An affair is to a marriage as a massive, jagged rock is to a ship in stormy waters. This is not to say that an affair will tear apart your marriage but that it could, if you and your husband allow it to. If your husband has reacted to your affair by calling you hurtful names and resorting to emotional abuse, you need to take firm action before the situation deteriorates even further.
Was Your Husband Verbally Abusive Before Your Affair?
If your husband was verbally abusive before your affair, calling you hurtful names or attempting to erode your self-confidence by mocking you or being unkind to you, it may be that your affair was a response to a marriage in distress. Your first move should be to seek some support; ask your doctor to recommend a counselor, research some names in your town or city or seek help online.
A professional counselor will be able to give you sound guidance around your situation. It may be that you will have to leave your husband until such a time as he undergoes professional counseling.
Is Your Husband’s Verbal Abuse a New Thing?
If you and your husband enjoy a loving relationship but this has changed as a result of your husband learning about your affair, you need to try to understand why he is acting in this unacceptable way. Learning that your wife has had an extraordinarily relationship with another man can leave a husband reeling: he may be striking out with verbal abuse out of a place of hurt. Seeking professional help will boost your chances of getting past this tumultuous time in your marriage.
Be Firm in Not Accepting Your Situation
Human beings make mistakes, including having extramarital affairs. While you should accept responsibility for making the decision to have an affair – this was a choice that you made, after all – you must also insist that your husband treat you fairly. It is important that you make it clear to your husband that while you are there to support him through what you know is an emotional crisis, you will not tolerate any name-calling or verbal abuse. Period.
Get Some Professional Help
If your husband is pushing his anger about your affair toward you, he could probably use some help in sorting through his feelings and in learning new ways to communicate them. Why not suggest that he seek counseling, either with you or on his own? If he does not believe that counseling is the way forward, suggest that he look into innovative programs such as the Marriage Fitness Tele Boot Camp which can be explored at www.marriagemax.com. Let him know that you are willing to be his honest partner in building a marriage beyond your affair.
Create a Focused Plan
Your husband is undergoing an emotional crisis and has resorted to acting out his anger by calling you names and engaging in verbal abuse. He probably feels that he is no longer in control of his life, that nothing he can do or say will make the situation better. Supportively explain that many couples do work together to bring forgiveness and peace into their marriage after an affair.
Suggest some reading material that he might find useful, like that found at www.marriagesherpa.com. Once you have some concrete steps that you can both follow, things should get much easier.
No one deserves to be called names or verbally abused; don’t allow the fact that you had an affair lead you to believe that you somehow deserve this bad treatment: You don’t and must be firm in rejecting it.