Help Dealing With Infidelity: What to do When You Can’t Stop Thinking About It

help dealing with infidelityOnce you’ve been the victim of infidelity the thoughts can sometimes become so overwhelming that you find it hard to stop thinking about it.

It doesn’t seem to matter what you’re doing, working, playing, just living your life takes on a whole new meaning when the intrusive thoughts of the infidelity niggle at your mind every second of the day.

When thoughts circle in your mind over and over again it can be very unhealthy. After all, there really is nothing you can do to change what has happened.

Continuously thinking about it isn’t going to help and in fact is just going to make you more obsessed. It’s really easy to become obsessed. You find yourself thinking about all kinds of things that you don’t want to think of like:

  • What did their partner look like?
  • Are they better looking than me?
  • Where did they do it?
  • What types of things did they do?
  • What did they talk about?

The details go through your mind in a flash at any given moment. You could be at the grocery store, taking the kids to school, watching a TV show, trying to sleep – the thoughts have no boundaries and can intrude at any given moment to send your mind and heart in a swirl of emotions that you can’t even name.

Everything is off balance and you feel, often, as if you’re drowning. It is important to develop skills to stop these thoughts from taking over your life so that you can move on happily. There are many ways that you can work on yourself in order to stop thinking about the affair.

Related:  3 Challenges Created by Infidelity in Marriage and How to Overcome Them

But, you have to be ready to make a change in your way of thinking, and take control over yourself for it to work. Here are some things that you can do right now to stop thinking about the affair so much.

   Set a Time Limit

Time limits work for both positive and negative things. You can set a time limit for almost anything from house work, to controlling your thoughts and it can work.

Give yourself a certain amount of time to let your mind think of all the horrible things mentioned above, but set a timer for 10 or 15 minutes and pick a good time of day where you can then do something else right after that is positive.

   Get Counseling

If you just can’t seem to stop the thoughts you may need to seek professional counseling and perhaps a short term prescription for medication to help you deal with your situation. There is nothing wrong with getting short term help to overcome this issue.

Many people balk at the idea of getting help dealing with infidelity related issues, but if your obsessive thoughts are intruding on your ability to live your life, you must get some help.

   Exercise Daily

Getting some sort of exercise, especially exercise that requires focus such as Yoga, Swimming and Running can really help you center your mind on positive thoughts, or no thoughts at all other than your breath going in and out of your body and how that feels.

The ability to hyper focus on things like how the air smells, or how the water feels on your body will help you avoid these intrusive thoughts for a period of time.

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   Get Outside Yourself

Is there a cause you care deeply about? If so, devote your spare time to volunteering for that cause. Hands on work doing things for others will make your own problems pale in comparison and you will be able to put things into a better perspective and avoid intrusive thought patterns that interfere in your life.

Whether you help humans or animals won’t matter, it’ll make you feel good about yourself and give you something else to focus on.

   Eat Healthy

It’s tempting to wallow in your sorrow and fill your body with the main drug of choice for most which is food, but you’d be doing yourself a favor if you skipped the buckets of chicken and cartons of ice cream and swapped them out with something healthier.

For example, if you really need to eat your feelings, eat a lot of fruit – nothing is wrong with eating an entire watermelon. You’ll get the emotional eating out, and avoid the problems associated with processed foods.

   Try the Rubber Band Trick

Some people have had success stopping behaviors they don’t want to do by wearing a rubber band on their wrist and snapping it every time they do or consider the offending behavior. While it does hurt, it has worked for a lot of people who want to quick smoking or eating when they’re not hungry. It can work for intrusive thoughts too.

   Be Rational

The truth is, no amount of thinking about the affair, and no amount of information you get will change the fact that it happened. The best thing you can do for yourself is to try to divert your thoughts when they come up at the wrong moments.

Related:  After the Affair: Getting Past the Pain

Of course, you need to talk about it sometimes, but you cannot allow the thoughts about the infidelity to take over your life. Whether you want to believe it or not, the affair actually has very little to do with you, and is about the character of the cheater.

Thinking about the affair is part of dealing with infidelity. It’s a natural reaction to have when someone has literally ripped the rug out from under you in such a big way. It cuts to the core in ways that you never thought possible.

The one person you thought you could trust with your life has done something horrible that makes you question everything and you naturally want to know why, who, what, how and when. But, once you get those answers, it’s time to move past it and move on so that you can truly deal with infidelity in a healthy way that allows you to make a new life for yourself.

17 thoughts on “Help Dealing With Infidelity: What to do When You Can’t Stop Thinking About It

  1. I am in this stage. My husband has engaged in three separate “blocks” of chatting that I know of. The last one he went on a “date”. These behaviors have occurred for several months at a time. The “date” occurred 3 years ago. I recently found his history of looking up body rubs through backpage adds. I am trying to piece together whether or not he was on sales trips during those searches. Long story short I am trying to see if I can stay in this marriage. He is remorseful and takes full blame but he could be just saying these things because he thinks it will make me feel better.

    • Hi, my name is Joni. I’ve been recently searching to seek help for my depression due to my husbands affair that I just found out about in May. It seems no one in my life has dealt with this kind of thing and even worse, it’s usually unspoken like a secret with my family. My husband and I were married Nov. 2014, his affair started in March 2015. If you are also searching for some type of support, please let me know and feel free to contact me!

      • Hi Joni, I know how you feel. My life was turned upside down also within 6 mos of marriage when my wife had an affair. I was embarrassed and ashamed. I hid everything from family and friends. Tried to rebuild the marriage. Had kids. Now many years later I am in regret and find myself not over it at all. I love my children but fear I either made a huge mistake trying to rebuild or didn’t get the help I truly needed. I know it sounds negative compared to so many things you hear about but I honestly think people should move on with their lives after betrayal. I have tried to rebuild but find myself still dealing with it unsuccessfully so many years later and full of regret for a life wasted except for having two awesome kids I love to death. Move on. It’s not you, it’s a flaw in their character and from my experience, the wound never truly heals.

        All the best. Don

  2. Hi Joni, I just found out about my husbands affair. I’ve been obsessing on the Internet for help and support anything I can find really. Like you no one I know has ever gone threw something like this so its hard to talk to people I am close to. I’ve been married 27 years and my husband has been cheating the last 4, I’m devastated.

  3. Hey, I would just like to say that I’m a husband whose wife cheated on. And there is not much out there about a cheating wife and how to deal with the pain and suffering. I can’t image ever hurting someone the way she has hurt me, she thinks she knows how I feel but she doesn’t. And I have had my share of heartaches in my life, 10 years ago on the day before my 30th birthday my mother, sister, and brother was shot and murdered by my sister’s husband…. but that pain doesn’t compare to the pain of finding out my wife of 16 years had been cheating on me and that happen on my birthday!

  4. Joni and Laura I have also recently found out about my husbands affair. I have been searching and searching the Internet for some kind of support. Or for someone who seems to have any idea of what i am going through

  5. After being engaged for 6 months and pregant with our daughter, my fiance cheated. He was charged with rape and assault. I was devastated and ashamed. He did not rape her not did they even have sex. This was her second charge of falsification. Regardless he admitted to cheating. I tried everything to forgive him and move on. I became obsessed. He wasn’t ever around anymore and things were not the same. I moved out 6 months ago and he’s seeing someone else. Still hurts everyday. Reading this article was just enough encouragement to continue with the day.

  6. I just found out that my husband of 12 years cheated on me with my maid. when I felt some emotional ties and obsessiveness between them, I sent her packing. after she left, my husband could not stop contacting her on phone, insisting that nothing serious was between them. just few months ago, a member of our church who met this same maid on Facebook via my husband’s Facebook page got married to her. some few weeks ago, I got the most devastating confession in my entire life. both my husband and the maid confessed of having an affair in my house under my roof. my husband is a full time pastor in a church while I work for s long time daily to help our family of three children. I am finding it very difficult to recover from the betrayal. my husband has been pleading with me that since I have forgiven them, that I should bring the girl closer to me as before. but I can never trust the girl again, though I am giving my husband another chance in order to save my marriage. my not giving the girl another chance made my husband & her own husband to feel I am yet to forgive her. I sent a warning text message to her the other day she called my husband on phone as his beloved member to know how he was doing. I’m I overreacting? can I ever feel safe seeing my husband relate even in a healthy way as a result of their betrayal?

  7. I just found out my husband while at the bar got drunk and cheated on me. All I keep thinking is the shame I have for not being good enough for him. If I was enough he would have stopped himself and came home.

  8. Julie,
    Forgiveness and trust are not the same things. Forgiveness is given and received freely; trust is earned. Trust happens when someone follows through with what they said they would do. God forgives our sin but He does not trust that we will never sin again.

    It is possible to forgive, but it would be foolish to trust them again. Time is the main factor in trust.

  9. I found out that my husband had an affair for 2 years throughout our 5 years of marriage. He accidentally used my credit card to pay for the hotel and I found out through my credit card statement. During the time of the time of the infidelity, I was pregnant with our first child. I never felt so hurt in my life. I don’t have anyone to talk to regarding his affair. He begged me not to leave him, so I decided to forgive him, however, I am constantly reminded of the infidelity I feel like I can’t move on in the marriage. I think I have lost trust ans respect for him.

  10. Hi I need help
    I with my girlfriend for 14 years now and just found out that recently she been having another relationship with someone she have been admired for a long time. They are relationship has been going on for the past 3 years till now. I have confronted her and she say that she want out but not mentioning about the affair at all. She keeps saying that the problem is her and no one else. I found out about them when she started to stay over and then she even have a credit card given by her another partner. As for now she still out with that person and all I do is to be patience and hope that she can change her mind. We are still staying together till now but without me asking about where or who she will be with if she’s out. Pls help me what can I do???!! Should I let go or stay on hoping that she will change

  11. I found out 3 months ago my husband if 34 years had been having an affair for 4 years and he had 1 prior to that that I had no idea of until the OW called and told me. I’m beyond heartbroken. That night he said he loved her and didn’t know what he wanted. By the next morning he said he wanted to fix our marriage, that he had never stopped loving me and had wanted to end it but didn’t know how without losing everything. I don’t seem able to believe that I will ever be able to live without this pain. We’re in counseling and it’s gotten to the point where even the therapist is asking “What does he need to do to help you let go and move forward.” I don’t know. I feel the first 34 years were all a lie and my life will always revolve around the affair, life before the affair and life after the affair, which will always be hurtful. I love him. He says he always loved me and still does. How do I believe him and start healing?

  12. I was married for 15 years when I found my husband on the internet with girls at work. He was the only guy I had ever been with. 5 years later it still haunts me every day. It has destroyed my health and self esteem. I will live with this till I die.

  13. I have been married for 35 years and 17 years ago , i found out my husband was cheating on me and our 3 boys . It was aweful. He literally loaded up our motor home pulling out jeep. And left , i tried to talk to him i begged him. He just left after about 2 months of hell. He came back 3 days later and couldn’t do it. I was bummed because I stated feeling better. So instead of divorcing him I took him back. The hitch moved away and every thing was fine. Our 3 boys got married we have 4 beautiful grandbabies. And I got diagnosed with a very rare lung disease. Am on oxygen and lucky to be alive. Blessed to be alive. Well to make a very long story short. I found out she moved back about 9 months ago. Yes they talk on cell phone. Which I figured out. I begged him not to talk to her. And I didn’t see her number on the phone bill. Well get this on December 1st i saw a light flashing in his tool bag, i looked and it was a prepaid phone. I grabbed it and hid it for a week. Before I had the nerve to look at it. I thought he could have found it on the job of something. But NO they have been talking for about 2 months. They still say there just friends. I called her out and him. Out . I told him to tell the boys after Christmas. But no I want divorce. I can’t take it any longer. I am sick and getting sicker. I have to do it all. God help me , trust is the most expensive thing on earth, now it’s gone. I told the boys he has lost their respect. But he keeps working and acting like it’s nothing. I cannot do this anymore. Please help me god…

  14. Thinking you had the perfect marriage for 18 years and realizing that you didn’t is the most heart breaking thing a person can face my husband was my best friend we did everything together then financial problems attacked our marriage and working hard to keep it all I lost him to a women at his job who said all the right things and made him feel like a man again the hardest thing is knowing that he allowed it to happen. We were the couple that everyone thought including myself were the couple to look up to and strive to be like he was the perfect dad and husband and within an instant everything changed. He is the only man I ever have been with. I was on the verge of filing for divorce but didn’t I am still working on my insecurities and don’t believe I will ever be the same I feel like a piece of me has truly been broken forever

  15. My husband and I have been married going on two years he has kids with two different women. He has had an affair several times since we been married with one of the baby Moms. He says it was only twice and it will never happen again. Problem is he has not gone to court with her and she has not ever allowed me to be around her daughter now this makes it harder for me to trust him and easy for her to control the situation I feel like a fool and not sure I should try to keep and work on my marriage

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