How to Deal With Your Husband’s Emotional Affair

 

husband's emotional affair

Just because your spouse didn’t have sex with someone doesn’t mean their affair isn’t just as painful.

There are many kinds of affairs, and in some ways an emotional affair can be even worse than a sexual dalliance.

Because the emotions that you share with someone you love are often even more important than the physical connection that people having “just” sex experience.

Don’t let anyone tell you that your husband’s emotional affair isn’t just as painful and hard to deal with as someone’s physical affair.

The point is your spouse still shared things with someone else that was supposed to be reserved only for the special relationship between a husband and a wife. While it’s true that your spouse has not done anything sexual with the person and has at least saved you the worry of contracting diseases, it doesn’t take away the pain when you find out.

Dealing with an emotional affair can be really difficult, but there are some steps that you can take to help yourself deal with it.

The violation of trust that you’ve experienced is deep and profound. For some people overcoming an emotional affair is far harder than overcoming one that is only sexual. You’re going to have a higher hill to climb than someone whose husband had sex with hookers, for instance.

Both types of affairs are violations of trust, but one cuts deeper. You may find yourself imagining the things your spouse talked to about with the other person, and maybe even believe they discussed you and your spouse’s relationship.

This may feel especially difficult to deal with because you want to be the person your spouse discusses their deep feelings and life plans with, not someone else.

 

Linda survived her husband’s Doug emotional affair and together they’ve put together an amazing guide that will put you on the path to healing and rebuilding trust.

 

Read below to learn some effective ways of dealing with your husband’s emotional affair.  

  Decide If the Marriage Can be Saved – The only way to determine this is with the help of your spouse. If they want to work on the marriage, then it is possible that the marriage can be saved, but it will take two people to do the work, not just one. Therefore, ensure that you are both on the same page so that you can save the marriage.

   Determine What Went Wrong – People do not have emotional affairs without a deep wound being in the marriage to start with. It doesn’t mean that it’s an excuse for your spouse to have done it.

No. They should have come to you and talked to you first about their concerns, and not sought out the comfort of someone else. But, it is important to figure out what went wrong so that you can move forward.

   Try to Share Interests – If you did not have shared interests before the emotional affair it’s imperative that you two find something that you can share now. Many times emotional affairs begin due to a lack of shared interests and doing things together.

Married couples can get into a bad habit of living two separate lives. While doing activities without each other is perfectly fine, making a habit of doing things apart all the time can be dangerous for any marriage.

   Be Yourself – It’s important that once you find out about your spouse’s emotional affair that you don’t change who you are. You are perfectly good and worth a good marriage just how you are. However, it’s important to discover who you are with your spouse too. If you try too hard to be someone you’re not, it will never last and even if it did, you would not be happy.

   Demand Openness – Do not allow your husband to continue his emotional affair. It’s important to ensure that your spouse realizes that he cannot continue the affair, emotional or otherwise, and still stay married. Ask your spouse to be open with you and start sharing things with you instead if he wants the marriage to last.

   Admit Your Own Faults – While it’s not your fault that your spouse chose to deal with his problems by having an emotional affair; it is still important for you to identify the things about you that allowed this to happen in your marriage.

Are you emotionally distant? Are you judgmental? While not always true, sometimes you can identify things that you can improve to make it less likely that your spouse will have an emotional affair.

   Do Not Contact Her – It’s important that your spouse end the relationship, but you should not contact the person. It’s not going to make you feel any better. The important thing is that your spouse does not have contact with that person again, separate all ties, and move on.

It’s not important for you to let that person know your man is taken or anything. This is not about them, it’s about you and your spouse, and remember, she could be anyone.

   Get Professional Help – Most marriages cannot survive without professional help and guidance to get through this type of situation. Ensure that you find a counselor, group, life coach or other help that has experience dealing with the problems specific to emotional affairs to get the best help that you can to give your marriage the best chance to survive.

 

Learn from someone who lived through the emotional affair nightmare and came out the other side with a better stronger marriage.

 

You and your spouse can get through this situation and get over his emotional affair. But, you both have to be on board with ensuring that you work through any problems you had before the affair started, and work hard to avoid having a gulf between you again that can leave your marriage open to emotional affairs. An emotional affair doesn’t have to mean that your marriage is over.

You can work together to close the ranks of your marriage to make your marriage impenetrable to this ever happening again if you do what needs to be done. In fact, if you both want it bad enough your marriage can become even more solid now that the holes that need filled have been identified.

Click here to see how you can find the strength to rebuild your relationship after your husband’s emotional affair and take the first steps towards the one thing you thought you’d never feel again…TRUST

71 thoughts on “How to Deal With Your Husband’s Emotional Affair

  1. Wish I had known all this 6 years ago! Even though I insisted the relationship be terminated, I lived onthe midst of this nightmare for almost a year and a half before we separated. Six months later, the affair was over, an 7 months after that we moved back in together. He’s been involved in at least twoother relationships since moving backin. Needless to say, our marriage has not been restored. This has not been the best past few years for me.

    • Hi thanks for stopping by. I’m so sorry that things are not working out for you. It’s time for you to start taking care of you. So I suggest finding a life coach or infidelity coach to help you put things in perspective and make a decision – one way or the other – about your husband and your marriage. Even though they can’t tell you whether to stay or go, they can empower you to move from a place of fear to making the best choice for you and your marriage. There’s help out there for you, so please don’t suffer in silence. All the best.. Mellie

  2. I found out eight months ago that my husband carried on a two month emotional affair with a co-worker. It got a little physical but he insists it never got sexual. I have never experienced something so heartbreaking in my life. Here we are eight months later and I am still feeling deeply hurt and although I have said that I forgive him most days I feel like I haven’t. I’m sure he’s not up to anything however I can’t trust him, I’m not sure if I will ever trust him again. I feel like we should just go our separate ways, but we have a two year old. I don’t know what to do.

    • Hi and thanks for stopping by. Don’t feel bad for feeling the way you feel. It’s not easy to rebuild trust once it has been breached. There is no set timetable for recovering from a spouse’s affair. You have to feel what you are feeling. Yes I know it is heartbreaking to be betrayed, but if your husband is willing to repair the marriage, then that’s a step in the right direction. Don’t make any rash decisions and please get some help. Check out the resources pages on this site. You can find plenty of help there.

      To hope and healing,

      Mellie

      • I feel lost and deeply hurt as I had to watch my husband pursue the neighbor girl who is 1/2 my age. He never seemed to have time for me. However he found time to spend with her on a daily basis for months. Yes, EVERYDAY. She came over to my house EVERYDAY and ONLY at times I wasn’t home. If I was gone 5 min. to mail a letter, upon my return, she would be at my house. If I was gone 20min to run an errand to the bank, upon my return she would be at my house, if I was gone 2 hours with the kids grocery shopping, I would come home to her inside my house alone with my husband behind closed doors with a guilty look on her face, then she would go home. I would go to work and come home to them drunk. I trusted both of them and didn’t say anything although I found it to be inappropriate and disrespectful. My daughter who is the same age as her would ask me why her dad was spending every day with her and drinking with her. She found it inappropriate also. She would come home at times to find them alone and she would get up off the couch real fast like her pants were on fire and run out of my house. So, something wasn’t right. Then the disrespect increased. He would come in the house after spending time with her and tell me that he was really horny. Gee, I wonder why, maybe because you were gawking at her big boobs with her low cut shirt. She would come over with enough make up on like she was going to prom wearing daisy dukes and sitting real close to my husband. He would invite her to dinner without asking me, he would excitedly exclaim everyday for weeks how this was the summer he was going places and she was coming with. Not a family outing and inviting the nice neighbor, a him and her outing. I was sure he was just trying to get a rise out of me and I am not a jealous person, so I just ignored it. When he saw he couldn’t get a rise out of me, he kept taking it further and further to the next level.
        One day I had enough. I came home from work to them drunk once again. He asked her to go to the Nitrous Circus with him next weekend and looked at me and rudely said, “and “WE”need you to come to drive “us” and watch the kids.” Of course I said no with an invitation like that, and then she said that that was okay she would drive my car, I told her no she wouldn’t and it kept going back and forth until I dropped it as I found this immature. Then we watched her husband drive off to work. We came into my house and she announced she was going to go home and get a bottle of rum. My husband was 2 feet away from me and turned his back on me and whispered in her ear, he shut the door in my face and off they went to her house and she dumped her 1yr old with me. I was left feeling like a chump watching her kid as she took my husband home to do who knows what. I was left to guess why he whispered in her ear, what he whispered in her ear, why he didn’t want me to hear or what he didn’t want me to know and what they were doing over there. Not a word was said to me before the door was slammed in my face.
        I demanded he stop seeing her and he has, but I can’t get over the blatant disrespect and disregard for me. Why would he treat me this way? Why did he make her a priority over me and our marriage. He revealed to me his poor character. You can change your attitude and behavior but not your character. We’ve discussed divorce, but he wants to stay. His actions caused me to fall completely out of love with him. Now it is back to the same old routine of him coming home from work, eating watching tv and going to bed. No time for me. He says he is too tired. But he wasn’t too tired to spend everyday with the neighbor girl for months. He wasn’t working any less then. What do I do? I feel so unloved. I can’t get his behavior and actions and words out of my head. I can’t get over it. Especially when no real change for the better is occuring. He is waiting for time to heal my wounds. But all that is happening is my wounds are festering. My heart feels heavy. He thinks he did nothing wrong because there was no sex involved. I told him I would rather he had a one-night stand than to show me disrespect on a daily basis for months. At least with a one-night stand it is behind your back showing that you at least care a little about your wife’s feelings.

    • Hi Liz,

      I just would like to replay on your coment. I have been with my husband 13 years, married 12. I found out that he did have emotional affair with a woman he met trough his work. It was only about month and half- 2 months top. This woman is 37 years old,on her second marrige. She is very coniving and tramp. I was devostating, I descover naked pictures of her on my husbands big IPhone 6. My husband never done this before. We do have 2 little kids. He finally told her off 6 weeks ago, and She isn’t bother him since. She is also separated from her husband again,(I saw this on hef FB). I also don’t trust my husband after this. I am still scared that she will try to came back again. Don’t let your guard down,stay atrong and positive. I did everything to try to save my marrige,things are a lot of better now, but I am still scared. I hope everything will work out for us.
      Best of luck.

    • Liz, i was in the same boat 7 months ago. Its true that this can be very devastating mentally for women to move on with a glitch in the head. And once broken , force can glue a broken glass. Trust I mean. It gets more Complicated when we have kids. I have two myself. It’s tough to go separate ways provided the impact it can cause the lil love bundles of our life. Every now and then the hurtful days replay in my head causing more stress. The fact remains that we tend to think and question the man’s love by comparing ourselves to the other woman in the sense, why isn’t the husband showing so much efforts to appreciate and shower affection at us like how they cared for the other bitch. I guess for the sake of our children as moms we can be responsible to give them a chance to have their father. But not worth a characterless father. So if your husband makes efforts to rework on the marriage and stop contacting the bitch consciously then surely the marriage is worth keeping.
      Also, without getting emotional, being rational and diplomatic makes it easy for guys to open up or else they’ll lie more and more. Tell him how you feel and tell him that you will not tolerate to be in such situation ever. Do things together like before all this happened. Relive the happy cheerful life you had. Remind him that if both of you work on it, you’ll live peacefully like last time. Hope this helps. Good luck.

  3. I just recently found out that my husband has been having an emotional afair. I knew that something was wrong and has been for a couple of months. We have both not been on the same page with each other for a few years. We were just trying to make it through the day with our lives and family. We have ben together for 20 years and have 2 children and just lost what our connection. He came home on night and i confronted him on the phone number that was on our phone bill. He ended up telling me that he met a woman at work and they had this wonderful connection and that they were in love. It devistated me beyond belief. We spent all night talking crying but he was convinced that he was leaving me. Thenbthe next day he come and said he was sorry that he loves me and he ended it with this girl. And of course over the next few days i hated hin going to work and i didnt trust that he was truly done. By day 3 this woman call me and told me that they were still talking and spent the day before together. And he didnt deny it. But he told her right there it was over and to leave him and his family alone. I completely lost it and i know i should leave him but i dont want to give up our marriage. It has really only been a few days and i am going crazy and checking his phone records. I hate the person that this has turned me into. And i always ask myself how can i ever trust him and is he really done. We have been talking non stop about why this happened and what went wrong our marriage. We will be starting up marriage counseling next week and he swears he is done that he really loves me and wants our family. I dont want to be that nagging wife all the time but i am having a hard time with this. What can i do to teybto ease my mind.

    • I’m so sorry that you are having such a hard time. It’s not an easy thing to live with, but the two of you have a history and a lot of years together. So please don’t give up! Getting over infidelity is not a sprint, it’s a marathon. It will take a lot of time and soul searching to get to a better place. Don’t expect things to change overnight. Doing so is only going to open you up to disappointment. But most of all, don’t give in to hopelessness. If both of you want it, then fight for it.

      Big Hug,

      Mellie

  4. Hi, my husband has had an emotional affair with a teenage girl. NO, he has not done anything sexual with her, but just to clarify, we were going to take this young girl in when she was 12, because her family life was and still is bad, and she was friends with our daughter. Unfortunately she was actually quite violent to my daughter and young son at the time. We would send her back home each time she acted out. (On a side note, at 12, she looked like a full blown woman). One day, my husband asked her if she could be anyone in the world, who would she be? She said my daughter’s name. When he told me that, I instantly was reminded of the single white female movie. This kid was trying to take over my daughter’s life. She liked me at first, but found out she couldn’t manipulate me like she could my husband, so she started to be mean to me and call me names. I finally tried to put a stop to it by stating that she wasn’t allowed at our home. My daughter and husband kept visiting with her a secret, and finally it all left up to going to counseling. My husband promised to start away 5 times. Each time he would say he needed someone to talk to and I told him he couldn’t be friends with a teenage, finally the 4th time he promised again he wouldn’t have contact with her. (She would call him and ask for his help in many things and then she would need verbal if he didn’t do it, he just didn’t get that she was just using him). I just found out 1 1/2 Weeks ago that he was still in contact with her from my daughter who was friends with ( same daughter) her that he was still in contact. My daughter is really upset with her dad now because apparently without my knowledge told her dad that if he talked or saw her again, she would never speak to him again. I threatened to leave again and am still on the fence with that. But my daughter feels like he abandoned her for this other kid, but he says he was just trying to help someone. Or feelings are how can you help someone who just can’t out won’t be helped and your whole family isn’t involved? I know this is an emotional affair, how do we get past this?

    • Hi and thanks for stopping by. It seems like your husband is threading on thin ice since this is a minor he is dealing with. It’s very commendable of your family to help this young lady but you and your kids should be the first priority for you husband. Is there a spiritual advisor or someone whom he respects that you can ask to speak with your husband?

  5. I am trying to figure out how to deal with my husbands emotional affairs of sorts. We have been married for 33 years. Most aspects of my marriage have been the best but then there seems to come these times that I have find ways to stay married after having lost trust. He always looks and checks out women and the way he does it in my presence is cause for concern. We are working on repairing us once again. This time the neighbor came out to sunbath while we were out working in the yard. He could not get over to see her fast enough, and stood there staring at her for several minutes. He even stared back at her in the car mirror afterward when we past her while she was walking past. Now this happened 2 years ago but still kinda of hurts. This seems like an emotional affair to me with women in general when it comes to how often this has happened in varying degrees. I had found ways before to not let this get in the way of staying married. He finally got a clue after I had a bit of a meltdown last year. I suggested a separation so he could decided if he wanted to be single. He said he did not want that. I just feel that over time I have fallen out of love because of this. We will probably make it the distance but some things are not the same. I am regaining my self worth and hope I will not have to or let myself feel so bad ever again.

    • Hi, I appreciate you stopping by and leaving a comment. Yes, an emotional affair can be just as or even more devastating than a physical affair. It seems like you have a good marriage but it needs a little TLC. The two of you might try counseling even though that does not work most of the time. Here’s an interview I did with Dr. Lee Baucom that might give you some direction. He has an excellent program to help couples get through the rough spots in there marriage. Do check it out after you have read the interview.

      Here’s that link: http://infidelityhealing.com/save-marriage-system-lee-baucom-interview/

      XO,

      Mellie

  6. Hi. I have been married almost 13 years. I have been with my husband for 18 years total. He has currently found and developed a “friendship” with a woman who he works with and now attends church with us. He insists that it is just a friendship, however they do exchange text messages and phone calls. This woman is married as well…from what I can tell there are problems in their marriage. MY husband opened up to me that he does find a friend in her because he can open up and talk to her and can not talk to me. He says that I become jealous and he has to sensor his conversations with me because of my insecurities. He said he does not want to hurt me and get me upset. I feel confident in saying the relationship is not physical or sexual- however, I do feel threatened because she is fullfilling a need I am not providing to my husband- which is a very dangerous situation to lead to something further. I am trying to rein in my emotions and be open and present when he talks to me. I am trying to appear “fine” with the friendship so I don’t push him further from me and closer to her. But I am loosing my mind. I can approach him on this subject without a severe argument and no resolution.

    • Trust me he only sensors messages because he has too. And by that I mean it is no longer friendship. My husband was doing and saying the same thing before I finally found his deleted emails and had to face reality. He was having an affair. It had been going on for four months. The devestation it causes is beyond painful. Demand he stop now and come clean. Blaming you for him having to hide the messages is a sure sign it has already gone too far!!!!

    • Thank you for your response! I am going through exactly the same thing right now and I feel like I am losing my mind. She started off as my friend, but now they are way closer to each other than I am to either of them. They also work together, which certainly doesn’t help. I said I made peace with it…and by peace I mean that I am so not okay with it, but I am trusting in God to pick up the pieces on that fateful day when I am finally right about something in this marriage for a change. I don’t feel like I can offer an ultimatum because I am sure I would be the loser in that scenario. We’ve created a very nice life together aside from this flipping nightmare. We’ve been together for about 25 years. I am trying to consider this a business partnership and trying to carry on with the rest of my life but it is often very difficult. I’m curious to know where your situation is today. I really don’t want a divorce. But I am starting to lose hope and my health is beginning to suffer for it

  7. Hello, i’m the male and the one who violated our trust. In 7 years, i have sent an innapropiate email or msg to about 7 women. My partner just recently learned about my last one from a few months ago. I don’t get physically involved and the conversations are usually about something else until i cross the line and asked something stupid like, what are you wearing… my partner wants to end the relationship and said she will never trust me again. We have been thru a lot but in the last few months there has been a lack of intimacy, sex, and communication. I know sorry doesn’t cut it. I know I was wrong and don’t know why i do this. I never meet these women but it’s usually someone we both know. 😐 Don’t know what to do… should i just walk away and not keep extending her hurt or should i keep fighting for the woman i love with all my heart?

    Thanks.

    • Hi, thanks for stopping by. Yes saying “I’m sorry” over and over is just not going to cut it with her. You need to show by your actions that you are truly remorseful about what you’ve done. My suggestion is to find a coach/counselor right away to help you explore why you’re doing what you’re doing.

      All the best.

  8. My husband had an emotional affair with his sister in law. I’m asking for ansolutely no contact with her for any reason and he has said that’s not possible she is my brother’s wife. I said he should have thought about that before he allowed it to happen. Am I being unreasonable to expect no contact with her?

    • That’s rough because the affair partner is an immediate family member, but if your husband wants to save your marriage, he will have to make some tough choices. His loyalty is to you first and foremost. On the other hand, since it is his brother’s wife, it might be hard to avoid all contact with her since he is bound to run into her at family gatherings etc. And yes he should have considered the consequences before becoming involved with her, but the deed is done. The two of you need to set boundaries for your relationship and find ways to limit his contact with her.

      All the best.

  9. Been married for almost 15yrs now, found out my husband is having an emotional affair for almost 3 yrs with the same woman on and off. Been trying to talk to him about it and he said that they are just friends but i feel so hurt when she told me things my husband told her about me and us. but in order not to get crazy, I’ve been trying to understand what he did and win him back from this woman. I love him and I want to save our marriage for our 4 children. I told him to stop communicating with her but I think they still have contact because my husband works at her hometown and only comes home 1 week per month. How can I tell my husband to stop his stupidity before everything falls apart?

    • Your husband is in denial, so the first order of business is for him to acknowledge that he is emotionally involved with her. However, you can’t make him do anything if he does not want to. Is there a close family member or spiritual leader who can talk to him and help him see the error of his ways? If not, I suggest you get some type of help immediately before the relationship escalates into a physical affair.

      Rooting for you.

  10. My husband of twenty years had two “emotional” affairs that spanned over the past 8 years. The first was about eight years ago…his ex wife (they were married one year) contacted him. Basically it started out as hi how is life going then it went into sexual talk and she sent pictures etc…this went on for about six months. After that he and she did not message each other for over a year almost two. When they did reconnect again through email it was strictly “friend” based. They talked about their life’s and what they were doing. She knew everything about me and my kids and what we as a family had been doing. I confirmed this because we spoke via email. I asked her a boatload of questions which she was extremely honest. All was confirmed by husband (although my trust has been broken with him that is why I needed to verify). She said both she and he had expressed regret of the sex talk and pictures. She said she knew he was very much in love with me and our family and they never talked about getting together to meet up in person. All communication was done through email and texts.
    Next “emotional” affair began three years ago….an ex sex partner (not girlfriend) from his youth had gotten his cell number from his father. I believe the reason he gave it to her was their had been a death of a mutual friend she wanted to tell him about. My husband denies having any emotional connection with her at all but they remained in contact for three entire years. They texted totally sexually context…she sent numerous pictures and the texts between the two were extremely raunchy. I found out about these texts and pictures because I had been out with a friend for a couple of hours and came home and he was asleep (passed out) upstairs in bed. His phone was on his chest and when I picked it up to move it …it popped open and all I saw was a pair of disgusting breaths. Then I read the transcript of the texts and was immediately sickened to my stomach. He was too drunk and out of it to confront much that evening but we began our talks the next day.

    Background info my husband and I love each other very much. As a person my husband is an amazing man and honestly through our marriage he has always treated me like a princess. Of course no marriage is perfect but we had the type that made people always come up to me and say your so lucky ….it is so obvious how much your husband loves you (when I think of that now I want to get sick). I thought this as well…he always seemed so devoted to me he said that had never changed throughout all of this. There was only one huge thing that was driving a wedge between us and that was his drinking. He has always drank but it had become increasingly more over the past three -five years. When at counseling he admitted it had been getting increasingly worse he was drinking on average of 12 beers an evening. I felt horrible that I had been so oblivious to this. How could I have not know what was going on? He said he and this ex of sorts would text only when he had been drinking heavily. If he were to average it out he and she sexually texted about two times a week for the last three years. He never did it with me present, not when we where out or on vacations but only when he was drunk in our basement. I also verified with her the details which was truly difficult to do but she seemed honest enough about the answers she gave me and I verified with my husband. (I think she was so civil be I was not angry in my texts I just asked her to answer some questions to the best of her ability). The ex sex partner lives about three hours away and I know this is not very nice but she is from a totally different walk of life then how I was raised. She is really skanky…lost of divorces, abusive relationships, potty mouth, allows her teenage daughter to have sex and is open about it, she is not attractive at all and is very large. Ok what I found out is it was mainly sexually texts and pictures only. He has never sent her a picture in the three years until about three months ago and he sent one. I found out they never met or spoke on phone just through text. She also shared she came up to the area we lived three times and all three times she asked him to meet with her but he said he could not because of work commitments. So there was never any physical contact. She did tell me one piece of especially devasting info that I have had a very hard time digesting ….she said that he even said he was going to leave me when our youngest graduated high school in three years…..however she added that she really did not believe he would because he refused to ever met with her. She also said he said he “loved” her.
    His response to all this…obviously he has been beyond shamed and is horrified as he has watched me suffer the pain and devastation I have been going through. He said he never felt what he was doing affected how he felt for me for us and for our family. He is not sure why he did it…he knows it was wrong it and is digested with himself and cannot believe he did it and for so long. We both agreed there was some things we could work in I our marriage especially over the past three years by of the stress we have been under from various things in life. However he knows that was not why he did this he said he compartmentalized and kept that part totally separate from his love for me. I do not know how that is possible but that’s what he said … He believes we have had a very good and happy marriage over the past twenty years and honestly up until finding this out I would say the same but now I wonder how is that possible? We began seeing a marriage counselor the second day after I found out and have been going ever since. The marriage counselor and my husband both believe the catalyst of this sexually texting relationship over the past three years was the alcohol. My husband openly admitted he was an alcoholic and that he believed had he not been drinking so much this would have never happened. As far as why he said that about leaving ….he said he said it by she was in a bad place and feeling low and he was drunk …he said he is horrified he said it but never ever meant it. As far as the love you he said when they would end conversations it would be like by “love ya” not love you….he thought little of it. At first when we were discussing all this he felt what he did was horribly wrong but not cheating because they never met up or talked on the phone or had pyhsical contact he now realizes he did cheat on me through these actions and said he is willing to do anything and everything to repair what he has done, that he loves me today as much as he did yesterday and all the days before….he has made one huge change and that is since I found out 48 days ago he has been totally alcohol free…not one drop! He said he feels he has shed that other person and that was not him and he will never drink again. The fact he has quite like this speaks volumes and I am surprised he has had no desire to drink even when we have had some tough conversations. He has been doing anything and everything to show me how sorry he is and how much he wants this to work. By the way during the entire time he was cheating on me our sex life has always been good and fulfilling. I like it as much as he does.
    Ok anyway although there are many things I am struggling with there are two things that I need advice on or imput on…..1. My husband said that he feels these where not emotional affairs as he feels he had no emotional connections to them. I think he know realizes with his ex wife that since they were maintaining a friendship and even though he was sharing all about us and our life’s that yes that involves emotions however the one for the past three years he says was strictly sexually based in conversation and nothing more there was no emotional connection at all….thoughts? Is that a true emotional affair?
    The second thing is how can I get ahold of my active imagination and begi. To move one I cry daily and it ins awful I have always been the life of the party happy go lucky person and I feel destroyed….thoughts?

  11. My husband of twenty years had two “emotional” affairs that spanned over the past 8 years. The first was about eight years ago…his ex wife (they were married one year) contacted him. Basically it started out as hi how is life going then it went into sexual talk and she sent pictures etc…this went on for about six months. After that he and she did not message each other for over almost two years. When they did reconnect again through email then texting it was strictly “friend” based. They talked about their life’s and what they were doing. She knew everything about me and my kids and what we as a family had been doing. I confirmed this with her because we spoke via email. I asked her a boatload of questions which she was extremely honest. All was confirmed by husband (although my trust has been broken with him that is why I needed to verify). She said both she and he had expressed regret of the sex talk and pictures. She said she knew he was very much in love with me and our family and they never talked about getting together to meet up in person. All communication was done through email and texts. She said she she knew he and her would never talk again because he made it clear to her that he wants our marriage to work because he loves me so much.
    Next “emotional” affair began three years ago….an ex sex partner (not girlfriend) from his youth had gotten his cell number from his father. I believe the reason he gave it to her was there had been a death of a mutual friend she wanted to tell him about. My husband denies having any emotional connection with her at all but they remained in contact by texting for three entire years. They texted in a totally sexually context…she sent numerous pictures and the texts between the two were extremely raunchy. 49 days ago I found out about these texts and pictures because I had been out with a friend for a couple of hours and came home and he was asleep (passed out) upstairs in bed. His phone was on his chest and when I picked it up to move it …it popped open and all I saw was a pair of disgusting naked breasts. Then I read the transcript of the texts and was immediately sick to my stomach. He was too drunk and out of it to confront that evening but we began our talks the next day.

    Background info my husband and I love each other very much. As a person my husband is an amazing man and honestly through our marriage he has always treated me like a princess. Of course no marriage is perfect but we had the type that made people always come up to us and say we were so lucky ….people would specifically say to me it is so obvious how much your husband loves you (when I think of that now I want to get sick). Before finding this all out I thought the same as well…he always seemed so devoted to me. He has said he never stopped loving me and that had never changed throughout all of this. I personally do not understand how that is possible. There was only one huge thing that was driving a wedge between us and that was his drinking. He has always drank but it had become increasingly more over the past three -five years. The first day of marine therapy he admitted his drinking had been getting increasingly worse and. he was drinking on average of 12 beers an evening. I felt horrible that I had been so oblivious to this. How could I have not know what was going on? He said he and this ex of sorts would text only when he had been drinking heavily. If he were to average it out he and she sexually texted about two times a week for the last three years. He never did it with me present, not when we where out or on vacations but only when he was drunk. He did it in his hobby room in our basement (another thing that makes me sick to my stomach). I also verified the details with her as well through text letting her give me her version to see if it matched up with his. This was truly difficult to do but she seemed honest enough although not at all happy about me finding out (duh). I think she was civil and honest with me because I was not angry in my texts I just asked her to answer some point blank questions to the best of her ability. The ex sex partner lives about three hours away and I know this is not very nice of me to say but she is from a totally different walk of life then how I was raised. She is really skanky…lost of divorces(she was married during this last three years), abusive relationships, foul mouth, confrontational, she allows her teenage daughter to have sex and is open about it, she is not attractive at all and is a very large woman. She confirmed what my husband said that it was mainly sexually texts and pictures only. When I asked if he sent her pictures she said he never sent her a picture in the three years until about three months ago and then he sent two. One of his face and boy was he drunk and another of his privates (she forwarded them to me…sick huh.) once again I think she was honest enough but not happy about having to answer my questions. I found out they never met or spoke on phone only through text. She also shared with me that she came up to the area we lived three times and all three times she asked him to meet with her but he said he could not because of work commitments. So there was never any physical contact. She did tell me one piece of especially devasting info that I have had a very hard time digesting ….she said that he said he was going to leave me when our youngest graduated high school in three years…..however she added that she really did not believe he would because he always refused to meet with her when she was in town. She also said he said he “loved” her.

    His response to all this…is he is horrified that he did this to me to us. He said he compartmentalized what he was doing and he believed in his mind he kept it separate from “us” and our family. He has seemed very genuine in his asking for forgiveness and I know he is beyond shamed of his behaviors. He seems as frustrated as I am in not knowing why he did this horrible thing. He has been horrified and feels terrible (as well he should be) as he has watched me suffer the pain and devastation I have been going through. He said he never felt what he was doing affected how he felt for me for us and for our family. I find that very hard to believe. He is not sure why he did it…he knows it was wrong it and is digested with himself and cannot believe he did it and for so long. He has taken full responsibility of his behavior and actions insisting it was nothing I’d did or didn’t do. However, we both agreed there was some things we could work in I our marriage especially over the past three years brought on by the stresses we have been under from various things in life. However he says he knows that these things were not why he did this. Once again he said he compartmentalized (he is former military 20+ years) and kept that part totally separate from us and his love for me. I do not know how that is possible but that’s what he said … He believes we have had a very good and happy marriage over the past twenty years which includes the time span when he had contact with both his ex wife and ex whatever she was. I can honestly say up until finding this out I would have said the same but now I wonder how is that possible?

    We began seeing a marriage counselor the second day after I found out and have been going ever since. The marriage counselor and my husband both believe the catalyst of this sexually texting relationship over the past three years was my husband’s heavy alcohol consumption. My husband openly admitted he was an alcoholic (this was the first time he ever said it) and that he believed had he not been drinking so much this would have never happened because the setting always happened when he was drunk. When I ask why he said that about leaving ….he said he said it because she was in a bad place and feeling very low and he did it to make her feel better even though he was drunk. I am so devastated by this all. Of course he is horrified he said it and insist he never ever meant to hurt me /us like this nor do he mean for it to carry on and on like this. As far as the “love you” he said when they would end conversations it would be like by “love ya” not love you….he thought little of it but she obviously took it much differently. At first when we were discussing all this he felt what he did was horribly wrong, shameful, and unforgivable but he did not think it was cheating because they never met up or had any physical contact. He quickly realized after the first counseling session and what he has seen this do to me that it was cheating and he did cheat on me through these actions.

    He has said he is willing to do anything and everything to repair what he has done, that he loves me today as much as he did yesterday and all the days before….he has made huge efforts since this has happened. One huge change since I found out 49 days ago was he completely quit drinking. He has been totally alcohol free…not one drop since this all happened. He said he feels he has shed that other person and that was not him or who he was and he will never drink again. The fact he has quit like this speaks volumes and I am surprised he has had no desire to drink even when we have had some tough conversations. He has been doing anything and everything to show me how sorry he is and how much he wants this to work. By the way during the entire time he was cheating our sex life has always been good and fulfilling. I like it as much as he does.
    Ok anyway although there are many things I am struggling with there are two things that I need advice on or imput on…..1. My husband said that he feels these where not emotional affairs as he feels he had no emotional connections to them. I think he now realizes with his ex wife that since they were maintaining a friendship and even though he was sharing all about us and our life’s that yes that involves emotions however the one for the past three years he says was strictly sexually based in conversation and nothing more there was no emotional connection at all….thoughts? Is that a true emotional affair?
    The second thing is how can I get ahold of my active imagination and begin to move on?? I cry daily and it is awful I have always been the life of the party happy go lucky person and I feel destroyed….thoughts?

    • Oh dear, so sorry about what you are going through. You mentioned that the two of you are in counseling, is it helping? It’s normal to feel the way you are feeling and it’s therapeutic to have a good cry over what was lost. It will do you good to give in to your feelings, initially. But the thing is, you don’t want to be in this emotional state forever. Because it is not going to do you or your relationship any good. My best advice is to be patient and give yourself time to heal. With that said, time alone spent doing nothing is not going to work. So please, read books about affairs, join a support group and get yourself an infidelity or life coach to help you get your emotions under control. Check out the resources page here for some recommendations.

      Big Hug,

      Mellie

  12. I just found out about my husband’s emotional affair a few days ago and am seeking some guidance. The affair took place 7-8 months ago when we were going through a rough event together and about to get married. We have now been married for 2 months but were together for five years when it took place. Once I found out, he confessed and it’s turned into us being more vulnerable about everything – which has been great. I feel a sense of closeness. However, I believed that the only way to heal is if I knew the details from start to finish about what was going on. My husband shared these difficult details with me and although I appreciate his honesty, I can’t get them out of my head. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I feel like a shell of myself. I have told my therapist but no one else. I’m just wondering – is brutal honesty the only way to recover? I’m now wishing I never knew the details but I think I would always wonder and seek to find answers. My husband is devestated by his actions and has said all of the things you’d think you want to hear in this situation. However, I find myself on a roller coaster of emotions and wanting to pull away to protect myself. I know I’m only a few days in but is there any hope for our marriage? I would love a few tangible steps we can take to repair.

    • Hi, thanks for stopping by. I’m so sorry that you are going through this painful experience. Many betrayed spouses want to know all the details of the affair, but as you found out, knowing everything about the affair is a 2-edge sword! In the early stages, roller coaster emotions are normal, you have to feel what you are feeling. Your husband is devastated by his actions, that’s a good sign that he is willing to work on restoring the marriage. So don’t give up hope just yet. You’re getting help, that’s a good thing too.

      If you’re looking for some tangible steps, then I highly recommend “How to Survive an Affair.” It’s a great step-by-step program to help both the betrayed and the cheater come to grips with and deal with their emotions, as well as steps to repair the bond. You can read my review here or order it here.

      All the best.

      XO,

      Mellie

      • I’m in a similar situation. My husband and I are just a few weeks away from our 15 year anniversary. I found out about 6 months ago that he was having an emotional affair 2 years ago, but I just confronted him about it this week. Of course he tried to deny it at first but then came clean. It was someone he knew from college. He said they didn’t date and we’re just friends. We had gone through a rough patch in our marriage at that time and so was she so they were talking each other about their marriages. The thing is it was going on late at night, 2am and at also during the time we were taking our oldest son to college. I found messages discussing this as well as them possibly meeting up, although my husband says they never have. I feel completely violated and don’t know if I believe him. During the past couple years I’ve know. Something has been off with him. I’ve even said this to him and he’s assured me its nothing. I’ve even asked him about there being someone else. He’s wanted to sleep on the couch and work late on the computer, been on his phone late. I haven’t been able to sleep or eat for two years and I thought I was just going crazy! I always thought he was one of the good guys. I trusted him with my life and the life of our kids. I just don’t know if I’ll be able to get over it.

  13. My husband and I have separated recently due to an emotional affair he had with a regular customer of his at a gas station. This is not the first time he has had an emotional affair in our 9 years of marriage. This is the third time. I had no idea this 20 year old girl even existed. I knew he was going out late at night and texting someone, but he told me he was hanging out with his guys friends and the phone number he was texting and calling belonged to a guy named JD. Well I found out otherwise. This affair went on for 2 months. During his free time, he would go hang out with her at parties and the club, while I was at home unaware of what he was up to. His excuse was that he couldn’t tell me about his friend that was a girl because he was worried I would be jealous, upset, and blow things out of proportion. He said he needed her opinion on things that were going on in our marriage. The best excuse he gave me was that he did it to better himself for me. I am so angry and hurt. My question is, is my marriage worth saving? I am just worried that if we work through this, a few years down the road he will do it again. I don’t know how to get him to realize that he was having an emotional affair. He says it was all innocent. Please help.

  14. My husband admitted to an emotional affair just yesterday – with someone he met through work. He says they have been talking/texting, occasionally hanging out together for about 2 months, and have not had sex. He doesn’t really know her that well, since their time together has been fairly limited, but he is considering leaving me to “explore” the possibilities with this other woman. I am devastated, especially since he does not seem to want to work on our marriage, and is willing to throw away 19 years together for someone he barely knows.

  15. I had been going through this myself. I don’t know why I stayed. He has a very bad history of emotional affairs and confiding in people about me. His secretary, his family, his friends. His has constantly breached all boundries and trust. And while I’m not perfect most of what he communicates to people are total lies. This last incident I found out about, the girl who he was confiding in, bashed him In public for his professional services. Apparently, she bashed because he promised to give her free professional services and backed out because she didn’t reciprocate his feelings YET still used him. I warned him months ago to be careful. NOT to engage her, that she was using him to meet her objectives. He fought me tooth and nail over this girl which was very upsetting and TELLING. He was protecting her for a reason. Because he liked her romantically. I saw a text he sent her that he was “thinking about her all night”. This was sent when I was barely out the door 2 minutes! When I learned of the text I left him immediately. He texted me and blamed the whole thing on me. Then he apologized half heartedly. Then he blamed me again. Then he just shrugged it off and I haven’t heard from him since. I guess I have been fooling myself for too long. These people never change. The blaming, the deflection, the justification…I can’t change any of it. It’s obvious he’s not happy but felt compelled to keep me around. Doesn’t matter we don’t have the added stress of children, I’m many years younger and still pretty. I took his kids and his family under my wing, cleaned, cooked, loved him in every way. Dragging them to counseling doesn’t work either. They might agree to go but they will quickly find excuses not to and you will be back at square one. I left him. The only regret is that I didn’t stay away sooner as I have left many times before. Most of my things are still there as I don’t even want to see his face. Don’t know when I’m going to go there but I won’t be bullied into anything right now. I just don’t think these men and women can be changed and to waste your life trying to do it is heartbreaking for the innocent. They are not sitting home worried. No there not. There wanting to keep the status quo while you try to hold on to something not worth it. I don’t see any success stories on these pages. Zero. Indulge yourself in things you want. Forget about them. If they really cared you wouldn’t be in this position in the first place. There aren’t roses on my doorstep now. No cards of apology. No remorse, just blame, disgusting comments, Justification and deflection. That’s all I got. For what? I’m not taking any blame. I’ve had it with beating myself up.

    • Hi,

      So sorry you’re going through this. It’s unfortunate that some people do not want to change. Realize that you have no control over your spouse, you only have control over you. And sometimes you just have to pull the plug and let go – move on with your life. I hope things work out for you and do take care of yourself.

      Al the best

  16. Yesterday I got a phone call that turned my world upside down. The husband of the woman my husband was having an emotional affair with contacted me and sent me screen shots of my husband and his wife texting each other kissy faces, hearts and i love yous. I’m so broken hearted. to make thing even worse I’m 8 and a half months pregnant with my husbands child. I confronted my husband about it and he said he didn’t have “in love” feelings about her but strong friendship type love and things never got physical. I actually believe him b/c he’s never done this before but i still cant help but feel like a fool. I want to forgive him and try and heal our marriage b/c i don’t want my baby coming home to a broken home but its so hard b/c the trust we once had is shattered. Also to make matters worse is that they are co-workers. Now i feel like every time he goes to work i have to wonder. My husband has gotten down on his knees, sobbed and apologized to me, sworn up and down to never hurt me like this again and to be a better man. I truly believe that he really is sorry. But him being sorry doesn’t heal my broken heart or bring trust back. I want to move past this but it’s so hard. What to do….

    • Hi, Can I ask what you did here?
      My husband of nearly 4 years has been having an emotional affair for roughly 4 months. I was pregnant when it began and with an 11 week old baby I found out out it a couple of days ago. Im heartbroken because in our 10 year relationship, although specifically within our 4 year marriage, this is the second emotional affair he has had. The first time he actually left deciding that if he could have feelings for someone else then he couldnt be with me. He came back evetually and we worked on our relationship, making it stronger than ever. It was 2 years before we decided we were strong enough to start a family, we had some difficulties and although we had our rough patches while trying to conceive we were strong enough to get through it and when we found out we were expecting we were elated. I had a very difficult pregnancy and so out physical ‘intimacy’ kinda went out of the window. Sadly during this time we found out his father was ill, and towards the end of the pregnancy we found out that treatment hadnt worked and we were gointg to lose him. We were devestated, all of us. However my husband made it clear that he didnt want comforting from me or even to talk about it. I made sure he knew i was there if he did eant to talk but gave him what he asked and didnt bring up the subject myself leaving him to come to me when he needed. Herein lies the issue, instead of coming to me he went to a collegue. During the worst time of our lives, the last few weeks of his dads, they messaged daily and he talked to her about it at work, aparently getting the comfort he needed. His father passed a week before our LG arrived and the support my husband sought was from her not me. I was unaware of this at the time, I was worried about him because to me it appeared that he was bottling it all up (aparently not). I grew suspicious when i noticed that he was showing sinilar behaviours as he had previously (during the first rmotional affair). I checked his ohone and found messages. Nothing sexual and most of it was general conversation except the message that broke me, when he confessed to her that he loved her. I couldnt believe that this was happening and confronted him immediately. He was extremely sorry and willing to do whatever it took to fix it. He refused to leave and said he wouldnt allow himself to make the same mistake again. He has cut all possible contact with her (he is her manager so cannot sut all contact) but has said he will comminucate with her at work about work and that is all. He has taken every request I have made (he is not allowed to socialise with anyone from work outside of work, he has to get himself some councelling to deal with his self destructive behaviour and we are to attend relationship counselling, which we never did last time). he is mortified with himself and I do believe him to be genuinely sorry.
      I dont want to lose everything we have built, and I don’t want my daughter to live in a broken home, but how am I ever supposed to trust him again? I want more than anything for it to be fixed, but I feel like if i take him back again does it mean he’ll feel that I always will even if he does it again? I have registered us for counselling with RELATE and am just waiting for a response.

  17. Help!!! My husband of 1 year 9 months had been having multiple emotional affairs (dirty sexting, dirty pics) and seeking prostitutes for sexually favors and on dating websites the whole time we have been together, I just found out 2 months ago. The worst part was I caught him and then 2 weeks after we fought, cried and he looked me in the eyes and promised there were no women he was talking to I found all kinds of things. He told one girl, how he got caught but everything was safe with them and they could keep talking. We meet 8 years ago and after having a relationship for 6 months I found out he was married (we were deployed). I am just so lost and hurt, I don’t have any trust what so ever and I hate the person I am with him. We have a 9 month old daughter and it is so hard, being he is a good father. He says this has open his eyes and changed him and he will be 100% devoted to me. Heard it before and this is like the 5th chance I have given him. I just don’t feel like I can any more. ADVICE?

    • I understand what you’re going through. Is there anyone (spiritual advisor, trusted family member or friend) that you can confide in? You shouldn’t carry this burden all alone. Please reach out and get help. If you can afford to, get some counseling or coaching just for you.

      Take care.

      XO,

      Mellie

  18. My wife and I were married 8 years; we dated for 10 years before that. She has claimed that I had an emotional affair with a woman from work. I do care deeply about this woman however I do not feel anything inappropriate has taken place. Now, all of this had come to a head due to the fact that I found she was engaging in sexual conversation and sending and receiving nude and non-nude on Pinterest and snapchat with multiple men, women and couples. I also discovered that she was arranging to secretly meet a couple down in Vegas for a threesome and had already had another here with two guys. I understand my part in this, as I had been neglectful and unforgiving due to some hurts that had occurred during the time we had dated. Yet, I do not feel that I crossed a line in the emotional affair category. I love my work friend to the point I would give up my life for her but we never would cross any point betraying the trust of our spouses. On the other hand my exwife has repeatedly crossed both emotional and sexual boundaries time and time again. I even had a “close” friend move to another state due to the emotional affair he and my wife had. When it was discovered he found that both he and I had been lied to and moved due to the stigma that came with.
    We are divorced now and I am doing much better. (Was really broken up for a bit) I mostly want to encourage people not to mistake every outside relationship for an emotional affair. Building friendships is how the human race thrives and until those friendships cross firm lines they are not affairs. Most importantly I want to say Love and forgive; I lost sight of that for only a moment and my lesson came at great cost.

    • So sorry things did not work out for you. Yes, sometimes we have to learn the hard way. But I’m glad to hear you’re doing much better. Give yourself time to heal. Hopefully you’ll find love again.

      All the best,

      Mellie

  19. I just found out my husband was having an emotional affair with an old friend for about a month. They knew each other when they were in their late teens and got close but they never dated. We always were open about our prior relationships and i knew he had fond memories of this girl.

    I was cheated on in a prior relationship and have always had my issues but I still trusted my current husband of 9 years. Anyway, so almost 20 years later the other woman happened to have a relative who was taking my husbands class. Dont know how she discovered my husband was the teacher but the point is because of that she decided to look him up and add him on Facebook. My husband accepted and they began conversating. He tells me it was innocent but that it felt good to talk to someone since I wasn’t giving him that. He began to tell her our problems and she did as well. He said by the 3rd week their conversations began to become more flirtatious and she asked him if he cared about her. They both said they did and that they were special to each other. By then their emails were all day and one night the talked on the phone for about an hour. I caught them on facebook conversating about 5 days later and I was in shock. The conversation seemed innocent but still there was some flirting. I confronted my husband right away. He tells me he’s sorry and that it started out as just reminiscing with a dear friend to something it shouldn’t have. He stopped contacting her and showed me the text he sent her telling her that he can’t talk to her anymore. I believe he is sorry and we are currently going to marriage counseling, but it has been so hard on me. I can’t stop thinking about it and as much as I want to move on and learn to trust him again I don’t know if I can.

  20. I am so thankful for this blog thank you all for expressing your heartache it has really helped me with mine….my husband and I have been together for 2 1/2 years… In the beginning of us dating he had a small emotional affair I was devastated and done…. I forgave him over time leading to our marriage…. I just discovered he and his ex were emailing each other on and off for the past year…he sent pictures of himself and my stepdaughter to her (not the mother of his daughter a woman previous before I ) and different from the 1st women I caught him messaging before….. I discovered them through his E-mail with long detailed beautiful messages that broke my heart….he has seen how much this has damaged our relationship and I ….I love him…and hate him for opening up to another woman especially his ex after the 1st chance I gave him and through his email he went that extra mile to hide and decive me….we have a 9 year age difference and believe he should know better since he is 32 and I 22…he says he is sorry and won’t do it again but after I forgave him the 1st time to discover he was intimate with another women while nothing in our relationship seemed lacking… I don’t know if I should put my heart on the line when I am seeing a slight pattern…. He means everything to me and he says I do too but after this I don’t know if our marriage is worth another fight …I know he is really sorry… But then I don’t …I don’t wanna be fooled after the 1st time now second…. He said he doesn’t know why he kept the emails going… Keeping me in the dark on what caused him to reach out to another person….he said he missed her…that she made him feel special….he missed the freckles on her face…things that a wife should only hear to her I was reading he was writing to another women….. This has devastated me and he is fighting for our marriage but I don’t know if I can….he wants me to forgive but don’t know if I can look at him the same after what I read …his words repeat in my head all day to what his said to this Nichole mystery women/ex …he swears he didn’t meet her in person ever…and the emails were flirtatious but not sexual… What should I do … Forgive and hope we can still have a beautiful faithful future while having this on the back on my mind and try to heal….or move on with my life with someone else ….

  21. I found out my fiancé was having an emotional affair with his sons x girl friend. Whom he was helping them in the beginning but when the church told them to stop they continued to message and email and FaceTime all the time for months. By accident I was on his computer and behold she Facebook message pops up. I knew something was wrong. So I read them all. All 8 months worth and all the recordings of her and her husband fighting and of course we know she only recorded what she wanted my fiancé to hear. I’m still heart broken and he says he’s not talking to her anymore. But I still have no trust. I m always wondering if they talk. He even learned words like beautiful and my love on Spanish to talk to her. She has 4 children and is married.! This is so hard.

  22. I recently found out that my husband of 20 years has had many secret flirtations (his terminology) throughout our marriage. He says he has always had this need and did it throughout his previous marriage as well. He also admitted that the period between both marriages he did not even date. Our marriage has not been a good one. For 15 years I have begged for him to talk to me, to sleep with me and to include me in his life. I always thought I was just following through on my vows but now I wonder if I just gave up. Now here I am….60 years old, unable to work (disabled from a car accident) and isolated from friends and family. On top of everything he lost his job! Hmmmm, why am I writing? Guess I just wanted to see how really pitiful I am. Waiting, praying and hoping for my husband to want our marriage to work was a waste of time. Oh yeah, he’s asking for yet another chance to make things right. How can you come back from over 30 emotional affairs? The last one he actually was thinking about following through. I guess it’s true…if you don’t respect yourself no one else will either.

  23. Karlene, you aren’t pitiful, he is. Why are so many men so pathetic and stupid and cowardly? “Emotional birth defects” I believe are part of it.

    I can see why women become lesbians after dating/marrying men and dealing with their crap. I don’t like women enough though and they don’t have the right equipment for me!

    I’m very much considering revenge sex after my wonderful, ahole hubby’s emotional affair…and yes he knows it. Always said that I would even the playing field if someone cheated on me and although he didn’t have any physical contact (long story but I was able to verify because I would never believe his word & such stupid circumstances that certainly were not worth destroying our marriage, idiot) so here we are in counseling with the very real possibility of me having disclosed revenge sex. I’m going with sex because he deserves me “one upping him”. And I’m really not hopeful about every feeling the same way about him so not much to lose and maybe it will help. At the very least he can feel some torment over and over.

    • Hi. My husband and I have been together 12yrs and married 13. On May 24th I found out he has been actively searching for women on Ashley Maddison married affair dating website. So, from what I found, he has had 5 emotional affairs in a short amount of time and met one of them a few weeks before I found out. He was staying out of town for a job when he met her and he swears they only had a few drinks but there was no sex involved (like I believe that). But when he came home from that trip he was extremely “horny” and wanted me like he hadn’t, in YEARS! He said he thought it would help our marriage…

      But all I could think about was the fact he had to be thinking about her the whole time, it’s all I think about now. When I found out he had been planning a guys fishing trip for memorial day that he usually does twice a year with his friends. But something seemed off about this one, so I investigated, I found that he had not spoken to those guys in two months! He was going to spend five days with ANOTHER GIRL he met on that site. But he swears he was only going to see her for one night and then go off to fish by himself because he has been unhappy and needed some time alone.

      I don’t know what to believe. I’ve always been cheated on and I used to just do revenge sex, and eventually leave because I can cut my emotions like that and it is just over. But…this is different. He is the best man I’ve ever known, he spoils me, treats me well, accepts and supports all my issues (and believe me, there’s a lot!). I didn’t know men like him existed, but now he has proved he is just like any other dog out there. The worse part is that the last few years I felt him pulling away and I’ve kept the line of communication uber open!

      I’ve talked to him about anything and everything asking him questions, having conversations, we never argue, it’s always clear cut. I would say to him “It’s ok, you can tell me anything! I would never ask you a question and then berate you for the answer. I want you to be happy, even if you want a divorce, or if you need me to do something differently. Just let me know, because we can’t change what’s not acknowledged.”

      So as you can see this came as a complete shock because I’ve always been completely open and asked him for the same in return. I told him I could forgive a one-nighter but never an emotional affair…Then I find out that he has been paying to be on this site and talking to many women. That he would’ve been off with this other woman for five days if I hadn’t caught him!

      Also three years ago when I was paying a credit card bill I saw the site on the bill. I asked him about it because I just knew it was a mistake, and was going to have it removed from the bill. He said of course he didn’t do it, that it had to be identity theft, and my dumb ass believed him. Now all I can think of is how long has this really been going on? I only found e-mails from 3-4 months back, but that website he opened was like 3-4 years ago!!!!

      It’s now almost been a month, and we’ve been in therapy for 3 weeks, but I can’t seem to move forward. It’s the first time I ever wanted to work it out, the first time I didn’t go for the revenge sex, and the first time my emotions haven’t shut down on me. But I’m still in survivor mode. I’m only 43, I’m disabled now and haven’t been able to work for 5 years, and I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to disrespect him, I don’t want to lose the marriage that he says he wants so much. But there are days like today and last night that I’ve thought of suicide. Or that I’ve been so angry and felt so dirty I don’t know how to move forward. I’m sleeping in the spare bedroom, but I don’t know if he has had sex with those women, I can’t get over the fact that he TOLD me,..remember that night I came back from that job and we were intimate? Remember how passionate I was with you, well that was because I met with her…REALLY? Is that supposed to make me feel better? I feel worthless, useless, rejected, unlovable, unwanted. I don’t know. I’ve never been brokenhearted before, I’ve never loved like I allowed myself to love him. I want it to work but I’ve turned into this jealous, sneaky, nerve-wracked person I never was before. I didn’t do jealousy, I trusted him implicitly! I’ve been hurt many times and have a huge rejection problem (I’m talking like, literally, my mother told me she tried to abort me several times but I just wouldn’t die) type rejection issues LOL, now it’s brought all that back to the surface and I’m having nightmares about stuff from years ago. I’m not sure it’s worth it. Or what if he decides it’s not worth it? Because some days things are awesome and others I’m just downloading all my negativity on him. Ugh!

      • I just recently found out that my husband of almost 14years has been actively looking and talking to other women. He took nude photos of himself and sent them to these people. I knew something was wrong with him. He blamed it all on me. Which I knew he would. He was giving me altamatems as to when he would stop because I invaded his privacy. He was even going to try and meet with them. I am so crushed. He is acting like it was nothing but he do2get it. Some of his conversations really. hurt me.

  24. My husband of 15 years – together for 20 – had an emotional affair with a coworker lasting for about four months. I am sure it was nothing sexual. She is also married and they would constantly complain about their spouses VIA text. He said things like “sometimes you just pop into my head and make me smile” and called her “spectacular” and “amazing”. They were both going through a weight loss, healthy lifestyle change and bonded over that. I’ve been trying to get him to do this for years so it was very frustrating that she was able to get him to do this where I was not. I found out about this 5 months ago and I am still on an emotional roller coaster. We have talked this to death and I know he loves me and is so sorry but how many times can I hear “I am so sorry for doing this to you” while I am sobbing on the floor and have it mean anything? Most days I am alright. We have become closer and started date nights again, holding hands as we fall asleep, hugging all the time, sending each other emails and texts all day but the second he tries to tell me I’m amazing or spectacular or that I make him smile I freak out. I just can’t get what he said to her out of my head. He won’t quit his job and I get it – he is way up on the food chain and has been there for 12 years and did look but there is nothing out there where he can make the money he is making now. I know he’s not lying because I have looked too. She still works there and I have panic attacks every day knowing they are together. There are only 7 people in the office so I know that they have interaction every day. He has assured me it is work related only and if a group non work conversation comes up and she is involved he walks away. This year the Christmas party was a lunch with employees only and he did not go. This forced him to tell his boss why. His boss has asked to talk to me to tell me that nothing inappropriate is happening but he completely understands my discomfort and even recommended a counselor. I have made the mistake of lashing out at her VIA text and email. I cc’d her husband as well with screenshots of the texts in hopes to make her marriage suffer as well. I know it’s not right but it made me feel better. Why should we be the only ones paying the price? She seems to think that she is Innocent in all this so I thought I’d see if her husband agrees. My husband found us a counselor and went alone for the first time a few days ago. I have my first appointment in a few days then we will go together eventually. I am just devastated by this and want to recover. I feel like it has taken over my whole life and it’s all I think about. I feel like I’m going crazy. Hopefully this counselor helps.

  25. My husband has been texting and calling this woman he works with late at night when he’s at the office. He texts here when I am not around, and when I finally figured out that they had been texting an inappropriate amount of times (over 100 between them while I was napping), he said he was ‘exploring the mutual attraction between them’. He said it was over on a Friday, but Saturday the same number of texts. Sunday there is a phone call when I am texting him about our relationship – he says he was in the garage and didn’t hear the phone. She sent him an email saying it was so hard not to talk to him – Sunday night.

    So where I am is this: He works with her. If he stays in his job which has potential that he is super excited about, he will be working in close proximity with her. If he leaves the job, he will resent me. We are taking some time apart right now so I can finish “ugly crying” and figure out what to do. He says it never got physical, but he had already lied about the relationship in the first place (Oh – and ALL the text messages and phone calls from her were deleted).

    How do I trust him again?

    • Hi,

      I’m so sorry you are going through this. Fight for your marriage, don’t give up hope yet. You have to feel what you are feeling at the moment, but trust will return in time.

      XO, Mellie

  26. I just found out my husband is having an emotional affair with his coworkers. They talk constantly. He told her head loves her and she said she loves him. I am so heartbroken. He always prided himself on saying he would never cheat but I am sure he will try to deny it when I confront him. I currently have a protection order in place because he also has a drinking problem too. He became violent and I was scared for my safety and the safety of our 2 bous. How could he do this? I can’t eat,sleep, or even go to work. I have counseling appt tomorrow. If you still wants to have a relationship with her I am done. He has crossed a line. He delet’s all the messages between them and she is encouraging him to get a divorce. But until I know otherwise. I am going to fight for our marriage! I blocked her number to his phone and messages. How do I get him to see how wrong this is? I want to contact her husband and tell him. I am afraid he will choose his friendship with her over me. So devastated:(

  27. This article really hit home. I’ve been struggling to understand what happened and it made me realize that emotional affairs exist and this is what is happening. Over the past 6 months, my fiancé put a pause on wedding planning and began to push me further and further away while simultaneously becoming very close to a woman he was assigned to a project with. He insisted that I become close to her so that we could have a new couple friend and I was happy to. As her and I got closer, she began sharing things about him that I didn’t know and seemed to know more about the state of our relationship than I did while simultaneously critiquing it. I thought it was fishy but trusted her like a friend so I didn’t think much of it. Meanwhile, my fiancé stopped texting me or calling me as much, and completely stopped wanting to see me to the point where even date nights were disasters. She was a part of all of his stories that he would share with me and that’s when I confronted him about how close they were becoming to which he replied “we are just friends. she understands the stress I have at work and we talk about it.” (He has a very demanding job). I trusted him so I dropped it. But things just got worse and they were eventually texting each other all night when they weren’t at work together. He stopped laughing at my jokes and flirting back with me but upon seeing some of their texts, he talked to her like he used to talk to me when we were falling in love. Things got worse as time went on. After he put a hold on the wedding, I found myself walking on eggshells for a while before we had a huge fight and decided to take a break. We went weeks with zero contact and I was honestly surprised. I loved this man and forgave him within a few days expecting him to do the same. During this break, his friend constantly checked up on me. She would tell me he’s really sad and that she keeps encouraging him to talk to me. I told her I wasn’t comfortable with their friendship and blurted something out on accident that he eventually used to strengthen his argument as to why he wasn’t sure about us anymore. The first thing he told me was this friend showed him the conversation (and twisted it) and that it proved that she was more loyal to him than I was. I was confused and so hurt. He’s held that one thing over me since and has been using it as an excuse to be distant, insensitive, and extremely rude. I told his friend that I didn’t want her to be a part of my life anymore but she managed to reach out to me again (after asking him for permission, which he gave her) for the three of us to hang out. I decided to call her to respond and told her that I didn’t want her to be a part of my life. My fiancé wasn’t happy about this. He was so upset about this that he has been rethinking our entire relationship and I am convinced, is leaving me soon. We haven’t spoken in months and don’t live very close to one another either. All this time, I thought I was in the wrong and the one to blame but it turns out, he is the one having an emotional affair and blaming me for our demise. How do I open his eyes to his stupidity? He is going to deny having an affair and will only try to blame me further for not trusting him and ruining our relationship.

  28. My husband & I have been married 30 years this year & dated 5 years before that. We have 2 daughters & own a business together. We have a lot of history together obviously. This past year we have become complacent & seems like we have become more business partners than marriage partners. Our daughters have moved out with lives of their own in this past year & I knew having an “empty nest” would be hard for me. On top of this, I lost my dad from cancer suddenly right before Christmas & I come from a tight knit family. I knew I was not giving my husband my time & attention anymore. I didn’t want to do anything or go anywhere. Four months after my dad passed away, I found out my husband had emotionally cheated on me. He had told me the night he did that he was going out with one of our customers & was being introduced to another potential customer. I take care of the financial part in our marriage & noticed the next morning on our online banking that he had withdrew $500. I asked him about this & he said that one of the guys had an old Jeep that he would take $500 for. We use Jeeps in our business & he said he could use the parts off of it. I kept wondering why I never saw the Jeep & would ask him about it & he would say he hadn’t gotten around to picking it up yet. Back in my mind, I knew that since I take care of the money, if he needed to get money from our accounts without me knowing, he would have a hard time in doing so. This was stuck in my mind for a few weeks. One day I picked up his iPad to look up something quick since I had left my iPad somewhere else & noticed a dating app & an anonymous texting & calling app. Wondering why my husband of 30 years would have such apps. My gut feeling was kicking up a nervous storm. I always thought my husband who is also my best friend, would be one of the last guys on this planet to cheat on me. I was sure he had an explanation for all of this. I asked him about the apps on his iPad, & he admitted that he was curious & was just checking. Then I asked about the money & the Jeep, & he got quiet. I said ” there was no jeep was there” & he said no. I said ” you didn’t go out to dinner with two guys & he said no. I said ” were you with a woman & he said yes. I literally felt the floor crumbling beneath my feet. Never in a million years would I thought he would have said that. He said he had met a woman from Craigslist & had wanted to meet with her & just talk he said. He said that was all he was looking for & they just rode around in his car talking. I guess she must of been cute & sweet talking & got him talking about sex & what they liked. She said she was a single mother raising a child & was having financial problems. My husband in his state of weakness said that he was a generous guy & could help her out. She asked him what would he want for in return & asked him if he would want sex. He told her he thought he would. Then all of a sudden, she gets out her phone & tells him that he has recorded their conversation & that she is an informant with the police & she has enough evidence in incriminate him. She said that she was getting paid $4500 for picking up solicitors. She said that he could pay her that money himself & she would erase the recording & nothing would happen. My husband said that he didn’t have that kind of money right then. She told him that they could go on down to the station & what would happen then. Wondering if this woman was really what she said she was, he decided to call her bluff. He drove down to the station & then she started acting nervous & telling him that he really didn’t want to do this to himself. He decided that she was a con artist after all but said he would give her $500 & would show him that she erased their conversation & then they would part ways quietly. After he dropped her off, he said he became so terrified of what had just happened & how many different ways that this could of played out. He said it was eating him up inside but could not tell me the truth cause he knew it would devastate me & lose everything we had. So when I confronted him & he told me everything, he said there was no sex & all he did when they were driving around talking was touch her knee at one point. He says that he would of stopped it at any point & not have sex but he truly was not sure what could of happened. If this woman had been just like him & looking for companionship & not a scam, I’m sure that he would of gone through with it. He is deeply ashamed of his stupidity & weakness & is broken up by all that has taken place & tells me he loves me more than ever & has always loved me & wants to put this behind us & work hard on our marriage. I believe him & think I will eventually forgive him but my trust I feel has been damaged forever. I thought I knew this man that I have been with for 35 years & me & my family & so many other people had placed him on a pedestal. I consider myself fortunate that he loves me & wants to work hard to mend this but I don’t know if I can ever trust him again at this point. It totally scares me to death to think how close he came to crossing that physical line. But I can’t imagine feeling any more devasted than I do right now if he did.

  29. I’m glad I found this site. I feel like I’ve been losing my mind. I’ve been married for almost 14 years, lost a baby in our first year and have a 12 year old. There’s no doubt we have had some problems for a few, but never in a million years would I dream that my kind, trustworthy, “man of integrity” would stoop to having an emotional affair with a gal half his age! He even said, “we’re just friends, it would be disgusting to get involved with her”. Yet I found out he called his best friend to get advice on “exploring this relationship and that he was obsessed with her and couldn’t get her out of his mind”. Fast forward 150 texts (all deleted) in 2 weeks, met up three times and took her out to dinner when my daughter and I were out of town, made plans to meet up for a midnight movie for her birthday and posted inappropriate comments on FB…that’s when I found out and put it all together. He lied and lied and lied until he was caught. He admitted it was “just a fantasy” but “his endgame was to have sex with her and move in with her to escape his miserable life”! I was so hurt. This came out of nowhere! We’ve since started solo and couples counseling and a marriage counseling program through our church. He has not followed through on the everyday communication or the exercises the church program has said is important. He has since started back working with this bimbo. Our therapist asked him to give me assurances that he would not talk to this girl and stop flirting, having lunch or hanging out afterwork for drinks. He agreed. When I brought up what the therapist suggested, he got angry. Everytime the mention of this girl comes up, he withdraws and closes up. The last straw was when I discovered he took “male libido” pills and lied about it to me….and he lied to the therapist. He claims he “does not know” where the 12 pills consumed went, especially since he said he was afraid to take them because of allergies. He’s had ED for three years and we have been intimate over the past month since not having hardly any relations in 3 years. He still has issues but I thought he wanted to get closer and work our intimacy. Now I think he was just taking them to “practice” for this bimbo. And to top it off, the day before he went back to work with her…he goes out and gets a haircut (not needed) and when I call him on it, he says that “it was a cover to go out and buy you a mother’s day gift”…but he still got the haircut. I don’t know what to believe. The darkest moment was last week when I found out about lying about the pills. I confronted him and when he lied, I went into a rage. He shoved me so hard across the room, I hit my head on a metal part of furniture and had a huge lump and my arms are covered in bruises. I went to the doctor the next day to check it out for concussion. She advised that he will never change and to file for divorce. He went out and bought me two dozen roses and said he was sorry. Our therapist advised immediate separation for at least two weeks but he refuses to leave because “he’s not close enough with his friends to ask and is too embarrassed”, so he’s been sleeping on the couch. He was always the guy who called cheaters “scumbag” and “losers” and used to say about other friend’s cheating husbands, “a man never leaves his wife or family unless he has another woman already lined up”. That is what my fear is. Part of me thinks he is just playing along with the therapy to try again with this bimbo. The other part wants to believe that he is sincere and really wants to work on getting our marriage on track and that he is sorry. He says he’s tired of “being attacked” about this bimbo and “wants to move our marriage forward” and that “it only lasted three weeks and the punishment is going on for three months”. I feel for our daughter who knows what is going on and it has affected her. I don’t want to waste our time and just move on if he is being dishonest. Part of me wants to get definitive proof and I can do that but that mean getting a third party at his work involved. The therapist says I have to trust but how can I when all the circumstantial evidence shows he’s still up to no good?? Thank you for your time.

  30. I am so happy to read some of these post I was unsure if it happened to so many others. I have been married for 28 1/2 years and recently discovered my husbands emotional affair.. I am just devistated.. just 4 years into our marriage he had a affair.. So I immediately thought he was having a affair when I saw she was texting him 20x a day I couldn’t believe it.. I had no idea what what happening and he keep on insisting it was not sexual.. He has asked for divorce and wants to separate but every time I mention for him to leave he helps pro-longing it.. I want to work on saving the marriage for my 3 children but he has not ended it with her.. This is the most painful thing I have ever gone through.. I was crying daily now I am getting my self in control and making myself stronger.. I really feel down deep that he wants to be with me but his emotions are not here at all.. He doesn’t talk about leaving anymore but I told him I will not be able to live like this cause He didn’t end it with her.. I try not to think about her anymore but every time he is sleeping or on the phone texting I can’t help think it’s about her.. I know I will never trust him again.. I am so confused as to what to do from here.. He won’t even go see a marriage counselor like saving a 281/2 year marriage is not worth it.. I do still love him and that’s the hard part.. No love back!!!

  31. Thanks everyone for sharing your stories! I’m also trying to heal after 2 separate emotional infidelity issues. The first was about 2 years ago. I was working weekend shifts and picking up extra time as well so, I wasn’t home much. Being the bread winner for our family I thought that I was doing the right thing. We have a 3 year old with special needs and things can get quite busy at our home. I found messages from him to a girl he went to high school with. She lived a few blocks from our house. I found messages from him asking her to come over, rub his back, etc. Also messages stating that I was a bad wife, always yelling at him and I was never home. After I found the messages I was beyond hurt. I asked him why he would send messages like this, inviting girls to our home? He responded by blaming me for working too much and leaving him home alone. He promised that nothing physical happened. So, we picked up the pieces and moved forward. Now….just yesterday I found him sending messages to our sons therapist. Telling her I cheated on him and he can’t leave me because of our son, sending photos to each other, etc. He’s doing it again. I had to call our thwrapy provider and have her removed from our team. Our son loves her and really connected with her. So, not only did her hurt me he hurt our son and this girl may loose her job. He swears that nothing happened….again. Also tells me that he will do whatever it takes for us to stay together. …again. Oh…and we’re on vacation with my family, too. That adds into the insanity of this mess!

  32. Hi. I have been married for nearly 32yrs. 8 yrs ago my husband had a sexual affair with a woman who just started working with him. He first denied anything was going on to eventually saying yes he did. We went for marriage consuling and I thought everything was fine for a long time, in fact I thought our marriage was better than ever. But in Feb i found a new chat app on his phone and a lot of conversations between the two of them and a lot of it was telling each other everything that is happening in the lives including our sex life. Then I found a photo that he took of himself naked and sent to her. I am absolutely devastated and want to file for divorce as I will never be able to trust him again. He says that he is extremely sorry and does not know why he did it and does not want me to divorce him, as he still loves me but I really don’t think I will be able to ever trust him completely. If he can still do this with the same woman that he did have sex with, whats the chances of him never doing it again. Should I just go and start a new life. Please help

    • I’m so sorry for your heartbreak. It’s truly devastating to find out that he is still cheating on you with the same woman. Only you can make the decision whether to stay or go. Unfortunately sometimes going your separate ways is the only option. Get some help to work through your emotions and be able to let go. It’s truly painful to face this after so many years of marriage.

      Wishing you the best.

  33. My husband and I will be married 24 years this month but have been in a bad rut for the past 5-6 months because of his emotional affair with a woman he met on Twitter. They chatted and flirted on Twitter and they even had some long conversations over the phone. They had considered meeting in person but never did. My 17 year old daughter discovered all the private messages between them and showed me. He was in love and infatuated with this woman who claimed to also be married and waiting for her husband to get a job so she could divorce him and get alimony. He has been very cold and distant to me and won’t sleep in the same room as me nor show any affection. We have been to counseling for about 5 sessions and I don’t see where it is helping yet. He can’t even articulate if he has any feelings for me but says he has told her he wants no contact. I feel like I am in a loveless marriage. We are fine with small talk but he shuts down anytime I want to talk relationship stuff. He said in our last counseling he was not sure he could ever get his feelings back for me. Talk about crushing. Right now we put a hold on counseling until he can decide if he wants to work on us or not. Just devastated.

    • Thanks for stopping by and sharing your story. It’s time to stop working “on us” and start working on yourself. Show yourself some love. Realize that you cannot control your husband’s behavior or how he feels. I know it’s heartbreaking… 24 years is a lot of years to just let go. but find yourself a life coach or infidelity coach to help you make the right decision.

      Rooting for you.

  34. I recently discovered that my husband has had an emotional affair for thr second time in as many years. The first time, I confronted him and told him how hurtful his actions were to me. He said he’d discontinued the relationship, but I’ve found evidence via our phone bill that they still communicate. This second time, I confronted him (different woman) and asked him to call her and have the conversation on speaker phone. He refused and insisted they were just friends. I asked him if ‘friends’ have long conversations several times a day, early in the morning or late at night and are secretive? He didn’t respond verbally, but the next day, went to AT&T to be removed from the family phone plan so that his conversations could no longer be monitored. I am just sick and explained that the only way our relationship could continue is with counseling. Because his mother is dying, I’m not pursuing any action right now. However, as soon as we’re done with this, I will be heading to counseling.

  35. My partner is in AA and is having an emotional affair with another AA member. My partner has been sober for about 18 months but hasn’t been working the recovery program until it’s fullest until the last 3 weeks. The other person has been sober for 26 years. My partner and I have come to rely on this person and she has been a very good source for us, in helping me understand what my partner is going through and of course being able to relate to my partner as who better to understand. We also hang out quite a bit with this person and her partner on weekends, etc. My partner wants this person as her sponsor, I have already said I’m not cool with it even before the emotional affair and the other person has said no she won’t sponsor another lesbian woman. My question is this … What do I do. I mean this person is/was a friend, I feel betrayed by her and of course my partner. I want them both to know that I know … Is that wise … My main concern is my partner’s sobriety, but really what do I do?

  36. I AM SO DEEPLY HURT AND DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO. MY HUSBAND AND I MET 18 YEARS AGO AND MARRIED 4 YEARS. WE HAVE 3 BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN 15, 9 AND 10 WEEK OLD. 2 OLDER ARE MY HANDSOME BOYS AND MY 10 WEEK OLD IS OUR BEAUTIFUL PRINCESS. STRAIGHT TO THE POINT HE WENT OUT WITH OUR GROUP OF FRIENDS AND I HAD BEEN HAVING THIS INSTINCT THAT SOMETHING WAS GOING ON SO I GOT ON HIS PHONE SINCE HE WAS PAST OUT DRUNK. I FOUND ON HIS PHONE TEXT MESSAGES WITH ANOTHER WOMAN. THE THING IS THEY WERE ONLY SCREENSHOTS OF THE CONVERSATIONS HE DELETED FROM THE ACTUAL MESSAGING. HE SWEARS THEY ONLY TEXT THEY DO NOT GO OUT OR SEE EACH OTHER. THIS BITCH IS THERE HR PERSON SHE LOOKED UP HIS NUMBER AND MESSAGED HIM. I TOLD HIM I WANT TO REPORT HER BUT HE IS AFRAID IT WOULD GET UGLY. THERE HAS BEEN A LOT OF GOING BACK AND FORTH AND HIS EXPLANATION AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE. HE SWEARS UP AND DOWN ITS ONLY TEXTING AND HE WILL DO EVERYTHING TO MAKE EVERYTHING RIGHT. WE ARE GOOD EVERYTHING AND HE IS SORRY. TEXTING WITH ANOTHER WOMAN IS STILL CHEATING IN MY BOOKS. TOO MANY YEARS TO THROW AWAY AND I’M AM CONFUSED WHAT TO DO. ALL I KEEP THINKING ABOUT IS WHAT WERE THERE CONVERSATIONS ABOUT??!!

  37. I found out my husband had an “emotional” affair recently just weeks after starting a new healthcare job. He is a nurse and she is the head of education/ staff training. He was acting weird so I checked phone records. I found thousands of texts to a number. I Asked him about it and he lied and told me they text for work. I immediately started researching.

    I made spreadsheets and gathered data. I bought spy programs and finally found proof. I found tests that were deleted between them that were definitely sexting. It was awful! He told her she was beautiful and the things he wanted to do to her were graphic. He never talks in bed. I can’t get him to.

    I Had already confronted her and told her I knew they lied. I told her about the texts. When I found those. She knew I could have her job. She said she had approached him at work almost the first time she saw him and he was receptive. It went from her looking at him, to them sexting to them kissing and touching in the office and having phone sex. She said he was the one that grabbed her, the first time they ended up in the same area together alone and kissed her. They fondled each other through their clothes too. They sent each other pictures too. I confronted him and he finally had to stop lying.

    He still blames me. Says my not wanting sex and being inattentive caused him to do this. The affair ended in a month and I discovered it almost immediately.

    The thing is, the reason I hadn’t been wanting sex a lot is that we lost our 27 year old active duty son this year. I had a hard time wanting sex when I would think my son couldn’t ever have sex again, and they were getting ready to try to get pregnant and give me a grand-baby.! I was and will always be crushed by losing my son. He said my depression caused me to draw away and he didn’t want to make my depression worse by talking to me about it so he just went along with the thing. He didn’t even consider it an affair until I showed him the articles about it.

    I’ve lost 50# after my sons death and people are getting on me for being unhealthy but I am doing yoga and I’m muscling up and actually started feeling good when I found out about my husband. His affair was with someone who was nothing like me . So Now Im afraid he doesn’t really want me. He is finally noticing me because I had started getting new clothes, and I have to admit I started teasing him with what he could have lost by screwing up.
    We have sex a lot now but he says I put pressure on him so he can’t orgasm sometimes. I don’t pressure him cause I am trying not to think of her. I want him to realize what he almost lost for a whore who does this again and again at that place.

    It did really bother me though because I know they had phone sex while he looked at the pictures they exchanged and I’m sure it took him no time to orgasm. I had his children and I’m 15 years older but I have seen her and she has had 2 kids and still outweighs me by a ton and has no muscle tone at all. I have a hard time understanding why he did this. The things he told her he can’t say to me. I don’t want the same words of course but when he try’s it comes across like he’s complementing a stranger. I want him to treat me sexy.

    The only think I can think of for why he did this is that the women who are whorish tend to attract men even if they aren’t especially attractive. Or he is going to do this again and again, because he doesn’t love me. I also want to understand why he was able to do this so soon after our son died. I will have to break down and go to therapy I know. I have no one to talk to, so writing down where others my read what he did may help

  38. I just found out that my partner of a year hs been texting with an ex-girlfriend the whole time we have been seeing each other. He has other female friends, I have met them, I know them and he has no problem telling stories about them fro the past. But this ex has never been mentioned. He has kept it a secret. He even admitted that they don’t talk on the phone, their not friends on FB and he doesn’t know if her husband knows or not. He said they only text about 2-3 times a year but there were 5-6 text to her, initiated by hime, in the last 6 months. I don’t know if there are more because he erased them. He said he felt guilty and he knew it was wrong and he was glad I found out. We have talked about it 2 times now and neither time did he say he had to end it because our relationship was more important! He defended it by saying she was just a friend from the past and meant nothing to her. If that were true why does he text he all the time? It has blown my trust for him out of the water because I know if I hadn’t found out I still wouldn’t know. I asked hime how he would feel if I had done that to him and he just said he wouldn’t like it. I don’t want this woman in our life and I want my relationship to myself. She knows ev erything we do, every where we go, and everything that is going on in our life. I suspect due to the fact he erased the texts that their conversation went deeper and contained content that he knew would upset me if I read it. I don’t know how to get past this and he doesn’t want to talk about it. He keeps telling me I am pointing a finger at him for something he already apologized for. Yet, he won’t let go. What do I do from here?

  39. Hey every one, I have a husband in law enforcement and his supervisor at his first station was an woman 10 years older than him, and his instructor at his academy. After about 6 months at his new post I noticed that whenever they hung out at the office he would come home talking about her constantly and her relationship, the boyfriend and now husband is one of her previous students by the way. I told him this bothered me that she was discussing her personal life with him and I felt it was inappropriate and he said she was just venting and asking for a male perspective . I asked him did he vent to her about us and he said no. Two months later I went out of town for a week to help a friend move. He came and picked me and our son up and had to work that am and went to bed. That morning my neighbor told me she came to pick him up after he got off of work wich I knew she had to take him to pick up his vehicle and drop hers off but the neighbor said he answered the door in his bathrobe. When I asked him about it after he got home he said she showed up 45 minutes early so he let her in and and talked to her after he got dressed and they just bull sh*ttes for a while then left. When I had come home and was cleaning the house I found a used condom in the trashcan wich he said he used to master bate so he wouldn’t make a mess and he would never cheat on me. When he would get home from work all I would hear about was the woman and their conversations where he said he was just giving her relationship advice and they were just friends. A year later we bought a house and he transfered and every thing was going great and year after that she became his first sgt. So they were in the same area. She was always nice to me but would ask me questions at functions about our personal life tha apparently my husband had talked about and was trying to give me “friendly” advice and be a good friend wich we never were friends but she said she was his friend. This went on for 10 years and I noticed my husband during this time was withdrawn off and on from me but thought it was the job, however when I would tell him I thought they were more than friends even if it wasn’t physical and they were being unprofessional let me add there were rumors in the dept they were having an affair,he would ask are you accusing me of cheating and get very defensive that he couldn’t correct her when she vented because she was his 1st sgt. He said he loved me but I needed to trust him. Two years ago he came home and told me I was right about her but he did nothing wrong just that she showed her true colors but waouldnt tell me what she said. and it would now be purely professional and he couldn’t get a transfer. Two weeks ago he was drunk and said when he saw it she had said she was in love with him and he needed to divorce me and her divorce her husband and he told her he loved his wife and that would never happen and that he was so sorry he refused to see it that he just thought they were friends and he never cheated on me with her because there was no sex and he thought flirting and then talking about their relationships was harmless. That when they would say I love you it was just joking. I explained that that was an emotional affair and that he really hurt me and he cried and said he was very sorry. We’ve been working on spending more time and get closer together since he had come home and said that 2 years ago. Now I don’t know what to do I’ve talked to him of my feelings but he still refuses he did anything wrong on his part because he never really lover her and there has always been me. I don’t want to ruin our marriage but feel like I’m drowning in hurt and anger and he still has to work with her and quitting or getting transfer is not an option so what now.

  40. The Friday before last my sister in law came over to hang out. The past few years since she married my husband’s brother she texts and calls my husband. For every little thing. I’ve told him how inappropriate it was and the she could talk to me but he never did anything. Well this night shattered my world completely. I went to bed early and woke up a few times to find my husband not in bed. The third time I had the thought there were kissing. Wanting to prove myself wrong I went to see what was up. She was going to stay in my son’s room since he doesn’t sleep up there yet. I get to his room and it was completely dark and I didn’t hear anything. As I was about to open my daughter’s door I hear someone getting off her air mattresses and out comes my husband. I totally freaked out! I was yelling and i had several anxiety attacks that day. I have prayed about it and feel strongly there were telling the truth that they weren’t doing anything. But she continued to contact him and then two days ago I felt I should check his phone. I found that were emailing each other getting to know you things. My husband and her both said things that were inappropriate. I also felt he was only telling me partial truths and that’s why I checked his phone. I found they increased their talking to daily for the past few months. We managed to survive an emotional affair once. I feel we can this time but I don’t know how to do it since she is in our lives. She’s married to my husband brother. I don’t know what to do and how to get over this with her in our lives.

  41. Hi,
    My husband and I have been together for 26 years and married for 22 years. We lived together for 4 years before getting married and when I found out I was pregnant he asked me to marry him. We have had a great life and have three beautiful children. When our oldest was a senior in high school I started panicking about our relationship after all the children were gone. Then we went on a trip to Ireland (Sept 2014) for 10 days and it was great. I realized that the children weren’t all we had. Well this past June he left for a week. He wouldn’t talk to me or return texts but he did talk to our oldest daughter and his mother. Then after a week I came home to find him at home acting like nothing had happened. I confronted him about leaving and not talking to me. He said he had a near death experience that scared him and he just wanted to go see friends he hadn’t seen in a long time. We ended up arguing about how he could treat someone he loves like this but I eventually just let it go. Then he left for a month to go to deer camp in October (he does this every year). While gone he would text in the morning and tell me he didn’t have a good signal. then in the evening I got the same thing or a short phone call. He came home once a week to do laundry and see our grandchildren. We were sexually active every time he was home. He finally came home on November 17. He told me he had made contact on FB with a friend he knew before we got together. I thought nothing of it. The whole weekend he was continuously talking to her on messenger or checking his ipad or phone for messages from her. Then on Tuesday night i arrived home after he was in bed and as I was taking my shoes off his ipad lit up with a message from her asking if he was still up (it was 11 pm). I picked it up and was going to message her that he was in bed when I noticed the previous message they had shared. The last words sent were about how he loved her and she loved him. I read what had not already been deleted and figured out that they had been talking for a couple weeks. She is married with 7 children who are quite young. I confronted him and he said they were just friends and I had misconstrued everything. We cried and argued all night but finally decided to not make any decisions either way until after the holidays. Well he has since told me he wants to work on us and our marriage but he wants to remain friends with her because she is in a marriage where her husband does not appreciate her and he is just someone to listen to her. He doesn’t feel that he has had an affair because she lives in another state and I “misconstrued his statement about loving her”. He did tell her we were in a dangerous place in our marriage because we couldn’t stand each other and our kids were the only thing holding us together. (This was not how I felt though). He told her we were not sexually active and had been having problems for over 5 years. (we went to Ireland in 2014 and renewed our wedding vows in Dec 2014) Our wedding anniversary was in Dec and this was the first year that he did not at least get me a card or wish me happy anniversary. We did go to dinner together but he “didn’t feel good” so it was very quiet and hurried so we could get back home. He still has her as a friend on FB and they were liking each others posts alot but for the last 2 week that has stopped. She doesn’t like his posts anymore. I did contact her and she told me she only loved him as a friend and was not wanting to jeopardize what she had there because her husband provides well for her. My problem now is that I cannot stop wondering if he is thinking about her when we are together or when he gets quiet and just stares off. I am constantly wondering if while I am at work is he thinking about her or talking to her without my knowledge. I have not looked at his Ipad since I found out about this. It didn’t make me feel good and I know he has been deleting messenger conversations because I walk by his chair and see him deleting things. I have suggested joint FB accounts, he refused, I have suggested counselling, he refused because he “didn’t cheat”. He agrees that talking to her about us was inappropriate but does not feel it was cheating. I love him and we have tons of history together. He has said he is sorry and wants to be with me but I find myself wondering if its because she is unavailable or because I have recently been given a medical diagnosis. He did tell me in the first days after I found out that if we didn’t work out and she left her husband he would go and see if they could have something together. She is three years younger than me and absolutely gorgeous. I want us to work but I don’t know how to move forward and stop thinking about his feelings for her.

  42. Hi, I have been married for 17 years to the love of my life. I can say that now because I never really knew how much I loved mu husband until i found a text in his phone 3 weeks ago. I can say that reading through that text broke me, it broke my heart it tore through my very core. I confronted him and he said it meant nothing that he had been speaking with this woman for two weeks on and off. We spent a lot of time talking about his and why’s. The whole time all he said was he wished he had never responded to this woman. He wishes he could go back and never have this happen. He has since stopped all communication with the woman, he leaves his phone for me to see all the time, he leaves it with me while he works around the house. I feel he is being honest and has stopped. We talk every night about everything, we discuss our future, we discuss how much we want to be together. I’m trying so hard to trust him again but there are times where I find it hard to just breathe, where I can’t believe this is part of my life, where I can’t think of anything else but what he did to me, to us, to our family. We are closer now and we make time to be with each other (we have 3 kids). I want to feel whole again and have a normal day where the anxiety doesn’t overwhelm me, where my thoughts are not consumed by the vision of that text. I don’t know how long it takes before normal returns but I’m exhausted and I’m afraid all the time. Afraid of losing him, afraid of losing the connection we have. This has to be the most difficult thing I have ever gone through or experienced. So all I can say is…. One second at a time, One minute at a time, One day at a time, One week at a time….. Love yourself and know that you are enough.

  43. My husband and I have been together 27 years, married 22 years. We have a 14 year old son & a 12 year old daughter. We live in a small community everyone pretty much knows everyone. My husband & I own our own business and he is a volunteer fireman at our local fire Department. On Jan 2, 2017 I found out that my husband was having an emotional affair with another woman who also volunteers at the fire department. I have had my suspicions because he talked about her often. Then at the fire department Christmas dinner with everyone he had asked 2 different people if she was coming. I never said anything and never brought it up because I thought it was just me…. Then on that 2nd day of Jan. I picked up his tablet to look for a picture of him and our daughter and found a folder that had about 7 pictures of this other woman (none were nude, one did have her shirt pulled up and her pants very low showing off her flat firm belly). I confronted my husband with these pictures and he swore they were nothing. She just sends them to him through text messages to say “Hi” and the one with her stomach was to show him that she is starting to show (yes, she is pregnant from another man who lives 4 hours away & she is currently married to another man who lives in another state). So at this time I asked my husband questions like “if they were through text messages why & how are they saved in a folder on your tablet” and “why & how often do you guys text”? Then it came out that they have even chatted on the phone for periods of times. I didn’t like what I was hearing. I told my husband I felt like this was inappropriate behavior on both their parts. He swore it was nothing and they either talked about the FD or her problems with her boyfriend & or soon to be ex-husband. I asked why I never knew any of this and I asked to see their text messages. He of course deleted them because he didn’t want me to get the wrong impression was his response. Went to bed that night with an uneasy feeling. The next day he went off to work and I became that determined psycho CSI investigator. I found away to pull up and see EVERY bit of their text messages. I knew my gut was right, there were lots of flirting on both sides but mainly my husband. She did tell him “you know nothing can come of this right” and he still continued with sexual remarks like what he’d like to do under a blanket with her etc…. He then started telling her all this stuff that wasn’t true about us. Like I left my job because I was sick of working and demanded him to support me (He was the one who asked me to leave my job to run the office for our company). He told her that I have cheated on him a few times during our marriage (I NEVER). Lots of stuff like I am a controlling gold digging horrible person. I never buy stuff for myself always them. I was more devastated at the lies he told her about me, I couldn’t believe it. When I confronted him with these messages he became very defensive and stressed out. He became more worried about what it would do to his reputation at the FD and his company if it all came out. He said she means nothing to him it was just a fun little stupid thing that he regrets doing but he does loves me yada, yada, yada….. Well, I have asked him to leave the FD so they won’t run into each other he doesn’t want to cause he feels like this is his calling, and she isn’t volunteering right now anyway due to her pregnancy (his reasoning with me). I don’t want to give him that ultimatum because I don’t want him to end up hating me later on. But I do feel like he should want to make this sacrifice if he really loves me and wants us to work out. Is it fair that I have to stress and worry every time he is at the FD? Or is it fair for me to even give him an ultimatum? She did tell my husband that she didn’t want to put up with MY CRAP so she was stopping all communication and also blocked him on Facebook (my husband told her that I found all the pics/texts & if I contact her about it to just be nice to me). I hate conflicts with others, as much as I want to confront her I wouldn’t be able to I am not that person. However, it really bothers me that she thinks I am this person that I am not thanks to my husband. And what is worse is I run in to her all over town like the Doctors office, the store, the pharmacy, my own street (she lives a couple of blocks from us), even at the movies in the next town. Nothing is ever said I ignore her she ignores me, I just feel like she gets thrown in my face ALL the time I can barley handle it. We recently had a FD event which she was there, we knew she was going to be. I did have a choice not go with my husband but he said he wanted me to go however I was disappointed because I didn’t get the full attention I was looking for from my husband with her around. I am hurt, I am lost, I am depressed and I don’t know what he really wants. I did ask if he’d do counseling with me. He isn’t really on board with it. He thinks they will just tell him what a bad person he is and do nothing but judge him….. He doesn’t look at it as helping us or me get through this. We do have an appointment scheduled for March 10th, but I am afraid he is going to go into it with a closed mind and heart cause he feels I am forcing it on him to do this. We are defiantly very disconnected and it is killing me. Please help with any advice.

  44. I am at a lose for words really. Coming up on 21 years on being in a relationship and being married 18 years. My husband and I have definitely had only hard turns and bumps in our journey. But have both and affairs. His was in the beinging mine was 8 years ago. Since then, I’ve been true to him. I’ve never crossed any lines. Never thought about it. I have completely devoted myself to him. Now I go back into our journey… 16 years ago. My ob told us that I would never be able to have children.. boy this was a very hard road for me. He really didn’t seem to mind. But most guys don’t I guess. However he did promise me we would have a child one day somehow someway. Whether (IVF) which is a lot of money or adoption.. now here it comes. He says nothing is wrong with this and it’s all In my head and I’m pushing everyone away —meaning her—
    Our ages are. This is important here
    In 2015 32 yrs old husband 35 yrs old.
    Ok here it goes. I want everyone opinions… be straight forward with me please
    August 2015. My husband gets a phone his cousin passed away from a heart attack at age of 45 yrs old. Leaving his wife of 37 yrs old. With 3 children 16,17,19
    They 19 yr old had a old that was born eariler that year in March.
    Of course the family was very sad and upset. Who wouldn’t be? My husband and the widow. Have known each other for 20 years. That said her and her husband lived hours away. And called a couple times a month. My husband and her wasn’t close at all over the 20 years her being in this family.
    My husband is a truck driver.
    In November of 2015. I was asked if I minded if she went on over night run with him which would take 2-3 nights.
    I was stupid. I agreed. Then on Facebook I saw some innocent pictures of her getting him to stop and take pictures. Which was always hard for me to get him to do. I was furious. I had this feeling in the pit of my stomach and it hasn’t yet since.
    Well when they got back home she headed back to her home which is 5 hours away. Two weeks later. I get a week. Actually Facebook message asking if we would like to adopt her grandson. Her daughter was all for it. Then I was also asked if her and her 2 youngest teenagers could come live up here as well. And again I agreed. I agreed for many reasons. Being a dummy. Being told she was drinking herself to death. And being told I could have a child.
    And to top it off my parents and sister and niece and little brother all lived here as well. That’s a whole different matter.
    Well now that little sweet boy is our son.
    However the last year and half with them two. They have had an emotional affair as I see it as well as his and my family as well sees it. Only people that don’t see it. Are those two.
    From December 2015 – March 2016
    Those two were hip to hip were there was one there was the other. When he was in his truck on the road over night or running there she was right along with him. And when she was here at the house they talked and texted none stop. Well I had a break down. Took hand full of pills and tried to kill myself. Pills that should of killed me. I almost did die. Those don’t care. But it wasn’t mine time. We separated for a couple months. Her and her kids were still living in my home. I wasn’t coming back and plus we needed time apart. We got back together and then separated within a month because of her again. Well I blew my gasket she pissed me off.
    We got back together some time passed and I started to let her come back into my home to see her grandson. It was good at first. She saw him and went home. And then she started to come over more and more then spend the night. And more and more. Until she only went home when my husband was at work.
    I finally asked her this question I’m gonna copy and paste what I asked her. I want you to know I want you to see Steven. I will ever say your not allowed to see him. But you’ve always told me to step up and speak my mind. Well I need to because I feel like I’m going crazy.
    I’ve tried to drop little hints about family time. I don’t like to be rude or mean. That’s not me. But I need jeremy and Cassie time and mom n dad n Steven time.
    I’m not saying not to come over again. Come see Steven in daytime play with him outside or inside which ever. When he naps you can go finish up your things at the house. Then we can cook dinner later that night and watch a movie and you go back home.
    I hope you can understand this a friend mother wife and a woman. I never got all this when ever one else was having a family.
    When Rachel n Taylor moved out it was like wow. I’m going to have little bit of privacy. I’m like hey bubba. You get to walk around in your underwear again hahaha.
    Both her and my husband got mad and said I was trying to run her off.

    So here we are. My marriage is over. I really don’t think he cares for me. Or cherish me
    Our vows don’t mean anything.

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