Dealing With Infidelity: How to Get Beyond Raw Emotion and Survive an Affair

marriage relationship adviceHere we take a look at how various couples moved through the process of dealing with infidelity, from the discovery to the pure emotional phase, and what lay beyond.

What they show us is that emotions are just that: a phase. Eventually, emotions come under control and the real work of healing can begin. Sound advice is given, as well as what not to do!

Find Support from a Friend

Anyone who’s cheated on feels frantic about their situation, and when people are desperate they often do rash things. That’s not what you want to happen!

Keep calm and call a friend, says the author of “He Cheated. Now What? 5 Tips To Help You Survive Infidelity”. In probably the wisest advice you could have at the beginning of your process to survive an affair, the author tells cheating victims:

“Identify someone who will not tell you what to do, but can deal with extreme feelings and let you discover what is right for you. You do not need someone to tell you to call a divorce lawyer.”

Be sure to check in with your friend from time to time and make sure you’re not overloading the friendship.

Honest Questions For Each Partner

Dr. Sheri Meyers suggests letting the dust settle before any rash decisions are made. In her article titled Healing After Infidelity, she suggests:

Rather than making a hasty, reactive decision based on feelings of hurt, revenge, shock or abandonment, you are each willing to let the dust settle before making major life decisions.

 
Words to live by, but not until you’ve fully dealt with those emotions. Let yourself feel them but don’t get stuck in them forever. Relationships are investments, so you don’t want to simply throw them out the window immediately.

Like stock market decisions, emotion should not rule the day. Feel your emotions, then get them under control. Only then can you both make the commitment to continue investing in your relationship to figure out what’s best to do to survive the affair…whether that’s breaking up or staying together.

 

The Far-Reaching Effects of Infidelity

While you’re sorting out your raw emotions, it might be time to ask if there might be any physical ramifications to infidelity as well…namely, STDs. This may sound overly practical because it’s outside the emotional realm you’ve been dealing with since the affair hit your relationship, but trust me: it’s important.

In Rx for Infidelity: When Infidelity Has Invaded Your Head, Heart and Sexual Health, we are reminded that STDs can have permanent effects on a relationship, no matter what occurs after the cheating incident.

“There are many residual wounds that linger long after the affair for all couples but if the cheated-on person was given an STD this has many deeper layers of anger, hurt and betrayal, which further exacerbate the experience of infidelity.”

-Sherry Campbell, PhD

Her advice? Work through the 7 stages of coping until you reach acceptance. Use the STD to motivate yourself to build a healthy lifestyle and that will be the ultimate revenge.

Don’t Let Emotions Take Over

If you can’t move beyond anger, resentment, hurt, or self-loathing, or if you can’t understand why the cheating happened, things may not work out.

That’s what happened to these 3 women…and when you find out their special circumstances you might understand why it was hard for these couples to move beyond negative emotions.

In Why one in ten husbands cheats on his PREGNANT wife: We meet the mothers who have suffered the ultimate betrayal, we learn of 3 women who were pregnant while their hubbies cheated. Of course in these cases there’s an extra layer of emotion…the protective anger of a new mother might be the strongest emotion of all. Too strong, in fact, to overcome with reconciliation.

These couples were unable to get past emotion. As one of the husbands put it:

 

“We got back together afterwards for the sake of the children, but it couldn’t work because, instead of forgiving and forgetting, every time we argued — which was often — she’d sling insults at me for being unfaithful.”

 

Don’t Blame Yourself For Your Partner’s Affair

Even some of the strongest women can’t seem to stop blaming themselves when their husbands cheat. Take the Baroness Shirley Williams, who still blames herself for her husband’s affair. And guess what: that turned out not to be the way to survive an affair!

In It’s never the wife’s fault when her husband cheats, the life of this important woman from the UK is detailed for us…and even this impressive, powerful woman took the road to self-loathing. Although other parts of her life are worthy of imitating (she’s impressive), this is a good example of what not to do.

“lifting responsibility from your partner’s shoulders and placing the burden firmly on yours is a self-defeating tactic that lets the guilty party off scot free while you are left to wallow in your sense of failure”

-Linda Kelsy

How to Survive an Affair

There’s a wonderful step-by-step system to help you survive an affair. It was devised by a marriage counselor who took 30 years of notes on couples who survived and who didn’t after an affair took place.

What he learned can save your marriage- if you’d like to try, simply click the “Add to Cart” button and you’ll be taken to a secure page to get yours.

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