips at a school reunion event.


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