I Hate My Cheating Spouse; How Resentment Will Eat You Alive

cheating spouse

Your spouse has had a sexual relationship with another human being – has been intimate with someone other than you.

Since learning about this cheating, you’ve been seething, stewing in what feels a lot like hate for the spouse you thought you loved.

You can barely keep your contempt to yourself; if you had a magic wand you would wave it and make your cheating spouse disappear. If this sounds at all like you, you need to change course pronto. Resentment will eat you alive.

Resenting Your Spouse Will Hurt You

Your spouse had an affair. If you actively and intensely resent your spouse for cheating, you will, according to The Mayo Clinic, put yourself at risk for depression, alcohol abuse, anxiety, hostility, unhealthy relationships and high blood pressure. We live one life on this planet and we should actively seek to make it a fulsome one filled with joy. Not only is holding a strong grudge bad for your health, it makes it unlikely that you will rebuild your marriage.

Be Open to Getting Help

If you hate your spouse for cheating, you will benefit from seeking help from a counselor or from signing up with a creative program like the Marriage Fitness Tele-Boot Camp. You do not have to begin counseling as a couple, in fact it is wise that you deal with your anger before taking any steps toward couple’s counseling or working on your marriage.

This Will be Hard

You probably feel that your anger is absolutely legitimate. That it is your cheating spouse that needs to change their ways and not you. A counselor can help you to accept that trying to punish a cheating spouse will likely not result in you and your spouse reuniting emotionally and sexually but in you becoming entrenched in your existing views of each other. Again, you do not have to go through this alone: Dr. Robert Huizenga has built a career from helping people getting over an affair, save their marriages and bring joy back into their lives.

Related:  When a Spouse Cheats What to Tell the Kids

You Are Not a Victim

Finding our that your spouse has been having an extramarital affair can be absolutely heartbreaking. You might have accidentally come across an email from your spouse’s lover; an email that immediately reveals that your spouse knows another in a sexual and emotionally intimate way. Of course this hurts. But you do need to continue to live though; you need to get up out of bed in the morning and exercise and do the things that usually bring you joy. Then you need to think about where you want to be in 12 months or so.

You Are Stronger Than You Think You Are

Try not to let yourself be blinded by anger and thoughts of revenge. If you think about where you hope to be in about a year, you can take positive steps that will get you there. You probably do not want to be alone in a year, still acutely resentful of your once spouse and exhausting your friends and family with your inability to move on.

Let go of your resentment. Do it for you

Remember the resources offered in this article; you do not have to do it all by yourself: find some professional infidelity support that will work for you. If you’d like to save your marriage, you cannot do it by punishing your spouse for having an affair, though you can do it by forgiving and committing to working for change and a future.

12 thoughts on “I Hate My Cheating Spouse; How Resentment Will Eat You Alive

    • If u have an feeling or an i tuition he probably is cheating just hiding it well. The truth will ALWAYS reveal itself don’t stay blind. Past behavior determines future behaviour. I wish I could leave him but he broke me down to nothing for the last 5 years. Don’t be like me if u have chance run!

  1. it’s been 3 years and I still can’t believe what he did to me. He’s living with her. Don’t know whether they’re truly happy. I don’t think I can ever get over this, It’s ruined my life. I hate them for what they put me through. I think about it every day. him banging her etc. Etc. I hate them both. some days I think I want to end it all or run away somewhere. I don’t want him contacting his sons either. I want him erased for ever out of our lives. I wish I’d never met him. No man can be trusted. Period.

    • Hi I know exactly how you feel, Belive me I’m been Thorough this too. The true is that you have to forgive to be able to be free. Keep any resentment will do harm to yourself. Think about it the longer you let then go the longer will take to heal. Love yourself develope a way that you taking care of yourself do exercise go hiking, take a new make up class have a social life.which you the best God bless you.

  2. How can you forgive and move on in your marriage if your husband has been cheating with his ex-girlfriend for over a decade? The entire time we were together and refuses to stop seeing her? He wants us both! I’m so heartbroken I can’t move!

    • Hi, only you can decide if you want to stay in that situation and be disrespected. I encourage you to get help, talk to your spiritual advisor or find yourself a life coach. But whatever you do, please get some help to deal with the situation.

    • The thing is that he been very selfish, I don’t think he is in the position to choose. Is clear that he is in denial about the situation. Tough Love honey here is not a room for your lover and for you in the same time. He need to break with his lover to be able to move forward. If he not repent for his action you going to have to take plan B and let him know that you not going to be part of his scoundrel actions.

  3. Found out that my wife has been cheating on me after 14 years of marriage. She was everything to me. We have two kids together and I did everything in my power to support her through her studies and career. I have been the loving, supportive and best friend she can ever have( by her own statement),Now that she got a good headstart in a new high paying career, meeting new people in her techy world, she cheats on me. I have felt that she has been putting too much efforts into her looks more than ever before. Then the coming late at night habit started, the lies about her whereabouts and so forth Buying new sexy bras and panties that she didn’t even show to me. When I confronted her gently about my suspicions she burst at me claiming that she wants space from me and our two kids for a while. left the house for couple of nights and screamed at my kids when they were crying for her to stay. I was not understanding what’s going on, and why the sudden change, after just a month of a lovely card on my birthday stating how much she loves me and how grateful she is to have me in her life. I hired a private investigator to follow her just one afternoon and in a matter of 2 hours he got me a video of her hugging and kissing her lover. I had two choices, either let my anger take the best of me, or calm down and think about my two boys. So I texted her and told her that I knew and that I don’t want her ever to come home. Now we are signing the divorce paper this week.
    One thing I want to say to all men out there: Don’t let yourself be domesticated by your wife. Find your center in yourself and do not have too much faith in your marriage. There is no such thing as forever after. But, stay true to your nature and do not return a favor and cheat while keeping the marriage. Cut the cords. A cheater remains a cheater for life. It’s a cheater’s nature, not even God can change it.
    I hope this helps those cheated on. Its better to cut the cord and move on with much deserving person, than keeping a broken relationship that will always lack trust.
    David. K

  4. I was married for 12 years and a stay at home mother of 5 children. My husband wanted to change careers to increase his earning potential and I encouraged him. He startes working away 2 weeks after our last baby was born. That qas 4 uears ago. The kids and I live in the east, he was working out west. I was basically a single parent, he barely came home. As an example he came home 11 days out of 365 one year. I now know why. He just told me he has been living with and having a relationship with his misstress for the last two years. That is not the worst part, they have a 16 month old son together. I had no idea. I believed everything he said. I defended him in public to people who would ask; “are you worried about him?” I now know why people were asking. He splashed his romance on his facebook page. I do not have facebook. I am too busy raising 5 children. I am simply in shock. I have the kids in therapy and I am trying to find someone for me as well. I feel for everyone of you who has had this happen. All I can say is take care.

    • Hi, Thanks for sharing and I am truly sorry for what happened to you. I know it’s hard but just try to focus on YOU and taking care of your kids.

  5. I found out my partner had been sexting other women in a dating website, do you reckon it’s cheating? I found out and he broke down and said I had been distant when he did it as we found out our daughter has an illness and I didn’t take it well and pushed him away. I’m tryin so hard to forgive him as this is so out of character for him, he says he loves me so much and wants me but I’m struggling so much. We have two children together.

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