I Hate My Cheating Spouse; How Resentment Will Eat You Alive

cheating spouse

Your spouse has had a sexual relationship with another human being – has been intimate with someone other than you.

Since learning about this cheating, you’ve been seething, stewing in what feels a lot like hate for the spouse you thought you loved.

You can barely keep your contempt to yourself; if you had a magic wand you would wave it and make your cheating spouse disappear. If this sounds at all like you, you need to change course pronto. Resentment will eat you alive.

Resenting Your Spouse Will Hurt You

Your spouse had an affair. If you actively and intensely resent your spouse for cheating, you will, according to The Mayo Clinic, put yourself at risk for depression, alcohol abuse, anxiety, hostility, unhealthy relationships and high blood pressure. We live one life on this planet and we should actively seek to make it a fulsome one filled with joy. Not only is holding a strong grudge bad for your health, it makes it unlikely that you will rebuild your marriage.

Be Open to Getting Help

If you hate your spouse for cheating, you will benefit from seeking help from a counselor or from signing up with a creative program like the Marriage Fitness Tele-Boot Camp. You do not have to begin counseling as a couple, in fact it is wise that you deal with your anger before taking any steps toward couple’s counseling or working on your marriage.

This Will be Hard

You probably feel that your anger is absolutely legitimate. That it is your cheating spouse that needs to change their ways and not you. A counselor can help you to accept that trying to punish a cheating spouse will likely not result in you and your spouse reuniting emotionally and sexually but in you becoming entrenched in your existing views of each other. Again, you do not have to go through this alone: Dr. Robert Huizenga has built a career from helping people getting over an affair, save their marriages and bring joy back into their lives.

Related:  How to Use Online Marriage Counseling to Fix Your Marriage After Infidelity

You Are Not a Victim

Finding our that your spouse has been having an extramarital affair can be absolutely heartbreaking. You might have accidentally come across an email from your spouse’s lover; an email that immediately reveals that your spouse knows another in a sexual and emotionally intimate way. Of course this hurts. But you do need to continue to live though; you need to get up out of bed in the morning and exercise and do the things that usually bring you joy. Then you need to think about where you want to be in 12 months or so.

You Are Stronger Than You Think You Are

Try not to let yourself be blinded by anger and thoughts of revenge. If you think about where you hope to be in about a year, you can take positive steps that will get you there. You probably do not want to be alone in a year, still acutely resentful of your once spouse and exhausting your friends and family with your inability to move on.

Let go of your resentment. Do it for you

Remember the resources offered in this article; you do not have to do it all by yourself: find some professional infidelity support that will work for you. If you’d like to save your marriage, you cannot do it by punishing your spouse for having an affair, though you can do it by forgiving and committing to working for change and a future.

49 thoughts on “I Hate My Cheating Spouse; How Resentment Will Eat You Alive

    • If u have an feeling or an i tuition he probably is cheating just hiding it well. The truth will ALWAYS reveal itself don’t stay blind. Past behavior determines future behaviour. I wish I could leave him but he broke me down to nothing for the last 5 years. Don’t be like me if u have chance run!

  1. it’s been 3 years and I still can’t believe what he did to me. He’s living with her. Don’t know whether they’re truly happy. I don’t think I can ever get over this, It’s ruined my life. I hate them for what they put me through. I think about it every day. him banging her etc. Etc. I hate them both. some days I think I want to end it all or run away somewhere. I don’t want him contacting his sons either. I want him erased for ever out of our lives. I wish I’d never met him. No man can be trusted. Period.

    • Hi I know exactly how you feel, Belive me I’m been Thorough this too. The true is that you have to forgive to be able to be free. Keep any resentment will do harm to yourself. Think about it the longer you let then go the longer will take to heal. Love yourself develope a way that you taking care of yourself do exercise go hiking, take a new make up class have a social life.which you the best God bless you.

  2. How can you forgive and move on in your marriage if your husband has been cheating with his ex-girlfriend for over a decade? The entire time we were together and refuses to stop seeing her? He wants us both! I’m so heartbroken I can’t move!

    • Hi, only you can decide if you want to stay in that situation and be disrespected. I encourage you to get help, talk to your spiritual advisor or find yourself a life coach. But whatever you do, please get some help to deal with the situation.

    • The thing is that he been very selfish, I don’t think he is in the position to choose. Is clear that he is in denial about the situation. Tough Love honey here is not a room for your lover and for you in the same time. He need to break with his lover to be able to move forward. If he not repent for his action you going to have to take plan B and let him know that you not going to be part of his scoundrel actions.

  3. Found out that my wife has been cheating on me after 14 years of marriage. She was everything to me. We have two kids together and I did everything in my power to support her through her studies and career. I have been the loving, supportive and best friend she can ever have( by her own statement),Now that she got a good headstart in a new high paying career, meeting new people in her techy world, she cheats on me. I have felt that she has been putting too much efforts into her looks more than ever before. Then the coming late at night habit started, the lies about her whereabouts and so forth Buying new sexy bras and panties that she didn’t even show to me. When I confronted her gently about my suspicions she burst at me claiming that she wants space from me and our two kids for a while. left the house for couple of nights and screamed at my kids when they were crying for her to stay. I was not understanding what’s going on, and why the sudden change, after just a month of a lovely card on my birthday stating how much she loves me and how grateful she is to have me in her life. I hired a private investigator to follow her just one afternoon and in a matter of 2 hours he got me a video of her hugging and kissing her lover. I had two choices, either let my anger take the best of me, or calm down and think about my two boys. So I texted her and told her that I knew and that I don’t want her ever to come home. Now we are signing the divorce paper this week.
    One thing I want to say to all men out there: Don’t let yourself be domesticated by your wife. Find your center in yourself and do not have too much faith in your marriage. There is no such thing as forever after. But, stay true to your nature and do not return a favor and cheat while keeping the marriage. Cut the cords. A cheater remains a cheater for life. It’s a cheater’s nature, not even God can change it.
    I hope this helps those cheated on. Its better to cut the cord and move on with much deserving person, than keeping a broken relationship that will always lack trust.
    David. K

    • David, I could have signed my own name to your comments. My wifes affair, and how I felt after it was over, mirrored your comments. With one exception, I did not leave, I took her back, which I have regretted everyday since. All grust for her is gone, and I will never trust her again.

      • It’s okay I regretted taking back too, I wished time could turn back where I chose to walk away. Should have known the struggle I would dump myself in

    • Your commentary reads EXACTLY like my life. Married 13 yrs. Losses wieght, looks better than ever. New job, cheats with boss while declaring love for me and going to counciling. Dad (me) stays home and watches kids, while she cheats with her new boss over and over again. I believe her lies cause I want to. Buys new sexy panties and bras secretly. Dad plays shoots and ladders with kids while she has sex in an old mans pickup truck. Lies, lies, lies. Tells me im losing it, and I’m controlling because I get suspicious.

      I finally go to a lawyer secretly. I file. She comes clean. Its disgusting. My young wife, who I met when we were young , and has been my best friend has been giving herself to a rich, disgusting man who is 22 years older than her.

      The truth is utterly devastating. The damage my mind took was beyond description. We lost our virginity to each other when we were young. I had never been with anyone else. The carnage was unreal. I cried everyday on the way home work. Looking for answers. It made no sense. We were a very close couple.

      That was this past year. We are still together. I couldn’t leave. My kids cried at the thought of the family breaking up. Ill stay at least till the kids are older. I focus more on being a great dad than ever before. The marriage gutted. We are more like room mates now. I don’t want to sleep with her any more. She looks great, but there is actually a lot of truth to the idea of beauty being skin deep. She picked other men to be intimate with, she left me behind. I feel like she belongs to another man now. I won’t cheat, never. Im better than that. I won’t pursue any relation ships either. Even if I get divorced. Im mostly over the devastation. I changed…a lot. Im not worried at all about being alone now. Part of me died. That’s okay. The idea of divorce does not scare me anymore. She knows ill do it if she wants. That scares her. We won’t be close ever again. Ill never trust her. I know that a cheater will always cheat. Its like a dog that has bitten someone, much more likely to happen again now. Life sucks.

      I had a very good decade of married life. It was as good as it could get. Im glad I had that. I loved going to Christmas parties and having my smart and pretty wife hang on my shoulder. I liked feeling proud of the person I picked. I liked laying in bed and laughing with her at my dumb older brothers. I likid driving the car and holding hands. I liked drinking and laughing with my wife sitting on the porch in the summer.

      That’s what hurt the most. She was willing to throw all that out. None of it mattered when it needed to.

      But, when it was good..it was really good.

    • Hi David. This has just happened to me after 15 years of marriage. Except it’s my husband that did the changing and when I approached him about it he made me feel like I was nagging. I want him to suffer so bad. My heart is broken and I don’t know if I could ever trust anyone again.
      It’s been a year since your discovery and divorce. How are you doing now? Because I feel like everything I ever knew has been taken away from me.

    • I can honestly say I loved my husband Our marriage wasn’t perfect but I didn’t want anyone else. He actually cheated on me emotionally and physically I will never be the same again. 10 years and 4 children! We are still together cause he’s trying to make amends but I don’t see a future with him anymore! I think it’s different actually hearing a guy discuss things from his side.

  4. I was married for 12 years and a stay at home mother of 5 children. My husband wanted to change careers to increase his earning potential and I encouraged him. He startes working away 2 weeks after our last baby was born. That qas 4 uears ago. The kids and I live in the east, he was working out west. I was basically a single parent, he barely came home. As an example he came home 11 days out of 365 one year. I now know why. He just told me he has been living with and having a relationship with his misstress for the last two years. That is not the worst part, they have a 16 month old son together. I had no idea. I believed everything he said. I defended him in public to people who would ask; “are you worried about him?” I now know why people were asking. He splashed his romance on his facebook page. I do not have facebook. I am too busy raising 5 children. I am simply in shock. I have the kids in therapy and I am trying to find someone for me as well. I feel for everyone of you who has had this happen. All I can say is take care.

    • Hi, Thanks for sharing and I am truly sorry for what happened to you. I know it’s hard but just try to focus on YOU and taking care of your kids.

    • That makes you a super woman. Some men are not what they seem. Give all the love you can to your 5 children. It may be hard to deal with because you’ll keep remembering all his lies. My advice is to move on with your life but most of all forgive him and let go of the hurt. It will eat you alive

    • I’m so sorry that happened to you! I too have 6 children 4 of which are my husbands he recently had N affair but realized he made a mistake I couldn’t even imagine what your going through!

  5. I found out my partner had been sexting other women in a dating website, do you reckon it’s cheating? I found out and he broke down and said I had been distant when he did it as we found out our daughter has an illness and I didn’t take it well and pushed him away. I’m tryin so hard to forgive him as this is so out of character for him, he says he loves me so much and wants me but I’m struggling so much. We have two children together.

  6. My spouse cheated on me and I don’t know how to deal. I am in counseling to try to help but more and more just keeps coming out. We found out that I am pregnant with twins just last week and conceived the day before I found out about the affair. We already have two children so now I feel like a trapped mouse with no option to leave him. I’m miserable in this life. My kids would be devastated if I left though! What do I do?

  7. My husband has been cheating on me with prostitutes in 5 years from 7 years of marriage in every summer I was taking my kids vacation he has addiction of everything I wish if he can disappear from my life but I have 2 boys from him.
    He abused me financially and emotionally and was a decent wife supporting him in all his fuck ups I am ashamed from my boys that they have a sick father and I can’t see him only a piece of shit I have been disrespected deceived and this is hurting to me so much

  8. My husband has been cheating on me with prostitutes in 5 years every summer I was taking my kids vacation he has addiction of everything I wish if he can disappear from my life but I have 2 boys from him.
    He abused me financially and emotionally and was a decent wife supporting him in all his fuck ups I am ashamed from my boys that they have a sick father and I can’t see him only a piece of shit I have been disrespected deceived and this is hurting to me so much

  9. A certified counselor not a life coach. My husband turned to a life coach for help in depression and the whore tried to come between us. Told him that life was all about him… Finally got him to see what was happening but right now i am dealing with so much resentment.

  10. My husband had an affair with a co-worker. He hid this very well and although we split – his choice- i had no idea until 6 months later when he wanted to come back home. Im hurt more by the fact that he feels he did nothing wrong. He also dated 2 other women while we were seperated. He totaly denies the affair n i dont beleive him. I cant forgive him for breaking my trust and we fight constantly over this woman. Its been 2 years and i still have hate and resentment toward him. I dont think i love him anymore. I no longer trust him at work and dont want to luve with him anymore. Im thinking about moving out after christmas while he is at work.

  11. Its so hard to trust him again after being told so many lies.The pain is just too much and i still dont understand why he would betray me like this

  12. “A counselor can help you to accept that trying to punish a cheating spouse will likely not result in you and your spouse reuniting emotionally and sexually but in you becoming entrenched in your existing views of each other. “ My so called ‘counselor’ proceeded to tell me that “if you were giving him what he needed he wouldn’t have looked elsewhere’ and she was a woman…seriously? Who gives these fuckheads a licence to advise others??

    • Hi, thanks for stopping by. As with any profession, there are competent and incompetent people. If one counselor isn’t right for you, you might want to look elsewhere.

  13. I am hurting so bad! After 28 years he cheated! I am 50 years old. Too old to start over and too young to be alone the rest of my life. I don’t want a divorce. I can’t imagine trying to split 28 years of our lives. If it is as a one night stand that meant nothing I could deal with it. But he has been with her for least 6 months. He would come home to me and lie to my face . We went to couple counseling and he lied through it. How do I save what is what is left of our marriage?

    • Hi Michelle, I can understand how you feel but 50 is not ‘old’ you still have good years ahead of you. You have to decide how you want them to be. The sad reality is that not every marriage can be saved. You can try your best to keep the marriage, but if he keeps lying to you, that shows that he is not sorry for what he has done to you. I would suggest seeing a counselor or coach on your own (without him) to help you figure things out.

  14. My husband admitted to having sex with eight different women throughout our 24 year marriage. i had absolutely no idea as it was all done through work. Lunch time and after work. I still cant believe it, as he was my best friend, we had the dream marriage and states he only did it for sex. They meant nothing to him it was just sex. Our 3 kids know what he has done, most of them he had sex with was only the once and very poor sex at that.(His Words) Nothing like sex in a marriage. I spoke to one of the “Ladies” concerned who advised she couldnt understand why he was doing it, as he wasnt in the house 5 minutes. No foreplay, kissing or touching. I hate what he has done, i see him as such a sneaky devious con man now. Found out 2 MONTHS AGO , i still love him i think, but i also hate him and want him to feel like i do.

    • My story is similar, my husband has been sleeping with the children’s mothers ( more than one) at the school he works at. Email shows they have sex there as well as meeting in different places. After 10 years of cheating, he fell in love with one. He said she was worth walking out on me and his family. He is raising her son now…and hasn’t spoke to his children in three months. I didn’t think I could hurt this bad, sometimes it looks like I will never get over the betrayal.

  15. Hi Kezza,

    I couldn’t help but respond to your message. Maybe your counselor was trying to make a different point than you’re seeing. I believe that when people cheat it IS because something is not being met in their life. That’s not the same as saying that the one being cheated on is the blame. Perhaps your counselor is simply trying to say that your partner is missing something that they want or need in their life. Whatever that is it doesn’t mean that you’re inadequate, it may mean that your partner’s wants or needs are something that no one can provide. If your partner needs constant attention from the opposite sex in order to validate himself, and you’re busy with work or family, that’s not saying you did anything wrong, it’s just saying that his needs, while unrealistic, are not being met. I agree that someone who cheats does it for a reason. Something they need or want is not getting met. That need may be totally unrealistic and selfish, but not getting met just the same. It’s best to identify what the need is that they’re missing, and if you can’t or won’t provide it (which you shouldn’t provide what they’re missing if it’s not healthy for you), then at least you know what the issue was and that you left for healthy reasons.

  16. It been 3 years my husband slept with a girl when he went for his Niece wedding back home . I found out all the pictures on his desktop on the recycling bin . I was heartbroken when I saw the intimate pictures with the another women . We got two kids I am planning to leave him while he has gone back home to be with that women again . I know he is with her in the hotel .

  17. I found out 2 months after getting married that my new husband had cheated on me at least twice with two different women in the weeks before we were married.

    We are not children. This is both of our second marriages and we are in our forties. He is old enough to know better and I am old enough to walk away and not look back. The drama of youth should be behind us. I did not walk away however. I have stayed for 3 years. He begged forgiveness, and I thought I had forgiven him – sometimes I think I have. But the truth is that it killed something and it won’t ever come back.

    Now I wonder if it is too late to leave. I think I should just go. I have deep resentment toward him. I am not good for either one of us – when the resentment eases, I realize the love is pretty much gone. The violation of trust too great.

  18. I need help and some advice:
    My husband of 29years been together 32 years, he is 49 and I am 46, met when I was 15 married at 17, we have three beautiful daughters 14,18, and 21. we had our ups and downs, as every married couple has, but nothing to tell me he was unhappy with the marriage, he used to be the best husband you could ask for, loving caring, just an amazing man, he became very mean and hurtful I truly believe he could be going through a midlife crisis, he has all the signs. He turned into someone I just don’t know, it’s actually like it is not even him
    Then he left saying he loved me but was not in love with me, that he never really loved me, after five days he returned home and told me he had an affair for five months and the affair was over, he promised when he came back, it was me he wanted and he couldn’t put the girls through that again, it was hell while he was gone, and that we will work on us, which we did, we started to reconnect, had good sex, going on dates, getting to know each other again, talking about our future together, travelling after the girls were married, I honestly thought we were going to get through this, it lasted two weeks, then he started to withdraw, which I now know is because she made contact with him. He has now moved out, in with her and her two kids, do you think he will ever come back home, I really really love him, how can he just throw away 29years of marriage, for someone he has only know for six months, can he really be in love, how can he be so very cold, and heartless, and very mean to me at times, please I need your advice and help, I really need and want him back, I know he will never be the same as he was I am hoping we will both be better, and grow old together

  19. I found out last week my husband if 39 years has had another woman for over 2 years! She called me to tell, she also told me about the money he’s been using with her (over $40k in 2017). He moved her into an apartment near our home. Also, he has 3 DUI’s (last one was 11 years ago). When he got the last DWI, I told him to decide to quit drinking or leave me. She has told me he’s been drinking and smoking pot while they were together. I kicked him out the day he called (4 days ago). Now, after meeting with an attorney, I found out he is entitled to 1/2 of everything. How usbthat possible! He was sneaking money. I am the main breadwinner, he works as self-employed and was using all of the money he made on the two of them (I paid all of our bills and entertain with my income). I feel naive and angry.

  20. My wife of 14yrs became distant this last Xmas, like others here she lost a lot of weight, make up every day and looks great. I asked if she was having and affair, denied it. Next few days u monitored her and checked her phone. She had been sending intimate pics to multiple men and phoning them while I was at work. To cut a long story short, we had grown apart as a couple and forgot to do the important things like just spend time together, go for a coffee, shopping together etc. So I was faced when a decision, either let her betrayal eat at me or do something about it, I changed my ways as a husband and spent more time doing these little things which really are the most important things! 5 months on from the betrayal and we are closer than we have been for a long time, we’re actually selling up and moving to a new location too so we can have a totally fresh start. I won’t lie, some days I do have negative thoughts but they are becoming less as time goes by. I know it’s hard when you get betrayed but you have to look at the reason it happened, it may not be what you want to hear but you may have to make some adjustments like I have. Not everyone deserves a second chance though, only you know if they do. I forgot to mention we go to counciling too and that helps massively. If she or he isn’t prepared to do whatever it takes to fix things then walk away. Whatever your going through just remember to eat and sleep, only you can take care of your body. Good luck

  21. My boyfriend cheated on me while I was six months pregnant with a co worker that knew we were together and expecting. He got her pregnant, he asked her to take a plan b and she claims she did but they just kept doing it. He asked her to get an abortion but she said no. Then she let everyone know 2 days before our baby shower when she was only a month pregnant. I decided to stay with him aside from him threatening to take his life and work through it. Then I found things about him thinking of his x and flirting with other girls. After the other kid was born I kicked him out, it was too much for me. He came back and I took him back and he’s been really good since but he won’t admit he cheated as though he doesn’t remember when I have the facts. We have to deal with this woman who kept his son from him basically four months because he got back with me and is still with me. We are currently filing for half custody but it’s just so hard. We’ve already come so far but I’m having trouble letting go of everything. The girl continues to try to get between us in various ways and it drives me nuts. I do t know that I’m doing the right thing but I know I haven’t forgiven him. I’m hurt and devastated. I want our daughter to have her parents because she gets so happy when we’re together but this whole ordeal just hurts so bad. I feel like a loser and idk the way out.

  22. 6 1/2 years later I’m still pissed and angry. Wife and I had five kids together and she goes out and screws a preacher 20 years older (she 35 and he’s 55). Screwed him in my office. The place where I ran my business. No protection, fancy new bras and underwear, and driving my car to go bang him. I’m finally leaving. I’m so full of rage I told her to go off in a corner somewhere and freaking DIE today. With that, I realize it’s time to go. I can’t stand the sight of this woman. I get physically sick. She thinks she’s owed a chance to make things right and gets angry because I won’t give her a chance. Who the fuck do you think u are??? Who the hell hit u on the head!!! I’ve destroyed my biz from being angry and depressed all these years and now I’m trying to rebuild. I gotta get this woman out of my life so I can move on. She refuses to accept the fact I don’t trust her and refuses to accept I can’t stand her. Uggghhhh!!!

    • Hi, so sorry your wife betrayed you and you have a right to be angry and feel what you are feeling. Sometimes marriages and relationships don’t always work out, but only you can make that decision of whether to give her another chance. I would strongly suggest speaking with an infidelity coach or a spiritual advisor to help you deal with your anger and depression.

  23. I found out, by accident, that my husband of 22 years, who was also my best friend, was having an emotional (probably sexual as well which he will forever deny) affair with a co-worker 21 years his junior. Five days later my mum died very suddenly, it was a living nightmare!

    He initially denied everything, only admitting things when presented with evidence. I became a superb investigator.

    What hurts me the most was how he dealt with it after he was found out. How he warned the affair partner of what I may do, or took steps so they could stay in touch. When I needed him the most in all our time together he pretended to be there for me but was still lying.

    Long story short I thought all contact had been stopped, it hadn’t and I found out. I found out a lot more then, like he had a threesome with the affair partner and her friend, he slept with the friend, why? Because the affair partner wanted to watch!! Even after this revelation he swears he never had any sexual contact with the affair partner, but did sleep in the same bed several times whilst away on business!

    My advice to anyone out here is don’t think you are going to get the truth straightaway, they will go into self preservation mode and will do or say anything to save their own skin.

    This happened 4 years ago. We are still together but I will never look at him in the same way I did, he broke my trust and I honestly don’t know whether you ever get over that?

    My dilemma, I have two lovely well rounded great boys and I don’t want to rock their world. To be honest I also have a lovely life. I Really don’t know whether I should leave things as they are or ask him to leave?

  24. I dont know the person i married.We work the same place,he cheated with one of our colligue for over a year.Everyone knew except for me.In that period,he treated me like trash at some point i asked why he married me.Be made me a laughing stock…he made me feel less of a woman,he made the world judge our marriage.He gave people platform to disrespect me.He exposed me to a situation i can never put him through,despite the hatred i have for me.I dont trust everything about him.If he cheated on me for a year right infront of me,what more is be capable of.

  25. I have resented my husband since before we were married! He cheated on me multiple times, but main girl was a bartender he worked with…at hottie gym rat who fed his ego. He never introduces me to friends…I’m too ugly for him to be seen with I guess…or that is how he makes me feel. He asked me to marry him after our daughter was over a year old. Just the other day he admitted to me that he only asked me for our daughters sake. Now we have twins. I feel stuck full of hate and want out but how? We even own a business together!

  26. Need some advice. My good friends husband got caught when they first got married cheating with a younger woman. She forgave him. But, he has a terrible habit of lying, causing issues, drinking, bothering women at his office place, acting 25 at damn near 55. We’ll long story short he was caught texting other women, bothering a single gal at work and tried his hardest to bust up a couple marriages. He thinks my friend is a good companion, but takes advantage of her. He has a high position in the company and thinks he can do whatever whenever. Should she just turn other cheek or get the heck out? He claims it’s all harmless fun. Any advice?

  27. My wife cheated at the 4 1/2 year mark. It’s about year 6 and I wish she had fell off a bridge. I do not love her or see my life with her as I used to.

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